I felt like writing on this blog again, even though I updated my username status to CosmicNerdBoy, the little astronaut lost between cosmical signals of light. Now that the position of Motion has a more reliable and specific path and a proper direction. I felt more than excited to follow through that path and start placing creativity more seriously.
It has been, though, demanding for me to really schedule all that stuff and time to really make some of my creations to shine and to share what I can place to show to people and stuff. Things like work and not being able to decide on a path are sure obstacles that I tried to face off last year. I came up in good conditions, ending up in a level up evolution that would help me better forsee the situation ahead for this year to come.
Looking more for people, creative people, people that made an effort to show themselves, people that keep it up everyday despite their own obstacles, I understood the importance to place foot when facing them. Even if they can be kind and friendly, they all have that rush and aggressive power to respond towards creative motion and elements that would say we made something productive today.
They won't stop, and they shouldn't be doing so. Even when you talk to them and don't respond, one clear thing is they have using their time creating, imaging, thinking in galaxies and practicing their next act or performance. And they will show it up eventually, in a form of meteor, cosmical form of great power. Among the stars, the moon and their cosmic particles. A meteor is strong of force and speed. They can't overcome the light power of the stars, but their movement and trajectory makes them kinda unpredictable to maneuver. They can appear everywhere, and they can impact in places not known to central.
That's why we were prepared to face that, maybe towards something one can feel adapted to show off, by creating and sharing, by learning new techniques, and by knowing what to do and how much time we have for it.
This last thing, time, is one to be used wisely, carefully. No one can know what things can happen after this time, after the here and now. One needs to know their possibilities, their options, their alternates, and the renovations, in order to know what to do on those situations, without losing conviction and will to keep creating. Know what to do on the right situation and retribution will come.
All of this I learned from talking and get to know creative people the last year, how they interact and how they show their power to shine. They would say, what you get quantitatively towards your creations aren't as much important. But at the end of the year they show off those values as retributions, maybe to see they have strength of conviction to get to meet more people. Whatever they show up on their accounts might not be of relative, but at least it's good to know that kind of value, despite having to face that, risking that it might be so overwhelming. If you use it at your benefit it can be of good parameter for your own creations. Therefore, knowing more creative people, talking to them or not, will help us to achieve our own goals. And if any doubt, they will notice it by what we do.
With that said, let's start 2018 with good energy. I might have been backtracking a lot of stuff but this time I can boost up my numbers to really be up to date with everything :B
Showing posts with label Life Issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life Issues. Show all posts
Monday, January 1, 2018
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Social anxiety - what people can't see
Hello, this is me again. Trying to put more posts while this years end. I'll keep more effort on it.
So, social anxiety, after all these years, do I still have it...? I can say it has been a long battle, for me, because of the ambiance I'm living and the lack of resources that I'm increasingly getting along all that time. Sometimes I search for people to get inspiration from, but somehow I got stuck looking for local people, ant at my own ambiance where activities happen, they seem not to care a lot about it. While people are happily doing what the usually do, I have that sensation of me going for something more. I don't know if that's what they felt like doing because there was nothing more to do, or maybe because they weren't feeling like prepared to go for it.
I know it's hard that I keep things up for myself, but when I know there are things I can achieve and when I know I can go for more, what I need is to really go for a great search adventure in which, I can really talk to all of the people I know. And in order to do that, I need to really overcome my anxiety, and start talking.
Before all of this blogging and drawing, putting comments on other people was difficult to me. I don't know really what I was really afraid of, I was thinking that I couldn't handle the position of maintaining the comment on the other person as my own. I was feeling insecure about it. Now I felt like not caring much about it, more on that I feel confident my words are for my own and I can keep a handle of what I'm saying, despite what other people would say.
Maybe the base of what I do is supportive friends online on which I talked to, that maybe that support made me feel more like myself. But there is another thing I felt that was helpful: I was more confident at myself that, even if I feel can't have any friend to rely on, I realize that showing that confidence I can put a form of security that, I can be friends with other people. It's just a matter now, of searching a little bit more, and put trust to the people I see it's good to put on.
I know people would give their time to build new things, or at least to form a new strategy that can really last, lets hope that happens.
But also, I want to revitalize those old friendships that were left behind, to really make sure I'm still here and that I'm making my effort to get out of my mind and talk to them. That's what people has to see from me, that's what people has to understand from me. That even with my anxiety of talking and explaining and stuff, I'm still making the effort, and people hopefully will see that effort.
There is the time where I struggle talking, even more now, I don't know why, it just happens, they seem not to understand or put it clear. But when they see, some people would like to point it out, and those are the people I want to rely on, to help me be better person.
Those people who wants me to be that and the people who I can rely on to learn more stuff are the people I really want to hang out with. People that can unleash my full potential and people that put me challenges that I can face to really see what life is about.
I'm struggling at the place I am right now, but I'm putting my effort to search for something better. And when I settle up my search a little, I can go for something more. I hope everyone can follow me and keep it up on this adventure, A Nerd's Adventure to beating my social anxiety, what people can't see.
So, social anxiety, after all these years, do I still have it...? I can say it has been a long battle, for me, because of the ambiance I'm living and the lack of resources that I'm increasingly getting along all that time. Sometimes I search for people to get inspiration from, but somehow I got stuck looking for local people, ant at my own ambiance where activities happen, they seem not to care a lot about it. While people are happily doing what the usually do, I have that sensation of me going for something more. I don't know if that's what they felt like doing because there was nothing more to do, or maybe because they weren't feeling like prepared to go for it.
I know it's hard that I keep things up for myself, but when I know there are things I can achieve and when I know I can go for more, what I need is to really go for a great search adventure in which, I can really talk to all of the people I know. And in order to do that, I need to really overcome my anxiety, and start talking.
Before all of this blogging and drawing, putting comments on other people was difficult to me. I don't know really what I was really afraid of, I was thinking that I couldn't handle the position of maintaining the comment on the other person as my own. I was feeling insecure about it. Now I felt like not caring much about it, more on that I feel confident my words are for my own and I can keep a handle of what I'm saying, despite what other people would say.
Maybe the base of what I do is supportive friends online on which I talked to, that maybe that support made me feel more like myself. But there is another thing I felt that was helpful: I was more confident at myself that, even if I feel can't have any friend to rely on, I realize that showing that confidence I can put a form of security that, I can be friends with other people. It's just a matter now, of searching a little bit more, and put trust to the people I see it's good to put on.
I know people would give their time to build new things, or at least to form a new strategy that can really last, lets hope that happens.
But also, I want to revitalize those old friendships that were left behind, to really make sure I'm still here and that I'm making my effort to get out of my mind and talk to them. That's what people has to see from me, that's what people has to understand from me. That even with my anxiety of talking and explaining and stuff, I'm still making the effort, and people hopefully will see that effort.
There is the time where I struggle talking, even more now, I don't know why, it just happens, they seem not to understand or put it clear. But when they see, some people would like to point it out, and those are the people I want to rely on, to help me be better person.
Those people who wants me to be that and the people who I can rely on to learn more stuff are the people I really want to hang out with. People that can unleash my full potential and people that put me challenges that I can face to really see what life is about.
I'm struggling at the place I am right now, but I'm putting my effort to search for something better. And when I settle up my search a little, I can go for something more. I hope everyone can follow me and keep it up on this adventure, A Nerd's Adventure to beating my social anxiety, what people can't see.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
A post of Normal Change
Hey there it's been a long while since I write. I have another writing while I was away but I guess I was going the wrong direction or at least not getting any sense after months of trying to complete it.
I might take some ideas from that but I'll try to note how things are gonna be.
It's supposed that I have got any idea to what to write but after lots of years it's been amazing how I made lots of improvements to myself. Maybe the opening of some keys are gonna help me to open the main key. The one that can unlock any other key. It's impressive, that if that happens I can open many possibilities and make it real. Not all of them but some of them.
I made an improvement on having to talk to people and understand their ideas and their expectations. I might not get all of them but I can assume we can get lots of things possible. It's just a matter to believe.
Now, on to topic. It's time I get to make an evolution but I might not do drawings about it, that makes me lose time more than I should and I should take the consideration of having the time to be on what it's most important.
Programming stuff is one of them, trying to learn or at least review some of the topics on each thing has been kinda difficult, because I need to keep a pace of concentration on it every day. It's something that I should have to keep it dominated. Main things to handle are concentration, discipline, effort, and good decisions. Also main topics are socializing, handling emotions and confidence in our strength.
Adding up learning some languages and other interesting things and also, preparing for living an independent life, which it's gonna be fun because we can do more stuff :P
Trying to learn things in order to share, to explain, is also fun too. Because you can learn from the best and keep the pace on the good stuff you want to learn about. It's only a matter of determination.
What I need the most is to be more organized. I got a prove that other people are unlikely to help you if they don't feel the need to do so. Sometimes we live the challenge even if they don't say so. We have to get some cold in our position to make something special to be brought up to ourselves.
It's time to get to study and get the most out of it. We know in our stregnth and we can make things happen.
I might take some ideas from that but I'll try to note how things are gonna be.
It's supposed that I have got any idea to what to write but after lots of years it's been amazing how I made lots of improvements to myself. Maybe the opening of some keys are gonna help me to open the main key. The one that can unlock any other key. It's impressive, that if that happens I can open many possibilities and make it real. Not all of them but some of them.
I made an improvement on having to talk to people and understand their ideas and their expectations. I might not get all of them but I can assume we can get lots of things possible. It's just a matter to believe.
Now, on to topic. It's time I get to make an evolution but I might not do drawings about it, that makes me lose time more than I should and I should take the consideration of having the time to be on what it's most important.
Programming stuff is one of them, trying to learn or at least review some of the topics on each thing has been kinda difficult, because I need to keep a pace of concentration on it every day. It's something that I should have to keep it dominated. Main things to handle are concentration, discipline, effort, and good decisions. Also main topics are socializing, handling emotions and confidence in our strength.
Adding up learning some languages and other interesting things and also, preparing for living an independent life, which it's gonna be fun because we can do more stuff :P
Trying to learn things in order to share, to explain, is also fun too. Because you can learn from the best and keep the pace on the good stuff you want to learn about. It's only a matter of determination.
What I need the most is to be more organized. I got a prove that other people are unlikely to help you if they don't feel the need to do so. Sometimes we live the challenge even if they don't say so. We have to get some cold in our position to make something special to be brought up to ourselves.
It's time to get to study and get the most out of it. We know in our stregnth and we can make things happen.
Monday, February 1, 2016
Lift Ups and Slow Downs
It's February, and we should we getting a nice writing today (despite people telling me not to, but then it's for writing that I get the idea of Life Renovation, so, it's kinda like a process >w<)
A month of lots of stuff but on this day I can spend it to see if my writing skills can make me put some more elaborate and detailed stuff about me so I can make it faster.
See, when I wanted to comment on other topics, say on dA and other pages, I was afraid, or maybe I didn't have lots of stuff to say to make it worth a comment, just even a "Oh that's a nice drawing" thing and that's it. I've always thought of my comments beforehand and I would take like, 10 min or so to make one worth it. Now I can make it in less than 1 minute the enough comment and the even worth comments like in 5 min. So that's a progress.
I would take my blog to write like less than an hour, lets see if I can make it in less than ten. Starting from this point:
So I still have that anxiety of mine but I can't seem to look at it because, well I'll try to explain in my stream of ideas. I get so anxious when I get lots of data to process. I tend to have that obsession of processing data. And I really shouldn't be doing so because I don't know, I need to relax sometimes right? x3
I really want to give a try to game development, to improve my programming skills, I see lots of people that makes the huge effort and discipline to concentrate on do stuff until finish and get good results and feedback about what are they doing.
Games like Touhou and Undertale, where one person is responsible for most if not all of the stuff involving a game, that's a really good motivation point to give a try and say, let's make a game for ourselves. And if I know I don't have all the resource and time to make it happen, what I can do is still learn, ask people, get into, get stuff, learn from them.
I don't know if I can get or even recover what I've done on my college days, but I have to try, it's still the same kinda to make something than to review something. If I ever knew how to maintain code I might get to know that it would be so important to maintain, so I haven't lost anything and so.
Oh, an on to the main topic, I got some feedback from one of the ones who inspired me to keep it up, that I should live to society and have to do stuff that can make me go to the next level. Programming isn't the great deal if one could think. It's a very hard work to do, but it's like the first step if we want to give a shot on everything we need to get into. I don't know they say it because they don't have lots of leaders or so or if some dream idea from them, but it's good to make a follow.
