My best friend from high school is gay

Wow, I was thinking about writing this post, but now that I wrote the right title, I didn't realize until now I really wrote it.

"Gay", that is a word, commonly used to boys who like other boys. And wow, again, I really feel like talking about this topic.

There is a point where I would feel I wouldn't get the gay definition unto full, like, if I were one I wouldn't have been daring to call me that way ,but now I think it's just about realizing who you are and the denotation that will blend eventually.

I still have doubts, but it seems more settled than before, but before I talk about myself, let me talk about the purpose of this post.

In high school, I was having lots of trouble being myself, lots and lots of trouble, and the ambiance wasn't helping a lot. You get to meet people that are way high the expectations from you. There was simply no competition on either to really socialize,  I was feeling left down much of times, and it was kinda difficult to understand them and for me how to really make people tell I'm their friend.

It was one year completely that I was failing on that, and even though recess was something that might help, it didn't make much difference. People have known me and know who I am so I thought I wouldn't make some difference if I try.

That changed, 2 year of High School, where I entered a group of people whose common thing was the thing the school were expecting all young people like us to do. It was a Catholic school so, young groups are nice to have it seems. Not going to go further on that either.

That's where I met a boy, he was nice and caring, he was on the same year, different group, and eventually he was the the one I hang out with few others at recess. He has more friends, way better than I am, but still have time to hang out with them too. I really didn't expected that kind of friendship but it was a good one. Soon after we share lots of things that happen and of course eventually doing most of the same things at school. He was fan of Disney and all about Disney. I love how the fascination of that and also for Harry Potter and other stuff. Of course I wasn't with him all the time but I would seek out with other classmates who share to me the same stuff. It was weird how everything happened....

Not soon after I was invited to his house, some of his parties, eventually going out to the last party at graduation at other party where it was kinda awesome because it was just the time of summer, the night went by so quickly....

And then university, he was at the same university as mine, on another design career, but soon left, he got another path where I didn't know what would happen and stuff. Eventually we were taking our own paths, talking from time to time, even trying to go to those parties he was doing again. 

I remember once that they were doing generation post party reunion and only a very few came in. I remember trying my best to talk to him, but seems I wasn't that much to go with their conversations. Still it was something to share. Now that I understand most things and feel more confident on myself, I know I can do something better.

Then one day he was clearly posting posts about equality and same-sex rights, news and other curious stuff. It was subtle, yet up to the point. I know there was one classmate who was eventually come out gay. He was one that was friends with my friend but he wasn't as kind to me as I would expect. He would often go to the school's psychologist, wouldn't know what for. But then I would expect it was on that matter. 

Now, the moment I would see this I kinda imagine the support that I would feel from him about all those things, even though we had done all those things people at school expected us to do. Even adults there were telling us how good and kind we are for doing that. It was some kind of satisfaction that we didn't feel like change or stuff.

But then a year ago, when dreadful events happened, he showed a courageous self to support even more the cause, eventually saying on one of his phrases, 'I am Gay'

That was the moment I felt a lot of emotions inside, not as other people as for now, because by then I knew more gay guys around that would share experiences about it, me being the least experienced. Knowing that, seeing that expressed from the one that spent most high school around, was brave enough to come out and, despite all the past done, to shine even more on that new path he was going to face.

From that moment I feel, that I would have another support from I can take to to really follow this path, even though I need more steps to go through. 

You see, he has lots of points that surely would make him fit to be the one that proclaimed that time. Good looking and soft heart, loving of Disney and arts and musicals, friends who are also on art and friends who that he talked to from the beginning, supporting classmates and lots of experience on how to give and share. 

Even though I couldn't share most of those stuff, his company was enough to make me feel safe, and grasping to that idea, I thought that would be the perfect time to do something for myself and finally define myself, with the help of him and other people. I'll sure step even further into future.

This is the moment where I post 10 random reasons why I hiatus this blog for more than 180 days.

I'll be quick on this:

1. I'm struggling depression more than ever. This may be something I didn't want to admit, because I wasn't sure about it. But the more I put my effort over bumps and doors, the more I feel the burnout and the harsh feelings I get when thinking a lot. I hate that from happening, maybe it's a signal I should slow down a bit, or maybe be more organized. Somehow I"m trying to settle things down before I continue.
2. I  get to engrossed into watching streams rather than going into the creative process. I guess that's how I was coping with my emotions. That would calm my nerves an feel I was part of something.
3. Social interactions was hard to manage, because there was not a single time where all could have talked to me first and started a conversation. I don't know if that could have been overwhelming, but then I try to reach people in a hard way I could fin my own way to communicate, I feel I made a progress, but I feel I could go for more.
4. Time and time, even though I was able to manage it regardless, somehow there was something I was starting to miss every time I wanted to do something. Again schedule is on the way.
5. Drawings, and drawings again, and thinking the possibility to make the perfect drawing to explain a force of expression that shows something wonderful.
6. People again, not receiving feedback on what I do, it's hard to make something without feedback, feel like there is no motivation to continue, but still I like drawing and I hope to continue even still things get rough, 10-20 minutes a day would suffice.
7. Thoughts of life, again, what orientation I would give this time to this blog, I've always wonder if I could place more meaningful and fun stuff over here.
8. Finding new things to get stories and lots of neat stuff to share, because sharing is a nice way to start a conversation.
9. Becoming a better person, and therefore try to put my motivation to people so they can go with the issues of their life too.
10. Because I know I don't want to let 2017 be a postless year, I will try to put all my emotions into central so that I can share in a better way and with all the force possible. Because that is what I like too.

I hope this explains why I need some space, well it's not that I was alone all the time not that I left other space, hope I can make good use to it :3