But then I have that downside where, my emotions can get over me at times, and I kinda go the flow of darkness if I would like to say like that, but I know I shouldn't be following that. It's like, people expect you to do something, though they don't need to tell you how, just expect things, you know how to solve it. But I don't know, if people can get the idea of how I feel. Well really they don't I shouldn't be generalizing that kind of useless stuff. I should keep going forward, but I have to keep my hype up, and the people who wants to follow me are the ones I'll get the stuff done.
Because, after the lost of most of my data, thinking that I would get a inspiration from that wouldn't be helping a lot, Internet grows a lot on data, and people still have data in their hands. But trying to remind what I did kinda reminds me of the things I can't recover now, but if I didn't make importance of this stuff is maybe because it wasn't that important at the moment, maybe some is more now but, I can really make it over again if a thing is better to be done. Past stuff is past stuff, so, I'll give my time to recreate all the stuff I can show, and learn more from it.
So, conclusion of my 10 minute writing, I have that feeling of really making stuff, just that, well, people say, not to give a thing about writing and just do it, don't make your dreams be dreams/
But then, I write it so I can settle things, so I can say, oh I'm really gonna do it x3
I'll just keep ground, stay away from obsession, focus on what to do and which things I need to get to make stuff done, if I need to learn more stuff, if I need to be in touch with more people, who knows, maybe I can make things better this time.
A month of lots of stuff but on this day I can spend it to see if my writing skills can make me put some more elaborate and detailed stuff about me so I can make it faster.
See, when I wanted to comment on other topics, say on dA and other pages, I was afraid, or maybe I didn't have lots of stuff to say to make it worth a comment, just even a "Oh that's a nice drawing" thing and that's it. I've always thought of my comments beforehand and I would take like, 10 min or so to make one worth it. Now I can make it in less than 1 minute the enough comment and the even worth comments like in 5 min. So that's a progress.
I would take my blog to write like less than an hour, lets see if I can make it in less than ten. Starting from this point:
So I still have that anxiety of mine but I can't seem to look at it because, well I'll try to explain in my stream of ideas. I get so anxious when I get lots of data to process. I tend to have that obsession of processing data. And I really shouldn't be doing so because I don't know, I need to relax sometimes right? x3
I really want to give a try to game development, to improve my programming skills, I see lots of people that makes the huge effort and discipline to concentrate on do stuff until finish and get good results and feedback about what are they doing.
Games like Touhou and Undertale, where one person is responsible for most if not all of the stuff involving a game, that's a really good motivation point to give a try and say, let's make a game for ourselves. And if I know I don't have all the resource and time to make it happen, what I can do is still learn, ask people, get into, get stuff, learn from them.
I don't know if I can get or even recover what I've done on my college days, but I have to try, it's still the same kinda to make something than to review something. If I ever knew how to maintain code I might get to know that it would be so important to maintain, so I haven't lost anything and so.
Oh, an on to the main topic, I got some feedback from one of the ones who inspired me to keep it up, that I should live to society and have to do stuff that can make me go to the next level. Programming isn't the great deal if one could think. It's a very hard work to do, but it's like the first step if we want to give a shot on everything we need to get into. I don't know they say it because they don't have lots of leaders or so or if some dream idea from them, but it's good to make a follow.
But then I have that downside where, my emotions can get over me at times, and I kinda go the flow of darkness if I would like to say like that, but I know I shouldn't be following that. It's like, people expect you to do something, though they don't need to tell you how, just expect things, you know how to solve it. But I don't know, if people can get the idea of how I feel. Well really they don't I shouldn't be generalizing that kind of useless stuff. I should keep going forward, but I have to keep my hype up, and the people who wants to follow me are the ones I'll get the stuff done.
Because, after the lost of most of my data, thinking that I would get a inspiration from that wouldn't be helping a lot, Internet grows a lot on data, and people still have data in their hands. But trying to remind what I did kinda reminds me of the things I can't recover now, but if I didn't make importance of this stuff is maybe because it wasn't that important at the moment, maybe some is more now but, I can really make it over again if a thing is better to be done. Past stuff is past stuff, so, I'll give my time to recreate all the stuff I can show, and learn more from it.
So, conclusion of my 10 minute writing, I have that feeling of really making stuff, just that, well, people say, not to give a thing about writing and just do it, don't make your dreams be dreams/
But then, I write it so I can settle things, so I can say, oh I'm really gonna do it x3
I'll just keep ground, stay away from obsession, focus on what to do and which things I need to get to make stuff done, if I need to learn more stuff, if I need to be in touch with more people, who knows, maybe I can make things better this time.
Friday, September 25, 2015
More than ever, struggling to be myself.
Hello how are you? Hope you're fine.
It's been a long time since I tried to write something. With all my activities I have to deal with, scheduling time has been more difficult than ever. Not to say I can't deal it fully, it's just that my normal status in which my position is into right now is struggling. All the shyness/anxiety and stuff that might happen once in a while is keeping my mind from focusing..
I'm really surprised all the time passed since January of this year, and we're almost half September. It's kinda crazy. If something is for sure I'm making more drawings than last year, I've been feeling like plugged out of everything. Society, Internet, interactions, mostly everything. I'm only getting sustain from what I do, and from what I can maintain at the moment. Lots of things happening on my head and lots of things that I'll need to do.
Meanwhile, I still get lots of data and signals that can be useful for me to do. I don't know why I'm feeling like I can't do everything though. But for the sake of evolution and goals, it's needed.
And also I feel like I can't place a lot into one single position. I've been doing so but it's an unstable thing to do. There are lots of ideas and beliefs from everyone to be considered, and it seems that I can't handle all of those. Why it seems like it has been that way? Maybe because it was intended to be that way, maybe because all the stuff done was so comfortable the moment a variation was done crashed away my expectations again. Maybe because I've been struggling more than ever to be myself.
I don't like it. I do things, I live quite a normal life. I kinda follow things others do, because I think they're cool doing it. The real question is why I can't blend it as part of myself...?
What it seems to be worse is that people won't notice it. And I don't want them to know what I feel about hanging out with them, I might be worrying them a lot. It's not that I can tell it to everyone, it's not that they are interested on hear it.
There are some things that I have to make sure that's what I think as for now. I have to make some criteria of the world and the society I live in.
All the world, and the developing story comes around that, about a boy that swiftly evades reality, society, just because my ambiance with my family can apply this. They know though they can't get me hanging for a lot more time, that I'll have to break and follow my own convictions, not putting aside reality, which seems like wanting to take it from me. I've seen a lot for not noticing that.
Other people around it seems to be trained to receive lots of harsh things and not care nonetheless, that's how normal people around here are used to be. It's all about being direct and reckless, knowing that's the way they behave to each other, and seems to like it too. Of course I've been redirected a lot of times, and because of the same motion (because I had no other choice) I resisted the picks on me. However, I don't know if it's because I really don't like it, but my whole self is feeling all the adversity through their words. It's his defense they apply to make me feel down sometimes.
And still I get it, it's just a joke, they really not being serious at times, but why I can't bear all of this data received...? Not even Internet data is possible somehow, it's has been a problem. Because if I can't express myself, or if I can't evolve that part of myself, I'll have to continue enduring all what it comes from me, and what it has to be the best, is to defend myself the best way I can, by the means of talking, and by the means of facts.
I still think people want to reach into me which I clearly refused to, I still think people would see me as shy or not a very friendly guy at times, because of me not being able to talk. Or because of me not even been able to prove myself, nor even feel the need to do something more than doing the best I know, which also it's a doubting thing in progress.
Developing and programming has been harsh, not being able to follow things and organize has been hard to me, I don't know how others can manage to do that. They would think it's unnecessary but for me it is.
And feeling like the tools I use to develop are slowing around so it has been more difficult to progress the way want to do. I want to learn, and get info the fastest, I know my mind can follow through more quickly than the computer, but it has to follow my pace in order to make the knowledge productive.
It was long the wait, and haven't been so amused by all the signals and wordings, but onw thing is for sure is, in order to resume fully I'll have to depend mostly on myself, and deal any disruptive motion that comes over my head, for the sake of still learning and find out what things are better to maintain, and what things are better leave off for the good of my emotional health.
And, motivated to create more and variated stuff to show others and give support too.
Being myself has to be in the end the best thing I can desire more than ever, because that's when people really gonna notice how special you are.
I would be dumb to think to wish things to be different, but it doesn't have to, as long as you have the mind to think about how to make things a little different, to see new perspectives and handle /respect of of it, and of course let people know what you want, how do you feel, and for the special ones, how special they are.
I know I'll need to improve, so recover old things I used to do is gonna help me. Because I know I can do it better than last time. It's really gonna help me. So hope I can handle this and with the new progress material and resources I can be better.
We can do it for sure. We'll keep it going, even with a fake smile or a fake fall-down, but sure we can stand up whatever we needed.
It's been a long time since I tried to write something. With all my activities I have to deal with, scheduling time has been more difficult than ever. Not to say I can't deal it fully, it's just that my normal status in which my position is into right now is struggling. All the shyness/anxiety and stuff that might happen once in a while is keeping my mind from focusing..
I'm really surprised all the time passed since January of this year, and we're almost half September. It's kinda crazy. If something is for sure I'm making more drawings than last year, I've been feeling like plugged out of everything. Society, Internet, interactions, mostly everything. I'm only getting sustain from what I do, and from what I can maintain at the moment. Lots of things happening on my head and lots of things that I'll need to do.
Meanwhile, I still get lots of data and signals that can be useful for me to do. I don't know why I'm feeling like I can't do everything though. But for the sake of evolution and goals, it's needed.
And also I feel like I can't place a lot into one single position. I've been doing so but it's an unstable thing to do. There are lots of ideas and beliefs from everyone to be considered, and it seems that I can't handle all of those. Why it seems like it has been that way? Maybe because it was intended to be that way, maybe because all the stuff done was so comfortable the moment a variation was done crashed away my expectations again. Maybe because I've been struggling more than ever to be myself.
I don't like it. I do things, I live quite a normal life. I kinda follow things others do, because I think they're cool doing it. The real question is why I can't blend it as part of myself...?
What it seems to be worse is that people won't notice it. And I don't want them to know what I feel about hanging out with them, I might be worrying them a lot. It's not that I can tell it to everyone, it's not that they are interested on hear it.
There are some things that I have to make sure that's what I think as for now. I have to make some criteria of the world and the society I live in.
All the world, and the developing story comes around that, about a boy that swiftly evades reality, society, just because my ambiance with my family can apply this. They know though they can't get me hanging for a lot more time, that I'll have to break and follow my own convictions, not putting aside reality, which seems like wanting to take it from me. I've seen a lot for not noticing that.
Other people around it seems to be trained to receive lots of harsh things and not care nonetheless, that's how normal people around here are used to be. It's all about being direct and reckless, knowing that's the way they behave to each other, and seems to like it too. Of course I've been redirected a lot of times, and because of the same motion (because I had no other choice) I resisted the picks on me. However, I don't know if it's because I really don't like it, but my whole self is feeling all the adversity through their words. It's his defense they apply to make me feel down sometimes.
And still I get it, it's just a joke, they really not being serious at times, but why I can't bear all of this data received...? Not even Internet data is possible somehow, it's has been a problem. Because if I can't express myself, or if I can't evolve that part of myself, I'll have to continue enduring all what it comes from me, and what it has to be the best, is to defend myself the best way I can, by the means of talking, and by the means of facts.
I still think people want to reach into me which I clearly refused to, I still think people would see me as shy or not a very friendly guy at times, because of me not being able to talk. Or because of me not even been able to prove myself, nor even feel the need to do something more than doing the best I know, which also it's a doubting thing in progress.
Developing and programming has been harsh, not being able to follow things and organize has been hard to me, I don't know how others can manage to do that. They would think it's unnecessary but for me it is.
And feeling like the tools I use to develop are slowing around so it has been more difficult to progress the way want to do. I want to learn, and get info the fastest, I know my mind can follow through more quickly than the computer, but it has to follow my pace in order to make the knowledge productive.
It was long the wait, and haven't been so amused by all the signals and wordings, but onw thing is for sure is, in order to resume fully I'll have to depend mostly on myself, and deal any disruptive motion that comes over my head, for the sake of still learning and find out what things are better to maintain, and what things are better leave off for the good of my emotional health.
And, motivated to create more and variated stuff to show others and give support too.
Being myself has to be in the end the best thing I can desire more than ever, because that's when people really gonna notice how special you are.
I would be dumb to think to wish things to be different, but it doesn't have to, as long as you have the mind to think about how to make things a little different, to see new perspectives and handle /respect of of it, and of course let people know what you want, how do you feel, and for the special ones, how special they are.
I know I'll need to improve, so recover old things I used to do is gonna help me. Because I know I can do it better than last time. It's really gonna help me. So hope I can handle this and with the new progress material and resources I can be better.
We can do it for sure. We'll keep it going, even with a fake smile or a fake fall-down, but sure we can stand up whatever we needed.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
After June Post
Hello there.
So, this blog has been a space where I can publish and express all of myself. And mostly it has helped me understand who I am and what I want to become. Also to overcome my insecurities and try to be a little bit more social. Not only having friends, also getting nice one-to-one interactions.
As for now I've been handling out a bunch of things to create and unlock new features of myself, new features for this user, new functions and helpers to make assistance of the current situation I'm having now.
There's been a lot of work on my side, giving up some actions to maintain the pace I'm into. I feel like I'm making my best effort to get the balance needed on the activities. I really do things to make notice of what I'm doing.
The thing is all that experience I have, I show it to you. But seems like I can't show beyond that point. Well it's kinda obvious research is a must. But as you can clearly see, most of my drawings express my introversion, my shyness, my way to see life.... It hasn't been mostly about fan arts some has recommended me, or any situation that really involves family, friends, relationships, any kind of social interaction..., because..., I haven't really been a lot through that...
And as you see, most of the movies and shows involves people talking, people interacting with other people, having conversations they can clearly manage within their range of ideas they have. They know how to talk and how to keep it going with the conversation if there is another topic or random thing there is to be talked about. At one point, they know well what the other likes and gives a nice conversation about it.
One of the things I've discovered is that, no matter when you meet a person or how long haven't you talked to that person, if the conversation is on, there is always something new you can ask to get what he likes the most. I know that people can't have something with me because of how I'm giving the information when talking, and people sometimes won't like to start a conversation, so there will be times where I should want to be the one starting a conversation with a topic I know it would make us feel nice to both....
It has been a very long process, having to go for virtual friendships to make step by step on the lack of experience I have on that. Then trying to translate it in form of real life friendship and get the benefit of dealing with their conversations.
I've been mostly alone on this..., and to keep saying I'm a shy boy, that I can't deal with talking and verbal expression, has been a very difficult process to apply, because they mostly wouldn't understand how I would feel at that moment. And when I thought I could go for something more, I discover that I get so nervous I can't really deal with the situation, and run away...
Like that time where I wanted to be friends with someone, tried to make my effort to make it happen, but got too nervous think of the idea of not wanting to lose him. Because of things. But then to realize IRL friendship wasn't the answer. If that wasn't the answer, then how to make it happen...? People would assume, I would have other friends, but that's not true. They were biased by my conformity and my lack of knowledge. How could I ever want it to learn...?
So, this blog has been a space where I can publish and express all of myself. And mostly it has helped me understand who I am and what I want to become. Also to overcome my insecurities and try to be a little bit more social. Not only having friends, also getting nice one-to-one interactions.
As for now I've been handling out a bunch of things to create and unlock new features of myself, new features for this user, new functions and helpers to make assistance of the current situation I'm having now.
There's been a lot of work on my side, giving up some actions to maintain the pace I'm into. I feel like I'm making my best effort to get the balance needed on the activities. I really do things to make notice of what I'm doing.
The thing is all that experience I have, I show it to you. But seems like I can't show beyond that point. Well it's kinda obvious research is a must. But as you can clearly see, most of my drawings express my introversion, my shyness, my way to see life.... It hasn't been mostly about fan arts some has recommended me, or any situation that really involves family, friends, relationships, any kind of social interaction..., because..., I haven't really been a lot through that...
And as you see, most of the movies and shows involves people talking, people interacting with other people, having conversations they can clearly manage within their range of ideas they have. They know how to talk and how to keep it going with the conversation if there is another topic or random thing there is to be talked about. At one point, they know well what the other likes and gives a nice conversation about it.
One of the things I've discovered is that, no matter when you meet a person or how long haven't you talked to that person, if the conversation is on, there is always something new you can ask to get what he likes the most. I know that people can't have something with me because of how I'm giving the information when talking, and people sometimes won't like to start a conversation, so there will be times where I should want to be the one starting a conversation with a topic I know it would make us feel nice to both....
It has been a very long process, having to go for virtual friendships to make step by step on the lack of experience I have on that. Then trying to translate it in form of real life friendship and get the benefit of dealing with their conversations.
I've been mostly alone on this..., and to keep saying I'm a shy boy, that I can't deal with talking and verbal expression, has been a very difficult process to apply, because they mostly wouldn't understand how I would feel at that moment. And when I thought I could go for something more, I discover that I get so nervous I can't really deal with the situation, and run away...
Like that time where I wanted to be friends with someone, tried to make my effort to make it happen, but got too nervous think of the idea of not wanting to lose him. Because of things. But then to realize IRL friendship wasn't the answer. If that wasn't the answer, then how to make it happen...? People would assume, I would have other friends, but that's not true. They were biased by my conformity and my lack of knowledge. How could I ever want it to learn...?
But then, lots of things.... Virtual friendships are something that if I depend a lot of them, I would go down if a lack of communication exists, even a IRL friendship moment isn't the proper one, because of displacement of time/space. I should have my introverted moments, I should have my moment with friends, and I have the things where I can share, whatever thing I feel to all or to some. It's how it works with communication, and social data.
Hopefully, someone would really assert friendship as it is, as how people go and say and do and go places and so. Not getting into my own normal introverted first social centrism of data, trying to give my own idea of what I see of the world. Then I would actually feel I'm stable at handling data, and not constantly thinking they're not talking with me because they're occupied or not having time for you, which can be true, but it doesn't have to affect me...
Sunday, May 17, 2015
A fast writing while on morning days
It has been days of thinking and days of not being able to create more content for data flow. It has been days where lots of people didn't know how I was and how I was making the things I was doing in order to make more reliable content to see. It has been lots of days where I was lost into what I thought it was my comfort zone but it wasn't so true...
"I was running, running and running, my feet wouldn't stop running. I wasn't being able to see what was the endpoint and what I was doing in this unusual world. Suddenly a blast of light hit me with all his might. I was unable to catch it and made me feel unbalanced for a bit. But still I was running. Running without tripping, running without falling apart, running without having to stop. "
"After so many hits, I realized what to do. And so what I did is simple: try to evade it or try to reflect it. That is the following path onto this world. And I wouldn't find it until I get a proper way to deal with all this coming data and feel comfortable with myself..."
"After so many hits, I realized what to do. And so what I did is simple: try to evade it or try to reflect it. That is the following path onto this world. And I wouldn't find it until I get a proper way to deal with all this coming data and feel comfortable with myself..."
I was into that world, after so many other obstacles in life, somehow my whole essential needed to be able to get his very own path to follow in life. I kinda like it. It's may not be the best thing, it may not be the right thing, it may not even be how society looks it or how my family looks it, but I like it. If it weren't I wouldn't really feel comfortable about it.
There is though things that has to be settled in order to make this to happen. I don't know what has to be, but it has to be done. I wasn't able to make a writing about basic position of elementary statements. It needs a force of overpowering energy, and action of time focus and the restriction of all incoming data that may bias our thought on that moment. Because of the last one I couldn't be able to look upon the elevation of data. There are things to be settled to be more sure to myself. There are things that has to be done in order to place a better me and cope with emotions all the time and know what to do on trembling situations.
There is though things that has to be settled in order to make this to happen. I don't know what has to be, but it has to be done. I wasn't able to make a writing about basic position of elementary statements. It needs a force of overpowering energy, and action of time focus and the restriction of all incoming data that may bias our thought on that moment. Because of the last one I couldn't be able to look upon the elevation of data. There are things to be settled to be more sure to myself. There are things that has to be done in order to place a better me and cope with emotions all the time and know what to do on trembling situations.
And so I can do more blogging so it's gonna be a nice day and a nice week too.
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Social Anxiety and Evasion of Direct Communication.
I'm doing it again... that's not cool... >/////<
There're a bunch of ideas surrounding me lately, with such force that it's making a lot of direct damage to the world within the mind of the Attribution of Motion and all its surrounding areas. Trying to deal with it has been more difficult than I thought. And just because I let open the bonding points so that I can deal on each of them. This situation is so serious a revival of this blog must have been done :B
If you have been following me all this way I tell you that I started this blog (almost 4 years ago...!) with me stating that I have problems socializing with people, that I'm an Introverted person that keeps it to myself, and that his lack of social experience has been tough to deal with even starting a conversation with them! All those years of practice and dealing with new things has been a long process and then the position that gives the force that moves on has been in an up and down statement, where my emotions are giving me so much trouble to handle.
What it seems to be that a nice second phase was on the way, and that evolution got the position into my hands, a bunch of unexpected events, and a bunch of defending events occurred, making what I fear that would happen: a lack of time and distance covered that makes the bond kinda unresponsive to data flow. On other words, a known bond would be difficult to stay in touch after a long period of time.
The problem is being solved by trying to give the effort needed to recover from that situation. But there's a big problem emerging from that situation: myself being distracted due to different factors. Lacking concentration is one of the things that I hate the most. And I really do. Because if I can't handle all the situation at once I get desperate, anxious and even getting into a bad mood and suffer from it.
As far as I know, normal people are used to handle all the things I'm handling right now! So why are those things emerging again as if nothing had changed from the time I was starting this blog...? Lack of rest, harsh events of main activities, even lack of time and creative ideas. What's more I'm trying to lose myself into data disruption and big data path branching connection, two things that can be dangerous if not used well, or if used selfishly. The main path is going trough the data bridge connection, where two worlds connect each other and establish the bonding needed to keep things cool in between themselves.
Trying to surround the data from each User Point is easy if the path is easy to give. They don't seem to realize it, not even they care about it too. So trying to get information from that method is easy if you know what you're doing and if there's a right meaning to do it. If getting a form of obsessive motion, that's where things get complicated. And that's what failing corners appears because, if trying too much, chances are you're not gonna find anything useful in the end.
I tend not to go into direct motion, nor even question about lots of things that I have doubts about. Therefore trying to assume things on the information the User is giving. That seems not right and I admit it. If I'm trying to state it here is because I don't want to use it as a sole purpose to get information. I know that I can get it by talking, by making questions, trying to make a space to handle those questions, and trying to make an understanding with the other User Point. if things go right you go follow that strategy, if things go not as expected trying to get new ways of understanding can make the position of trust and that the way you get to know the other person is because of wanting to have a good talk.
One of the things that I fear to do but it's nice to do it is state the worries to the other User, and what the bonding problems you have on that. If the other User acceded to give data and somehow a problem of communication emerges, it's good to make it know, also if possible make the other know how the talking and sharing are great things to do with that user. That having to talk with them is nice and cool and that I thank for that.
But also I don't want to worry them with lots of my personal emotional problems, too much..., they would think that I can't really handle it but the thing is: I can handle it, only that I need that little thing that I fear from time to time that I can't even do. That is: being myself with what I talk and ask what you feel the best you ask. Of course there are ways to ask, and somehow it will be better that way to ask it the right way so to see the other user that we're making the things right. I think with that it will make things better, and if something if people knows you and a weird things happens in the conversation, it can be solved easily by making the statement of passing by, and no big deal I guess.
What I'm trying to do in the end is wanting to talk with users the best way possible, and don't doubt when trying to clear my doubts, because what I suffer the most from is the doubt, and my constant fear of not face that. Hope with this I can make clear again of what I'm gonna do next time I see you :B
There're a bunch of ideas surrounding me lately, with such force that it's making a lot of direct damage to the world within the mind of the Attribution of Motion and all its surrounding areas. Trying to deal with it has been more difficult than I thought. And just because I let open the bonding points so that I can deal on each of them. This situation is so serious a revival of this blog must have been done :B
If you have been following me all this way I tell you that I started this blog (almost 4 years ago...!) with me stating that I have problems socializing with people, that I'm an Introverted person that keeps it to myself, and that his lack of social experience has been tough to deal with even starting a conversation with them! All those years of practice and dealing with new things has been a long process and then the position that gives the force that moves on has been in an up and down statement, where my emotions are giving me so much trouble to handle.
What it seems to be that a nice second phase was on the way, and that evolution got the position into my hands, a bunch of unexpected events, and a bunch of defending events occurred, making what I fear that would happen: a lack of time and distance covered that makes the bond kinda unresponsive to data flow. On other words, a known bond would be difficult to stay in touch after a long period of time.
The problem is being solved by trying to give the effort needed to recover from that situation. But there's a big problem emerging from that situation: myself being distracted due to different factors. Lacking concentration is one of the things that I hate the most. And I really do. Because if I can't handle all the situation at once I get desperate, anxious and even getting into a bad mood and suffer from it.
As far as I know, normal people are used to handle all the things I'm handling right now! So why are those things emerging again as if nothing had changed from the time I was starting this blog...? Lack of rest, harsh events of main activities, even lack of time and creative ideas. What's more I'm trying to lose myself into data disruption and big data path branching connection, two things that can be dangerous if not used well, or if used selfishly. The main path is going trough the data bridge connection, where two worlds connect each other and establish the bonding needed to keep things cool in between themselves.
Trying to surround the data from each User Point is easy if the path is easy to give. They don't seem to realize it, not even they care about it too. So trying to get information from that method is easy if you know what you're doing and if there's a right meaning to do it. If getting a form of obsessive motion, that's where things get complicated. And that's what failing corners appears because, if trying too much, chances are you're not gonna find anything useful in the end.
I tend not to go into direct motion, nor even question about lots of things that I have doubts about. Therefore trying to assume things on the information the User is giving. That seems not right and I admit it. If I'm trying to state it here is because I don't want to use it as a sole purpose to get information. I know that I can get it by talking, by making questions, trying to make a space to handle those questions, and trying to make an understanding with the other User Point. if things go right you go follow that strategy, if things go not as expected trying to get new ways of understanding can make the position of trust and that the way you get to know the other person is because of wanting to have a good talk.
One of the things that I fear to do but it's nice to do it is state the worries to the other User, and what the bonding problems you have on that. If the other User acceded to give data and somehow a problem of communication emerges, it's good to make it know, also if possible make the other know how the talking and sharing are great things to do with that user. That having to talk with them is nice and cool and that I thank for that.
But also I don't want to worry them with lots of my personal emotional problems, too much..., they would think that I can't really handle it but the thing is: I can handle it, only that I need that little thing that I fear from time to time that I can't even do. That is: being myself with what I talk and ask what you feel the best you ask. Of course there are ways to ask, and somehow it will be better that way to ask it the right way so to see the other user that we're making the things right. I think with that it will make things better, and if something if people knows you and a weird things happens in the conversation, it can be solved easily by making the statement of passing by, and no big deal I guess.
What I'm trying to do in the end is wanting to talk with users the best way possible, and don't doubt when trying to clear my doubts, because what I suffer the most from is the doubt, and my constant fear of not face that. Hope with this I can make clear again of what I'm gonna do next time I see you :B
Thursday, December 25, 2014
The moment I realize I don't often realize about life...
Last week of the year is here now, and I'm using my position of User giving the name of Erick Medina, a.k.a. StndNerdBoy11, publishing on a kinda forgotten blog, "A Nerd's Adventure", making statements about this year, based on lots of experiences.
This year has been one with lots of changes and adaptations, if I'm still saying evolution has been a tough process is because of those changes, unexpected changes, unthinkable changes, things I have been not considering. It's not that this year hasn't been productive, in fact, well, if some things weren't done as expected, all what results are just learnings of life, and knowledge recollection.
But I can say, I've been through lots of things. I hope in this I can explain most of it:
Starting the year, I wasn't expecting too much of anything, just living a normal productive day-life as a developer, making programs as a main, drawing and writing as a hobby. I was a boy, I'm still a boy, not that I wanted to look it into that perspective but, I was of the kind of the ones that its only there when needed, nothing more productive than that. In a way, it was unproductive and far from the mission I was undertaking, putting aside the main part. There was a lot of learning from that though, organization of code and team structure, it wasn't hard. But then, I don't know if it was me or it was the others, somehow I didn't fit in them. It's not purely because of introversion, because of some limiting things I have it was supposed to overcome on the daily basis. I think I was going to learn how to be noticed on trial and error. But most of the time, they let me be, they weren't precise what to do, they were in a way ignoring me. Even though I was feeling fine I could do lots of things, in a way not doing a real thing to do was frustrating and it was leading me to no where.
Meanwhile, you know I have made nice drawings on my deviantArt account, mostly covering main characters, some after-year expression, happiness on the show, my birthday (that drawing looks awesome), some commission and contest entry and then some entries of the world cup.
But by the time "Frustration over Passion" was made, a bending of events was emerged.
A disruption of the bonding protection happened, on one of the many dimensions far away. Not giving any details about it, but there is one thing to know, when that happens, everything trembles, and in real life, that hurt me. As a User-type, one is willing to protect the boundary and the actions and channel the energy to positive towards its followers and known people. Knowing that a common bond is broken and not accessible anymore, meaning a response from the destination was not received, it really questions the power and the use someone is giving to the people to use it. But I guess that was the thing I couldn't made a lot of effort because of things. I don't want to feel guilty about it, because somehow I know, there is no need for me to act on this aspect.
But putting aside the disruption of the bonding protection, it wasn't the mere event, but of how common it was with the main part, how I wanna achieve things, and how important life is, and what not to do.... Looking it that way, it's hard to grasp it.
From that part, there was a misleading handling and a main position of keep the change and feel a goal must be achieved to feel something was doing right on this year. Not to say each day we don't achieve anything, but then its normal to feel we need to get higher, its in our human nature. Motivated by the Social First achievements of mid-year, it was time for me to do my own.
Based on what I have done, I told myself to go higher into new positions, and if necessary, make some sacrifices that won't affect lots of my everyday doing. So by the end of the third trimester, by the opportunity and help of the main Social Second, I decided to change what I was doing with the development of software, at least to feel more into my zone and be more productive. That process, was so difficult to make, because it was my first time, and because of the unexpected situations it could arise from that. So, in order to do that, all my focus went to maintain my own emotional thoughts into overcome real shyness and trembling, serious real social talking, and authority confrontation if necessary.
I still wonder how did I manage to do that, I still wonder if it was the right decision, because sacrifices of time/space were made. If all 2013 was difficult to me to draw because of other issues than 2012, this year it was a little even more difficult. Gaming, new opening of bondings, emotional channeling, frustration on the wait, lots of real issues to attend and space invasion in order to get a little more space in the end. I was in stand-by, but still blinking in light. It was still a moment of transition but, low-profile.
By the time the process was done, I was ready to start fresh new, with things I would know actually and with people I could gladly interact without a hassle, despite of what would they say. I would say on that part, it has been great. And somehow I found a point where I can happily do and share. I can say a symbolic evolution was opened to be reclaimed. The last 3 months, it was, waiting for the process of the new main to be made, Social First encounters, a November of adaptation and a December of structuring. Time has been a rival to face, but then, these last two weeks are to make peace with time. I'm not Page of Time for nothing :P
My mission here now is, for the next new year to come, is to return my normals before the third trimester, handle the process crystal clear, generate a revolution of ideas, handle the input and output of data, social data, notifications, requirements, in an objective positive way, take some notes on what to change and what to keep or discard. I'm still nervous and afraid I can't go through all of it, and in a way I kept on upgrading what I need to fulfill those needs.
I feel, expectations are forming for the next year, because, I really want to show all, what I can really do. It's just a matter of motivation and support of all of you, and the will to keep forward.
For now, I can take this moment to organize everything and make a good restart this next year.
Thanks to all of you for going with me this year!
This year has been one with lots of changes and adaptations, if I'm still saying evolution has been a tough process is because of those changes, unexpected changes, unthinkable changes, things I have been not considering. It's not that this year hasn't been productive, in fact, well, if some things weren't done as expected, all what results are just learnings of life, and knowledge recollection.
But I can say, I've been through lots of things. I hope in this I can explain most of it:
Starting the year, I wasn't expecting too much of anything, just living a normal productive day-life as a developer, making programs as a main, drawing and writing as a hobby. I was a boy, I'm still a boy, not that I wanted to look it into that perspective but, I was of the kind of the ones that its only there when needed, nothing more productive than that. In a way, it was unproductive and far from the mission I was undertaking, putting aside the main part. There was a lot of learning from that though, organization of code and team structure, it wasn't hard. But then, I don't know if it was me or it was the others, somehow I didn't fit in them. It's not purely because of introversion, because of some limiting things I have it was supposed to overcome on the daily basis. I think I was going to learn how to be noticed on trial and error. But most of the time, they let me be, they weren't precise what to do, they were in a way ignoring me. Even though I was feeling fine I could do lots of things, in a way not doing a real thing to do was frustrating and it was leading me to no where.
Meanwhile, you know I have made nice drawings on my deviantArt account, mostly covering main characters, some after-year expression, happiness on the show, my birthday (that drawing looks awesome), some commission and contest entry and then some entries of the world cup.
But by the time "Frustration over Passion" was made, a bending of events was emerged.
A disruption of the bonding protection happened, on one of the many dimensions far away. Not giving any details about it, but there is one thing to know, when that happens, everything trembles, and in real life, that hurt me. As a User-type, one is willing to protect the boundary and the actions and channel the energy to positive towards its followers and known people. Knowing that a common bond is broken and not accessible anymore, meaning a response from the destination was not received, it really questions the power and the use someone is giving to the people to use it. But I guess that was the thing I couldn't made a lot of effort because of things. I don't want to feel guilty about it, because somehow I know, there is no need for me to act on this aspect.
But putting aside the disruption of the bonding protection, it wasn't the mere event, but of how common it was with the main part, how I wanna achieve things, and how important life is, and what not to do.... Looking it that way, it's hard to grasp it.
From that part, there was a misleading handling and a main position of keep the change and feel a goal must be achieved to feel something was doing right on this year. Not to say each day we don't achieve anything, but then its normal to feel we need to get higher, its in our human nature. Motivated by the Social First achievements of mid-year, it was time for me to do my own.
Based on what I have done, I told myself to go higher into new positions, and if necessary, make some sacrifices that won't affect lots of my everyday doing. So by the end of the third trimester, by the opportunity and help of the main Social Second, I decided to change what I was doing with the development of software, at least to feel more into my zone and be more productive. That process, was so difficult to make, because it was my first time, and because of the unexpected situations it could arise from that. So, in order to do that, all my focus went to maintain my own emotional thoughts into overcome real shyness and trembling, serious real social talking, and authority confrontation if necessary.
I still wonder how did I manage to do that, I still wonder if it was the right decision, because sacrifices of time/space were made. If all 2013 was difficult to me to draw because of other issues than 2012, this year it was a little even more difficult. Gaming, new opening of bondings, emotional channeling, frustration on the wait, lots of real issues to attend and space invasion in order to get a little more space in the end. I was in stand-by, but still blinking in light. It was still a moment of transition but, low-profile.
By the time the process was done, I was ready to start fresh new, with things I would know actually and with people I could gladly interact without a hassle, despite of what would they say. I would say on that part, it has been great. And somehow I found a point where I can happily do and share. I can say a symbolic evolution was opened to be reclaimed. The last 3 months, it was, waiting for the process of the new main to be made, Social First encounters, a November of adaptation and a December of structuring. Time has been a rival to face, but then, these last two weeks are to make peace with time. I'm not Page of Time for nothing :P
My mission here now is, for the next new year to come, is to return my normals before the third trimester, handle the process crystal clear, generate a revolution of ideas, handle the input and output of data, social data, notifications, requirements, in an objective positive way, take some notes on what to change and what to keep or discard. I'm still nervous and afraid I can't go through all of it, and in a way I kept on upgrading what I need to fulfill those needs.
I feel, expectations are forming for the next year, because, I really want to show all, what I can really do. It's just a matter of motivation and support of all of you, and the will to keep forward.
For now, I can take this moment to organize everything and make a good restart this next year.
Thanks to all of you for going with me this year!
Monday, June 30, 2014
Just before mid-year ends...
..., something has to take me off-balance on unusual levels.
It's like, you're prepared to face great high-leveled creatures, but then a turnaround of events flip over the charts and then you face a creature of overwhelming power, not because of the level, because the flip over turned the stats against him, leaving you on a great disadvantage, nothing could be done before his first and utmost attack what will wipe you out of the play-field.
Then, at the Game Over screen, you start crying. You start to feel sad, and ideas come of your mind, not understanding anything of what happened. You stand up, trying to be strong, and enter again, pressing continue. There was no other option.
But as you see the game field again, an unusual feeling, that same feeling you felt when the things turned against you. High speed sounds and moving objects, facing the unusual get around of the battle. Enemies are the same but somehow their stats were a little bit different, it may be higher, it may be lower.
Everything is different, and the pressure is still on, you don't know how long you're gonna be able to handle the ambiance.... The boss fight is on again, and you didn't get surprised by its opening attack, still it was shocking. You stand there as your Wide Retribution covers most of the field, trying to at least impede the boss from approaching to you. All you can do is recognize the field and take some key points and resources with you. With a strong punch broke your shield, and with another one, threw you out of the field again....
Game over for you, but the emotional pain was too much. Since the start, a strong pressure was consuming all that energy, and because of that, your recovery would take longer, before entering the unusual zone.
This is what you'll do: enter the zone, be aware of the consuming motion, try to be the most objective possible, not being carried away with the sensation. Know the area and reach key spots for saving, there could be no possible way everything could be covered by the pressure. Try to cover yourself if you can. And, when you're at the boss, quickly avoid the attack, and then get away. The strong punch could break away your emotional status. It's better to find better strategies each time you enter the zone rather than go full force and get beaten uncountable times.
It's a safe bet, so when you finally decide to stand against the beast, you know better what to say, and what to do.
*sigh*, those are the things that happen in my mind, things that I can't handle, until I can accept reality with all its consequences.... It's harsh, but, we're still here....
It's like, you're prepared to face great high-leveled creatures, but then a turnaround of events flip over the charts and then you face a creature of overwhelming power, not because of the level, because the flip over turned the stats against him, leaving you on a great disadvantage, nothing could be done before his first and utmost attack what will wipe you out of the play-field.
Then, at the Game Over screen, you start crying. You start to feel sad, and ideas come of your mind, not understanding anything of what happened. You stand up, trying to be strong, and enter again, pressing continue. There was no other option.
But as you see the game field again, an unusual feeling, that same feeling you felt when the things turned against you. High speed sounds and moving objects, facing the unusual get around of the battle. Enemies are the same but somehow their stats were a little bit different, it may be higher, it may be lower.
Everything is different, and the pressure is still on, you don't know how long you're gonna be able to handle the ambiance.... The boss fight is on again, and you didn't get surprised by its opening attack, still it was shocking. You stand there as your Wide Retribution covers most of the field, trying to at least impede the boss from approaching to you. All you can do is recognize the field and take some key points and resources with you. With a strong punch broke your shield, and with another one, threw you out of the field again....
Game over for you, but the emotional pain was too much. Since the start, a strong pressure was consuming all that energy, and because of that, your recovery would take longer, before entering the unusual zone.
This is what you'll do: enter the zone, be aware of the consuming motion, try to be the most objective possible, not being carried away with the sensation. Know the area and reach key spots for saving, there could be no possible way everything could be covered by the pressure. Try to cover yourself if you can. And, when you're at the boss, quickly avoid the attack, and then get away. The strong punch could break away your emotional status. It's better to find better strategies each time you enter the zone rather than go full force and get beaten uncountable times.
It's a safe bet, so when you finally decide to stand against the beast, you know better what to say, and what to do.
*sigh*, those are the things that happen in my mind, things that I can't handle, until I can accept reality with all its consequences.... It's harsh, but, we're still here....
Monday, April 7, 2014
Collective Ponderations of a Monday Morning
Lately the pressure was getting over me again, and even though it was just a matter of not being able to sleep last night, it was still annoying. You are supposed to recover from your sleep and gain more energy to tomorrow. You know important things comes on Mondays and though we might not grasp it at all, all we have to do is have a nice and pleasant dream.
I knew somehow I woke up late last day, and that it wouldn't let me get into a proper sleep. I was just thinking about things. Life, own expectations, a little bit of ranting of myself, and future *place a squidward saying "Future..!"* . Also, people's lives, where am I going to be in the next few years, and how to get all problems solved before the real problem that is surviving life. And also, the always question of who am I, who are the others I see around, who are the people I rarely (but usually for me) hang out or talk to. And also, what dumb/silly things I am doing to impress others, to be admired, or to be envious or to be I the one I can change their lives. It's not like it happens everyday but I'm sure it does :3
That's when later on the day I discovered, I wasn't alone on that thinking. Surprisingly, lots of people got worried that night. People handling work, school things on the morning, people wanting to change things, people overcoming issues and lots of over-thinking, and people just trying to get some time to sleep, maybe by doing other things just to lose time. If they don't need to get up early, maybe they can have this to enjoy.
But, one thing is thinking and thinking about it, and another is not thinking about it at all. And in between thinking and not thinking, I lose time to make big decisions. I could be doing better things instead of thinking it too much, making conclusions is important. But as I said, it's a matter of believing in myself and make other believe in themselves, so that a Motivational Point can be reached and the Flow of Action can be done.
I won't think that people because of their experiences wouldn't take a chance to follow what their believe and follow their dreams, I just think that people are amazing to have a nice talk, or at least share the same things. People on the Internet, in a nice world. I tend to forget I need to get out to see people outside, just to make note this is not as important as everything else in the world. This is only a way I can achieve better things, this is the way I can share my thoughts with you.
With that, I log off, and hope to write more.
I knew somehow I woke up late last day, and that it wouldn't let me get into a proper sleep. I was just thinking about things. Life, own expectations, a little bit of ranting of myself, and future *place a squidward saying "Future..!"* . Also, people's lives, where am I going to be in the next few years, and how to get all problems solved before the real problem that is surviving life. And also, the always question of who am I, who are the others I see around, who are the people I rarely (but usually for me) hang out or talk to. And also, what dumb/silly things I am doing to impress others, to be admired, or to be envious or to be I the one I can change their lives. It's not like it happens everyday but I'm sure it does :3
That's when later on the day I discovered, I wasn't alone on that thinking. Surprisingly, lots of people got worried that night. People handling work, school things on the morning, people wanting to change things, people overcoming issues and lots of over-thinking, and people just trying to get some time to sleep, maybe by doing other things just to lose time. If they don't need to get up early, maybe they can have this to enjoy.
But, one thing is thinking and thinking about it, and another is not thinking about it at all. And in between thinking and not thinking, I lose time to make big decisions. I could be doing better things instead of thinking it too much, making conclusions is important. But as I said, it's a matter of believing in myself and make other believe in themselves, so that a Motivational Point can be reached and the Flow of Action can be done.
I won't think that people because of their experiences wouldn't take a chance to follow what their believe and follow their dreams, I just think that people are amazing to have a nice talk, or at least share the same things. People on the Internet, in a nice world. I tend to forget I need to get out to see people outside, just to make note this is not as important as everything else in the world. This is only a way I can achieve better things, this is the way I can share my thoughts with you.
With that, I log off, and hope to write more.
Monday, March 17, 2014
"Strange Things..."
[I wrote this before my birthday motivation motion...]
Hi, again with this strange things called changes.
(Toy Story reference, in English they say "Strange Things", in Spanish we say "Cambios")
And if I recall, it was because everything was changing to an unexpected world someone would say what's going on. Well, that's what I fear. I'm having up-and-down moments because, I fear everything I have done could go away, just by a single thought in my life. The feeling of why I'm keep doing this? What's my motivation? and who is gonna see what I have done? No one near the position I'm right now knows everything about what I do, what I draw, what I write. I showed ones at one time or another, but they are still in another world different from mine, giving their all to keep surviving in this reality and being a base that supports certain community. If that support didn't exist, my handling of life would be much harder, and I would dislike it even more.
Having trouble overthinking things, not knowing the world I am, because of that, I'm confused. I'm confused on how to act when those kind of situations arise, those social situations combining it with my feeling of sensibility. I mean, I was open to requests and started making conversations, trying to understand the lives of other people, but then, what to do if you give too much to one person?
Even if I try to avoid it, I fail miserably. It's just that when I feel that the other person could be SO AWESOME to have a everyday talk without any feeling of distress from my part or without thinking on hurting someone's feelings with my words, all this thought makes me feel I don't want to take that risk. And thought it would be nice to think about it, when it comes to really do it, is when I get nervous and a little scared.
I got my moments when people's words went through me and I didn't have a proper response about it. People said it, even if they knew what they said or knew how can be the reaction of the other person. And because I know people can't really give a message the way everyone wants to hear, I can tell it's because they are like this, it was the way they wanted to give the message, or at least in most of the way.
What I can see from all of this is the type of tone some people like to hear more from one person than from another, and the proper defense from hearing the messages, if they give you a sense of comfort, or if they give you a sense of discomfort. All experiences involved in the conversations. That's so how people are dealing to other people and tell that their tone of one person is not as much compatible as their own.
Finding compatible tones is difficult, and in most cases the common ones are the ones that normal society has in real life. It's easier. But when you don't naturally have it, it wouldn't be easier, than maybe try to find a easy way to deal with the ones compatible to you. Even though they have nice common things to share, if time-space isn't at one point, if experiences can't be easily shared, if there's a lack of interest on one person, levels of compatibility gets lower.
And to know how is the level of compatibility of one person, we need to know him a little bit deeper than the sharing point they have, up to the point of see if one thing would turn up into a clash against ideas or not. Whatever the result of the collision point would determine if we can handle it or not, and so having to place a limit on how often we should from now on want to treat one person.
Friendship in its pure form is having lots of collision points, with its points getting away from it, and then by the gravitational force they give from their sharing points, return like boomerangs, and reunite again to give again new form of points, either direction given.
I have to give those changes anyway, at least I need to understand well time, and space, and people too. No need to rush, only on the things I can do better, only on the things I necessarily need to rush, but not to other people, because they're more experienced and I have to reach them to be at the same level.
Hi, again with this strange things called changes.
(Toy Story reference, in English they say "Strange Things", in Spanish we say "Cambios")
And if I recall, it was because everything was changing to an unexpected world someone would say what's going on. Well, that's what I fear. I'm having up-and-down moments because, I fear everything I have done could go away, just by a single thought in my life. The feeling of why I'm keep doing this? What's my motivation? and who is gonna see what I have done? No one near the position I'm right now knows everything about what I do, what I draw, what I write. I showed ones at one time or another, but they are still in another world different from mine, giving their all to keep surviving in this reality and being a base that supports certain community. If that support didn't exist, my handling of life would be much harder, and I would dislike it even more.
Having trouble overthinking things, not knowing the world I am, because of that, I'm confused. I'm confused on how to act when those kind of situations arise, those social situations combining it with my feeling of sensibility. I mean, I was open to requests and started making conversations, trying to understand the lives of other people, but then, what to do if you give too much to one person?
Even if I try to avoid it, I fail miserably. It's just that when I feel that the other person could be SO AWESOME to have a everyday talk without any feeling of distress from my part or without thinking on hurting someone's feelings with my words, all this thought makes me feel I don't want to take that risk. And thought it would be nice to think about it, when it comes to really do it, is when I get nervous and a little scared.
I got my moments when people's words went through me and I didn't have a proper response about it. People said it, even if they knew what they said or knew how can be the reaction of the other person. And because I know people can't really give a message the way everyone wants to hear, I can tell it's because they are like this, it was the way they wanted to give the message, or at least in most of the way.
What I can see from all of this is the type of tone some people like to hear more from one person than from another, and the proper defense from hearing the messages, if they give you a sense of comfort, or if they give you a sense of discomfort. All experiences involved in the conversations. That's so how people are dealing to other people and tell that their tone of one person is not as much compatible as their own.
Finding compatible tones is difficult, and in most cases the common ones are the ones that normal society has in real life. It's easier. But when you don't naturally have it, it wouldn't be easier, than maybe try to find a easy way to deal with the ones compatible to you. Even though they have nice common things to share, if time-space isn't at one point, if experiences can't be easily shared, if there's a lack of interest on one person, levels of compatibility gets lower.
And to know how is the level of compatibility of one person, we need to know him a little bit deeper than the sharing point they have, up to the point of see if one thing would turn up into a clash against ideas or not. Whatever the result of the collision point would determine if we can handle it or not, and so having to place a limit on how often we should from now on want to treat one person.
Friendship in its pure form is having lots of collision points, with its points getting away from it, and then by the gravitational force they give from their sharing points, return like boomerangs, and reunite again to give again new form of points, either direction given.
I have to give those changes anyway, at least I need to understand well time, and space, and people too. No need to rush, only on the things I can do better, only on the things I necessarily need to rush, but not to other people, because they're more experienced and I have to reach them to be at the same level.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
I can't sleep
And I don't know if that matters.
I feel like a trembling in my emotional zone. Disruption of area by the Impact of a Message, a blow of the mind of someone who can easily throw those ideas effectively without hesitation and doubt. My counter response was nullified, was stopped by my own Resource of Equilibrium before the action was made.
Why could be that, the Internet, having a wide variety of sorts, can be limited on the actions in real life?
The actions made in real life are much huge than the Internet can recollect. Basically all the same thing. Kinda gloomy the last statement. That's why people give meanings and think about it.
A bunch of data saved on servers made by people, the fact that the people have made it has its own repercussions, both in space, and in time, in popularity, and importance by the ones who pointed to that data. Some people don't realize it, what that data could affect in others' minds. I can maintain my own position by the fact that this blog is still ongoing, since its start. But it's popularity isn't as great as others.
I could say nothing is more important than the fact I was making the things wrong since start. Insecurity after insecurity, after a desperation to write something, to express myself, to let out everything of myself, to give all to destroy all those bindings who were limiting myself, emotional and mentally. And also my ability to write things without saying to much. And receive appreciation, and kindness, and nice words, and pageviews, at least if someone could have seen it. It's a plus.
And, I still think that my world that is outside of the screen of the Digital World is still uncomfortable, because mainly all what I do here is not projecting to the Real World, I don't know if my family sees what I do, or what I have done.
I was thinking about having the first 100 drawings I've made so far, and print them, give them a webpage, kind of a showing case/portfolio, even if there're not as professional, or not even in the hobbyist notation, or maybe it might be. Then show it in a place where they can see what I draw, only because it's fun to me to draw. But even I am afraid of showing this to most of the people I know.
I tried, but I think I need to try harder.
But I hope to continue, at least fulfilling this year's resolutions, that aren't clearly made but I can show them.
I feel like a trembling in my emotional zone. Disruption of area by the Impact of a Message, a blow of the mind of someone who can easily throw those ideas effectively without hesitation and doubt. My counter response was nullified, was stopped by my own Resource of Equilibrium before the action was made.
Why could be that, the Internet, having a wide variety of sorts, can be limited on the actions in real life?
The actions made in real life are much huge than the Internet can recollect. Basically all the same thing. Kinda gloomy the last statement. That's why people give meanings and think about it.
A bunch of data saved on servers made by people, the fact that the people have made it has its own repercussions, both in space, and in time, in popularity, and importance by the ones who pointed to that data. Some people don't realize it, what that data could affect in others' minds. I can maintain my own position by the fact that this blog is still ongoing, since its start. But it's popularity isn't as great as others.
I could say nothing is more important than the fact I was making the things wrong since start. Insecurity after insecurity, after a desperation to write something, to express myself, to let out everything of myself, to give all to destroy all those bindings who were limiting myself, emotional and mentally. And also my ability to write things without saying to much. And receive appreciation, and kindness, and nice words, and pageviews, at least if someone could have seen it. It's a plus.
And, I still think that my world that is outside of the screen of the Digital World is still uncomfortable, because mainly all what I do here is not projecting to the Real World, I don't know if my family sees what I do, or what I have done.
I was thinking about having the first 100 drawings I've made so far, and print them, give them a webpage, kind of a showing case/portfolio, even if there're not as professional, or not even in the hobbyist notation, or maybe it might be. Then show it in a place where they can see what I draw, only because it's fun to me to draw. But even I am afraid of showing this to most of the people I know.
I tried, but I think I need to try harder.
But I hope to continue, at least fulfilling this year's resolutions, that aren't clearly made but I can show them.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
As time passes, a rambling of sort
As time passes one can't tell what to expect now,
'cause of doing the same to one again and again.
Ending up being quiet, not knowing what to say,
who to blame, what to complain, when to tell,
And people don't know what their actions shines,
and get influenced on others' emotions....
But we don't know either how they actually feel,
when we do something we seem to look natural,
but for them it's a unnecessary action and that
they feel it's too much to handle themselves...
A confused mind is still there unless I speak,
but that doesn't come out easily enough,
I only say distance wouldn't care because,
pointing far away is difficult anyway, and more
trying to reach it could be risky, it may hurt.
My own sphere is constantly getting bigger,
and at the same time, getting smaller.
I don't fit in any reality plane dimension area,
and my voice seems to fear to reclaim it,
at least with a little joke that seems real.
"Why you didn't invite me last time...?"
I admit I came late, that was too obvious,
I admit there's no other slot left behind,
People has their lives arranged and they
like to be that way, no need to change,
but that need of changing often of me,
people sees it at an abnormal situation.
Am I actually bad to people..? Can I be it?
Am I a bad person now? When did I become one?
Can a bad person become one because of silence,
not knowing what it was wrong before...?
And people still adds friends, people still comments,
people still is on-line, people still talks,
people still wants to do everything to feel they do,
and people believe they know what others do....
I don't know. And that's sad.
Not even dare to go to open chats.
I just wanted to know, or it's my stupid idea.
But they say it's not the moment now.
So when then? They don't even know either.
That my ambiance seems too normal that it's not.
Too sad to know I can't do anything if,
that anything has to be solved with the thing
I'm fearing the most, I marked my destiny.
So I know I'll be left behind, because they
have stronger influences and they know how.
They know how and I don't, people don't get it.
They get strong desire and I can't make it rise.
Left behind with my weak voice,
negating the need of feeling bad things,
as I believe because I can do better in this world
I can forget reality to explain to others.
But as ironic as it seems, I have this fear,
that people can make what I post for real.
Negating reality, sure ironic contrasting ideas.
And people still seems to be happy...!
I seem to be happy, I believed that a lot,
maybe I don't care about what I lose in crying,
though I shouldn't be doing that more than once,
not at least once per week, I should be strong.
They don't tell me to be strong, but they show it,
and even if I dislike to show what I'm going through,
and even if I dislike crying in front of others,
and even if it's difficult to tell what I feel,
and even if others would later comfort it with words,
they're still standing up on life...
Seeing them stand for life,
makes me notice I should too....
'cause of doing the same to one again and again.
Ending up being quiet, not knowing what to say,
who to blame, what to complain, when to tell,
And people don't know what their actions shines,
and get influenced on others' emotions....
But we don't know either how they actually feel,
when we do something we seem to look natural,
but for them it's a unnecessary action and that
they feel it's too much to handle themselves...
A confused mind is still there unless I speak,
but that doesn't come out easily enough,
I only say distance wouldn't care because,
pointing far away is difficult anyway, and more
trying to reach it could be risky, it may hurt.
My own sphere is constantly getting bigger,
and at the same time, getting smaller.
I don't fit in any reality plane dimension area,
and my voice seems to fear to reclaim it,
at least with a little joke that seems real.
"Why you didn't invite me last time...?"
I admit I came late, that was too obvious,
I admit there's no other slot left behind,
People has their lives arranged and they
like to be that way, no need to change,
but that need of changing often of me,
people sees it at an abnormal situation.
Am I actually bad to people..? Can I be it?
Am I a bad person now? When did I become one?
Can a bad person become one because of silence,
not knowing what it was wrong before...?
And people still adds friends, people still comments,
people still is on-line, people still talks,
people still wants to do everything to feel they do,
and people believe they know what others do....
I don't know. And that's sad.
Not even dare to go to open chats.
I just wanted to know, or it's my stupid idea.
But they say it's not the moment now.
So when then? They don't even know either.
That my ambiance seems too normal that it's not.
Too sad to know I can't do anything if,
that anything has to be solved with the thing
I'm fearing the most, I marked my destiny.
So I know I'll be left behind, because they
have stronger influences and they know how.
They know how and I don't, people don't get it.
They get strong desire and I can't make it rise.
Left behind with my weak voice,
negating the need of feeling bad things,
as I believe because I can do better in this world
I can forget reality to explain to others.
But as ironic as it seems, I have this fear,
that people can make what I post for real.
Negating reality, sure ironic contrasting ideas.
And people still seems to be happy...!
I seem to be happy, I believed that a lot,
maybe I don't care about what I lose in crying,
though I shouldn't be doing that more than once,
not at least once per week, I should be strong.
They don't tell me to be strong, but they show it,
and even if I dislike to show what I'm going through,
and even if I dislike crying in front of others,
and even if it's difficult to tell what I feel,
and even if others would later comfort it with words,
they're still standing up on life...
Seeing them stand for life,
makes me notice I should too....
Monday, December 16, 2013
Cold and Windy Days
The weather has changed, and surely like last year, it came quite strong. This week, strong and cold winds arrived nearby. It wasn't as cold outside, but those magnificent chilly blow of nature made colder everywhere. Even my hands were shaking.
I was reminded about how many days we have left before this year ends. We're on December, so we're closer than in other months. This is the time where we usually think what are of us, where we are now, what things we have achieved, and where we are going to go next. Maybe those ideas come in an inappropriate moment, where we can't think of a better action to do.
You see, it's cold, you want to not want to go out of your bed, trying to get cozy with some chocolate or coffee, and sometimes your body can't do anything more than staying here, perhaps near a heater or near the fire of the chimney. And our mind may get a little sleepy, as we try not to, because we would lose our motivation to continue seeing anime or try to end a level, or finish 100 more lines of code, or doing all of the above. Pushing ourselves on those conditions is hard....
As we approach winter, we see people that likes to complain about the cold, or like it for some reasons. But we always want to complain about how extreme our weather is, so it's in our nature to get information on how we can adapt to those changes. On here the weather has been changing from cold to hot, to windy days to dry air, even you can't expect to wear a sweater or not. I can't tell until I feel outside how is the weather.
People talk about weather, and then they talk about their topics in life. The problem with myself is that I can't usually find a proper comment to add to the conversation, so when I say something, it usually ends up in a random comment.
But then, cold windy days might get a little bit warmer on the next week, sure those changes on the weather are weird....
And I don't know what else to say, I'll guess I'll do more stories, seeing I'm just days ahead of New Year's Day, kinda worried and sad because I couldn't get to post more, but I guess I had fun :B
I was reminded about how many days we have left before this year ends. We're on December, so we're closer than in other months. This is the time where we usually think what are of us, where we are now, what things we have achieved, and where we are going to go next. Maybe those ideas come in an inappropriate moment, where we can't think of a better action to do.
You see, it's cold, you want to not want to go out of your bed, trying to get cozy with some chocolate or coffee, and sometimes your body can't do anything more than staying here, perhaps near a heater or near the fire of the chimney. And our mind may get a little sleepy, as we try not to, because we would lose our motivation to continue seeing anime or try to end a level, or finish 100 more lines of code, or doing all of the above. Pushing ourselves on those conditions is hard....
As we approach winter, we see people that likes to complain about the cold, or like it for some reasons. But we always want to complain about how extreme our weather is, so it's in our nature to get information on how we can adapt to those changes. On here the weather has been changing from cold to hot, to windy days to dry air, even you can't expect to wear a sweater or not. I can't tell until I feel outside how is the weather.
People talk about weather, and then they talk about their topics in life. The problem with myself is that I can't usually find a proper comment to add to the conversation, so when I say something, it usually ends up in a random comment.
But then, cold windy days might get a little bit warmer on the next week, sure those changes on the weather are weird....
And I don't know what else to say, I'll guess I'll do more stories, seeing I'm just days ahead of New Year's Day, kinda worried and sad because I couldn't get to post more, but I guess I had fun :B
Monday, November 11, 2013
Two Years Ago
"...,I was still afraid.
Afraid of what?
Afraid of remember bad moments on the past."
Even though my past is still childish and lacking of experience, it's kind of frightening to think I was still afraid of the things I once said I will overcome it. But still today I feel those sensations of fear. I can deal with it better, although a proper response of the past situation didn't get fully done. A missing part of some sort of events that turned me into the person I am now.
"Darn emotions that get hooked on the reason to tell us they have a meaning to be here with us." Because if nothing had happened, no emotion would come out, nor a feeling or memory can make us show a emotion. But that 'nothing' I refer means those events were shocking enough to have some emotion when the event is remembered. Then, when that emotion appears, I feel all dizzy; insecure I can handle all the feeling. Therefore, I try not to remember it, not to face it; not even trying to do those things related that can make me feel. Then, I am afraid....
Then what does this mean to have those unnecessary sensations...? I mean I can still handle it if my reason is strong enough to overcome it, but the sensations won't go away until something can make it go away, or maybe time. A good laugh I suppose, it's like a pressure in the chest, something in need to be liberated from oppression. They say a good laugh to help release the pressure of ourselves.
Was I afraid to express of who I am now? Do I still get that fear from people? I have that sensation, as if I feared people in a way I can’t even talk with them. Lack of confidence I think, but then, but then..., I can’t understand why I can feel the sensation of not doing the expected things. I wonder why my body acts like that....
If it was really a physical issue all the time, then, I should treat it like one, shouldn't I?
But, in order to really think there is a physical issue, I should expose myself to the most daring things in real life for me, and also online. So I can really know if there’s a clear problem about it. I want to find it out.
Still someone who can't fit into any category existing in this world, because of his seemingly lack of confidence, or his variety of likes that seems to be a notorious point of doubt....
A misfit, am I really of that kind? I'm supposed to be of the Nerd-Type, but others can be way above me, so I'm still low to reach it. But this is one of the things I'm going to post later.
Afraid of what?
Afraid of remember bad moments on the past."
Even though my past is still childish and lacking of experience, it's kind of frightening to think I was still afraid of the things I once said I will overcome it. But still today I feel those sensations of fear. I can deal with it better, although a proper response of the past situation didn't get fully done. A missing part of some sort of events that turned me into the person I am now.
"Darn emotions that get hooked on the reason to tell us they have a meaning to be here with us." Because if nothing had happened, no emotion would come out, nor a feeling or memory can make us show a emotion. But that 'nothing' I refer means those events were shocking enough to have some emotion when the event is remembered. Then, when that emotion appears, I feel all dizzy; insecure I can handle all the feeling. Therefore, I try not to remember it, not to face it; not even trying to do those things related that can make me feel. Then, I am afraid....
Then what does this mean to have those unnecessary sensations...? I mean I can still handle it if my reason is strong enough to overcome it, but the sensations won't go away until something can make it go away, or maybe time. A good laugh I suppose, it's like a pressure in the chest, something in need to be liberated from oppression. They say a good laugh to help release the pressure of ourselves.
Was I afraid to express of who I am now? Do I still get that fear from people? I have that sensation, as if I feared people in a way I can’t even talk with them. Lack of confidence I think, but then, but then..., I can’t understand why I can feel the sensation of not doing the expected things. I wonder why my body acts like that....
If it was really a physical issue all the time, then, I should treat it like one, shouldn't I?
But, in order to really think there is a physical issue, I should expose myself to the most daring things in real life for me, and also online. So I can really know if there’s a clear problem about it. I want to find it out.
Still someone who can't fit into any category existing in this world, because of his seemingly lack of confidence, or his variety of likes that seems to be a notorious point of doubt....
A misfit, am I really of that kind? I'm supposed to be of the Nerd-Type, but others can be way above me, so I'm still low to reach it. But this is one of the things I'm going to post later.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Fighting Anxiety - of Actions and Time
(This is an Introduction...? of, maybe a series of "Fighting Anxiety"?, I don't know and I'm sorry if I'm not having any specific Idea on this post, hope it's still on the same topic.)
Trying to make a specific statement of a problem is difficult, even more if I feel insecurity in me. Maybe I shouldn't make it a worrying problem, but maybe I should care about it. Those kinds of insecurity are making me feel anxious... oh.
Maybe because I don't fit in all points that state the symptoms of someone who is suffering from anxiety or social problems, maybe because I'm mostly hearing the same from my family, even if they may get it or know it, but they were NOT fully aware of my problem. I didn't want that to have it, neither do other people with the same problem.
But still I have to face it every day; so, "Fighting Anxiety": when it happens unexpectedly, how I try to evade it, how I try to deal with it.
I have written some Journal on my deviantart page, about what I've been struggling when I'm dealing with not being alone and around people at the same time.
Having a change in Motion has made most of my last thinking cut off in half, and thinking it outside the space I was, it made me like, care a little less than last time, and be comfortable with my own ideas. I know that's not gonna be.
I know also that depending on my mood, if I get a good sleep, eat well and else, causes of getting less/more anxious. If I sleep well and get my ideas in order, I'll get less anxious.
Last months I wanted to rush lots of things, but doing it so made me lose time. I still have problems dealing with time, and I can't get a proper range of time in which due dates are to be proposed. I know certain things take less or more time, but trying to deal with lots of things I'm lacking, I may have learned a lot of things, but it cost me struggling things and unwanted emotions, maybe the things I lack experiencing.
An now I know I can extend that range a little bit and act at a more calmed pace, at least on the things I want to learn, I want to do, I want to finish. And yeah, the evolution process I've been telling about is still on course, only that I need more time. No need to rush things you know. When the time and chance is proper, it will be done n__n
Well another post of today, see you around then.
Trying to make a specific statement of a problem is difficult, even more if I feel insecurity in me. Maybe I shouldn't make it a worrying problem, but maybe I should care about it. Those kinds of insecurity are making me feel anxious... oh.
Maybe because I don't fit in all points that state the symptoms of someone who is suffering from anxiety or social problems, maybe because I'm mostly hearing the same from my family, even if they may get it or know it, but they were NOT fully aware of my problem. I didn't want that to have it, neither do other people with the same problem.
But still I have to face it every day; so, "Fighting Anxiety": when it happens unexpectedly, how I try to evade it, how I try to deal with it.
Of Actions and Time
I have written some Journal on my deviantart page, about what I've been struggling when I'm dealing with not being alone and around people at the same time.
"I know, from the little experience I have, that people don't have good mood all the time, and maybe, they may won’t talk to you, or maybe they do, depending on what type of connection you have with the other person. It's kind of difficult to think that way."
"I can't deny that I like my moments alone, and I think most people do. Well, I know they are people that can talk and use social networks to the maximum level that means they can spend the time talking. Most of the people I know in person don't do this too often. Or that's what I want to believe, they mostly watch anime, play videogames, stay a little time reading, doing chores or spending time with brothers, some others might do a little less of all of that to maintain a user-Position like deviantart or tumblr or another place. And also our personal projects and school stuff to attend, so, we have things to do and this is one of them."
"We must take place on those things that are important to us and not feel like going more on something than other, just because comfort. It has to have meaning, and a certain time to do it."
Having a change in Motion has made most of my last thinking cut off in half, and thinking it outside the space I was, it made me like, care a little less than last time, and be comfortable with my own ideas. I know that's not gonna be.
I know also that depending on my mood, if I get a good sleep, eat well and else, causes of getting less/more anxious. If I sleep well and get my ideas in order, I'll get less anxious.
Last months I wanted to rush lots of things, but doing it so made me lose time. I still have problems dealing with time, and I can't get a proper range of time in which due dates are to be proposed. I know certain things take less or more time, but trying to deal with lots of things I'm lacking, I may have learned a lot of things, but it cost me struggling things and unwanted emotions, maybe the things I lack experiencing.
An now I know I can extend that range a little bit and act at a more calmed pace, at least on the things I want to learn, I want to do, I want to finish. And yeah, the evolution process I've been telling about is still on course, only that I need more time. No need to rush things you know. When the time and chance is proper, it will be done n__n
Well another post of today, see you around then.
Monday, July 29, 2013
On days you can’t sleep.
But you should anyway.
Those are the times my mind wanders a lot on my own ideas. I know I will regret listening to my mind, but I hope I can get some sleep if I let my mind in blank, and that is trying to write something.
I had my sad days, and my anxious days, but also I had nice and awesome days. Some people could say I could be a person that can change emotion easily, and for some reason, they are right. I change emotion easily, and also on small changes that were unexpected, those who surprise me and let me off the guard. My zone of comfort is quite limited, but it’s getting bigger, but on bigger areas, bigger responsibilities, bigger expectations.
When someone is expected to change new things comes, but people will react on those changes, even if you are still learning it. You can say you are a beginner, that you don’t know what to expect, but people will still react on certain action. It’s like the starter driver who practices on the road, with more experienced ones. Even if the flashing back lights says you are learning, other drivers won’t reduce their driving speed or they will give opportunity to them as if they were special.
I remember one time I was with some classmates and out of my mind I said something. The other person answered in a way, I got surprised. The words were “How can you say that coming from you?”, or “My, my, look who is saying that!”, or something related. By that time somehow I thought that comment was quite offending, but I could say I wasn't prepared for that answer. That’s one of the realizations that even if I can increase my expression, they will be others who willingly answer to that expression.
That’s why I haven’t done it on the first place, because of that feeling of not agreeing with me, or that slightly feeling of rejection or that people can’t agree with you on some things you feel that’s very important. But since I’m getting this blog to be on the go, and since a lot of events, I’m learning to comprehend more the people and its behaviors, and knowing what I can do and what not, I can only send and receive data from them, trying the best to understand what they really want to express. That’s the difficult thing of social communication. I don’t know if experts can explain what I just said.
Attention, that’s one of the things I want.
Affection, another thing I want.
Rejection, a thing I don’t want.
Loneliness, another thing I don’t want.
Maybe people like me are so egoist with us; we only want the things for ourselves and care less about others. When two get together, it’s a battle on which can expose its own ego to the other.
I was too shy to expose expression at that time, so the only way to achieve something was to get into someone’s synchronization and follow certain patterns, trying to learn something new. I am always reminded that eventually it will be the turn of me to make the contribution of the bond. I contribute a little, and they get disappointed.
Nobody knows exactly what would happen on others’ mind, and if the things they express are the ones that completely resemble that mind, we are making the best that happens.
It’s not that I want to get excluded from everyone, it’s just that the Near Ambiance has been on a Position of concentration on our own endurance, limiting lots of things including social outings and extension of friendships with going outs. I would like all of this can be known by at least more than 10 people, but I can expect less if my own expectation cannot overcome others’ expectations about this.
Erick: “But I’m still standing...”
Richie: “And then you have me.”
Erick: “Oh, you, I don’t know how you can handle all of this.”
Richie: “Do I have to explain why I can do that?”
Erick: “No, I know, you are me somehow.”
Richie: “Hehe, so, this time’s roleplay: how people can make your emotions tremble”
Erick: “My question is: how can people handle this”
Richie: “It’s quite simple, they just forget about it.”
Erick: “Hehehe, and I can’t forget most of the things.”
Richie: “You are always thinking and I understand, but you know you can regulate your knowledge level”
Erick: “I know I can, because it requires some energy and lots of determination”
Richie: “But remember that people needs to be told about things at their own level of understanding, equaling the level is the most proper one.”
Erick: “I feel like needing to understand things that may not be of higher level but I can’t understand is the weird thing”
Richie: “I may get why....”
Erick: “Because I’m thinking my own thoughts are of higher level”
Richie: “Oh....”
Erick: “I’m not thinking on simple things, and conversation are about random simple things. That’s why most people can do it.”
Richie: “You may be right...,”
Erick: “All those years trying to express myself and always talking on higher levels than all those children on Elementary School....”
Richie: “But still you had your own bright days”
Erick: “I know that was when I thought everything will be the same....”
Richie: “I don’t know the point of all this...!”
Erick: “Discovering myself again searching childhood, like I always do. Finding out I’m a lost undiscovered genius-type that is getting its power lost..., or I was just a Japanese-type in which discipline was my motto and also in my house, and that it’s getting also less powerful....”
Richie: “I could agree with the second....”
Erick: “But they should have found my case interesting anyway...”
(Sleep is coming so, see you later then.)
Those are the times my mind wanders a lot on my own ideas. I know I will regret listening to my mind, but I hope I can get some sleep if I let my mind in blank, and that is trying to write something.
I had my sad days, and my anxious days, but also I had nice and awesome days. Some people could say I could be a person that can change emotion easily, and for some reason, they are right. I change emotion easily, and also on small changes that were unexpected, those who surprise me and let me off the guard. My zone of comfort is quite limited, but it’s getting bigger, but on bigger areas, bigger responsibilities, bigger expectations.
When someone is expected to change new things comes, but people will react on those changes, even if you are still learning it. You can say you are a beginner, that you don’t know what to expect, but people will still react on certain action. It’s like the starter driver who practices on the road, with more experienced ones. Even if the flashing back lights says you are learning, other drivers won’t reduce their driving speed or they will give opportunity to them as if they were special.
I remember one time I was with some classmates and out of my mind I said something. The other person answered in a way, I got surprised. The words were “How can you say that coming from you?”, or “My, my, look who is saying that!”, or something related. By that time somehow I thought that comment was quite offending, but I could say I wasn't prepared for that answer. That’s one of the realizations that even if I can increase my expression, they will be others who willingly answer to that expression.
That’s why I haven’t done it on the first place, because of that feeling of not agreeing with me, or that slightly feeling of rejection or that people can’t agree with you on some things you feel that’s very important. But since I’m getting this blog to be on the go, and since a lot of events, I’m learning to comprehend more the people and its behaviors, and knowing what I can do and what not, I can only send and receive data from them, trying the best to understand what they really want to express. That’s the difficult thing of social communication. I don’t know if experts can explain what I just said.
Attention, that’s one of the things I want.
Affection, another thing I want.
Rejection, a thing I don’t want.
Loneliness, another thing I don’t want.
Maybe people like me are so egoist with us; we only want the things for ourselves and care less about others. When two get together, it’s a battle on which can expose its own ego to the other.
I was too shy to expose expression at that time, so the only way to achieve something was to get into someone’s synchronization and follow certain patterns, trying to learn something new. I am always reminded that eventually it will be the turn of me to make the contribution of the bond. I contribute a little, and they get disappointed.
Nobody knows exactly what would happen on others’ mind, and if the things they express are the ones that completely resemble that mind, we are making the best that happens.
It’s not that I want to get excluded from everyone, it’s just that the Near Ambiance has been on a Position of concentration on our own endurance, limiting lots of things including social outings and extension of friendships with going outs. I would like all of this can be known by at least more than 10 people, but I can expect less if my own expectation cannot overcome others’ expectations about this.
Erick: “But I’m still standing...”
Richie: “And then you have me.”
Erick: “Oh, you, I don’t know how you can handle all of this.”
Richie: “Do I have to explain why I can do that?”
Erick: “No, I know, you are me somehow.”
Richie: “Hehe, so, this time’s roleplay: how people can make your emotions tremble”
Erick: “My question is: how can people handle this”
Richie: “It’s quite simple, they just forget about it.”
Erick: “Hehehe, and I can’t forget most of the things.”
Richie: “You are always thinking and I understand, but you know you can regulate your knowledge level”
Erick: “I know I can, because it requires some energy and lots of determination”
Richie: “But remember that people needs to be told about things at their own level of understanding, equaling the level is the most proper one.”
Erick: “I feel like needing to understand things that may not be of higher level but I can’t understand is the weird thing”
Richie: “I may get why....”
Erick: “Because I’m thinking my own thoughts are of higher level”
Richie: “Oh....”
Erick: “I’m not thinking on simple things, and conversation are about random simple things. That’s why most people can do it.”
Richie: “You may be right...,”
Erick: “All those years trying to express myself and always talking on higher levels than all those children on Elementary School....”
Richie: “But still you had your own bright days”
Erick: “I know that was when I thought everything will be the same....”
Richie: “I don’t know the point of all this...!”
Erick: “Discovering myself again searching childhood, like I always do. Finding out I’m a lost undiscovered genius-type that is getting its power lost..., or I was just a Japanese-type in which discipline was my motto and also in my house, and that it’s getting also less powerful....”
Richie: “I could agree with the second....”
Erick: “But they should have found my case interesting anyway...”
(Sleep is coming so, see you later then.)
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Life changes as time passes
The inspiration of the mind as brought to me something very deep and at the same time very realistic to tell. It’s about how time can change the idea of people, of society, of the social groups, of general thinking, on so many topics that for some they can’t comprehend but for some other they can mostly know the general meaning of this.
I may be a general blog like some others, in which I may not distinguish my thinking and talking as being so general, or being as normal as people may think, or not being the right person society wants to see on new blogs, or that’s what I’m thinking. If I can’t decide the right path to follow and accept, is not because I can’t do it, is because I just can’t make a right justification to make it very clear to me, and to the others.
People would say: forget about others, think about yourself, see what’s right for you and how can you apply on your actual situation and if you dare to risk everything possible to change yourself. That’s a tough statement; I may have a slight idea of what I was developing in a long time, ending up in confusion, in a weird notion of making things worse than normal expectation.
Maybe I do confuse you because you may not see in which world I live (referring as the one we all live inside, our own planet). Unlike other peoples’ lives, my expectation in the place I get around most of the time, my house, isn't as powerful, as great, as strict as others, I may be fortunate about it, but that was not the same on other times. As a boy I would fear some of the rules and strict moments in which you felt you must do the right things, behave the way everyone’s behaving, understand all contents they tell you. And because I can captivate the data very well, all of what they told me was being real for me.
But there was a problem involving all this data and its application. I could see that all what they said was beautiful and enlightening enough to make a better living in ourselves, but at that time, I didn't see that they can apply the data in a perfect way. Ignoring some concepts and important realization of data, we were still living a normal life that cannot be expressed as a transcendental instance of my life.
When the “Great Change” occurred, my comprehension of what I was told was being corrupted in different ways I couldn't accept it all by once. All this saved data, I thought it could be applicable in future times, but then they weren't able to make it happen and, with all the changes, limitations of improvement and my final inhibition towards society, all of what I was thinking was losing its power, even though it didn't lost completely.
All the events that happened on the “Great Change” can have different points of view, depending in the position in which I am now. At other times, I could give a different meaning in order to achieve different goals in life. One of the most important ones was the transcendental meaning of life. How could be that someone like me wanted to achieve such an extreme difficult achievement? I wouldn't know. But one of the requirements to make progress on the goals was not to be shy, being talk-active, know what to say, know a lot about both sides of the social world, adapt to different situations made by them and make a good impression on their lives and their causes of progression.
Of course, it was too much of me in the position I was, but nevertheless the institution of the bases were established, so the moment I can make a good use of those bases, and succeed in a recursive way, I can obtain at least the minimum of what I wanted to obtain. Beat the addiction of over thought and repetitive actions that don’t lead to anywhere is some objective to obtain.
In short, I was there, I was ready to overpass the knowledge learned as a child, all those repetitive data obtained, and apply them in a very fashioned way, and with that getting one of the most desired things in life, and that was, a nice friendship that can share my interests in life and activities, regardless of anything else.
And people would ask: why didn't that happened? Simply because they all think that I’m just too innocent for them, because I may not understand the things they have understood at that time, because I didn't know things they knew already, because their level of data gathering and resources was way too higher than mine. They saw me and they just walked away....
It was obvious, it was very clear that I won’t obtain the right position a single boy would obtain at that time. But still I was still trying, and people didn't stop me, people didn't tell me, people didn't warn me, that it wasn't the right place for me, not because I wouldn't achieve it on time, because I was only another person on another institution, and little they knew what I was feeling at that time, little they knew the consequences of what was happening.
Little they know now who I actually am and that’s the worst part. But I didn't know another thing, because I was stuck, I was stuck in my studies and I was stuck that I couldn't separate the comfortable event of a daily routine. At the end, nothing mattered anymore.
Little they ask what was of little me after all of those events. They know that I have certain relation and that I was a very reserved boy, but nothing else mattered. They didn't ask if I have the things they have. They could have assumed I am, even if I didn't show it as everyone else. That really sucked....
With a lot of social experience gained, they can apply a very adaptive situation of conversation in which I can fit but the ones who will take over the conversation will be them.
And still my social interaction will be as weird as the first time, and it was extremely difficult to break through some barriers that forced me to not be me, to save myself from that extreme world I was. I know that I could be on another place and the “Great Change” wouldn't happen. I may live an easier experience and stared with some advantage. Of course my life would be a little rougher and my level wouldn't be so great (or that’s what I could think but maybe not), but at least I wouldn't fear lots of things I had.
And even if that could happen, I wouldn't assure my position of the Ambiance I most live, my house. The living things and all the weird situations, all what I’m telling know, the position I am know. All the things.... I don’t know what would happen. But still, I don’t know why.
I don’t know why I’m telling all of this. Other people’s blogs have a better understanding of themselves and they have accept themselves as they are know, and made a better realization of what to follow and what to expect from their actions. And because of that people have more attraction to follow them. And after 2 years, my only goal was overcoming shyness and be more open to myself, talking about things I know (and maybe thing that people would show me), not accepting myself who I am, not accepting the events happened, even though they showed me how to deal with it, in an intent of not thinking with those books they would cover their errors..., nothing to worry about I guess....
With my immersion as a User of Internet, most of my ideas were slowly changing. The only thing I would ask all of you is: what I was doing wrong all these time. Maybe you can’t answer me, because you may not know me enough to say it. You may want to ask and see what’s wrong. I just want to see if I could have a chance to meet someone again without destroying who I am right now, at the moment of another change.
I would like to continue, but I saw that was a very long post. Make this a gift for all the posts I haven’t made after a long time....
I may be a general blog like some others, in which I may not distinguish my thinking and talking as being so general, or being as normal as people may think, or not being the right person society wants to see on new blogs, or that’s what I’m thinking. If I can’t decide the right path to follow and accept, is not because I can’t do it, is because I just can’t make a right justification to make it very clear to me, and to the others.
People would say: forget about others, think about yourself, see what’s right for you and how can you apply on your actual situation and if you dare to risk everything possible to change yourself. That’s a tough statement; I may have a slight idea of what I was developing in a long time, ending up in confusion, in a weird notion of making things worse than normal expectation.
Maybe I do confuse you because you may not see in which world I live (referring as the one we all live inside, our own planet). Unlike other peoples’ lives, my expectation in the place I get around most of the time, my house, isn't as powerful, as great, as strict as others, I may be fortunate about it, but that was not the same on other times. As a boy I would fear some of the rules and strict moments in which you felt you must do the right things, behave the way everyone’s behaving, understand all contents they tell you. And because I can captivate the data very well, all of what they told me was being real for me.
But there was a problem involving all this data and its application. I could see that all what they said was beautiful and enlightening enough to make a better living in ourselves, but at that time, I didn't see that they can apply the data in a perfect way. Ignoring some concepts and important realization of data, we were still living a normal life that cannot be expressed as a transcendental instance of my life.
When the “Great Change” occurred, my comprehension of what I was told was being corrupted in different ways I couldn't accept it all by once. All this saved data, I thought it could be applicable in future times, but then they weren't able to make it happen and, with all the changes, limitations of improvement and my final inhibition towards society, all of what I was thinking was losing its power, even though it didn't lost completely.
All the events that happened on the “Great Change” can have different points of view, depending in the position in which I am now. At other times, I could give a different meaning in order to achieve different goals in life. One of the most important ones was the transcendental meaning of life. How could be that someone like me wanted to achieve such an extreme difficult achievement? I wouldn't know. But one of the requirements to make progress on the goals was not to be shy, being talk-active, know what to say, know a lot about both sides of the social world, adapt to different situations made by them and make a good impression on their lives and their causes of progression.
Of course, it was too much of me in the position I was, but nevertheless the institution of the bases were established, so the moment I can make a good use of those bases, and succeed in a recursive way, I can obtain at least the minimum of what I wanted to obtain. Beat the addiction of over thought and repetitive actions that don’t lead to anywhere is some objective to obtain.
In short, I was there, I was ready to overpass the knowledge learned as a child, all those repetitive data obtained, and apply them in a very fashioned way, and with that getting one of the most desired things in life, and that was, a nice friendship that can share my interests in life and activities, regardless of anything else.
And people would ask: why didn't that happened? Simply because they all think that I’m just too innocent for them, because I may not understand the things they have understood at that time, because I didn't know things they knew already, because their level of data gathering and resources was way too higher than mine. They saw me and they just walked away....
It was obvious, it was very clear that I won’t obtain the right position a single boy would obtain at that time. But still I was still trying, and people didn't stop me, people didn't tell me, people didn't warn me, that it wasn't the right place for me, not because I wouldn't achieve it on time, because I was only another person on another institution, and little they knew what I was feeling at that time, little they knew the consequences of what was happening.
Little they know now who I actually am and that’s the worst part. But I didn't know another thing, because I was stuck, I was stuck in my studies and I was stuck that I couldn't separate the comfortable event of a daily routine. At the end, nothing mattered anymore.
Little they ask what was of little me after all of those events. They know that I have certain relation and that I was a very reserved boy, but nothing else mattered. They didn't ask if I have the things they have. They could have assumed I am, even if I didn't show it as everyone else. That really sucked....
With a lot of social experience gained, they can apply a very adaptive situation of conversation in which I can fit but the ones who will take over the conversation will be them.
And still my social interaction will be as weird as the first time, and it was extremely difficult to break through some barriers that forced me to not be me, to save myself from that extreme world I was. I know that I could be on another place and the “Great Change” wouldn't happen. I may live an easier experience and stared with some advantage. Of course my life would be a little rougher and my level wouldn't be so great (or that’s what I could think but maybe not), but at least I wouldn't fear lots of things I had.
And even if that could happen, I wouldn't assure my position of the Ambiance I most live, my house. The living things and all the weird situations, all what I’m telling know, the position I am know. All the things.... I don’t know what would happen. But still, I don’t know why.
I don’t know why I’m telling all of this. Other people’s blogs have a better understanding of themselves and they have accept themselves as they are know, and made a better realization of what to follow and what to expect from their actions. And because of that people have more attraction to follow them. And after 2 years, my only goal was overcoming shyness and be more open to myself, talking about things I know (and maybe thing that people would show me), not accepting myself who I am, not accepting the events happened, even though they showed me how to deal with it, in an intent of not thinking with those books they would cover their errors..., nothing to worry about I guess....
With my immersion as a User of Internet, most of my ideas were slowly changing. The only thing I would ask all of you is: what I was doing wrong all these time. Maybe you can’t answer me, because you may not know me enough to say it. You may want to ask and see what’s wrong. I just want to see if I could have a chance to meet someone again without destroying who I am right now, at the moment of another change.
I would like to continue, but I saw that was a very long post. Make this a gift for all the posts I haven’t made after a long time....
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Hey, you seem too quiet...
[Some post I should have done before....]
That’s what people say when they first know me. When that happens they know I’m not a talk-active person, and then their beliefs about me start to get concrete. I don’t know how their methods of meeting people, but saying that is just because they want to know you, but what if you don’t know what to say...?
I don’t usually meet people all the time, and when someone occasionally presents me to another person, I don’t know what to say to him/her, or how to get the attention if that’s what I want to do. I have a certain good luck on finding the right ones, but maybe that isn't as lucky as it seems. I don’t know how to express it, but..., when I see that people talks about normal things usually the other has the right topic that can follow the conversation’s flow. It’s like feeling ignorant on those topics they know, as if I had to know all they talk.
They usually talk about things I don’t usually know, maybe I don’t have the luck of find the right ones, or I only get to know the ones they are near my space of action. Because I don’t know what they are talking, I’m usually left behind and they just follow their conversation. I just listen, and if the ambiance is good enough, then I’m fine.
I’m not also the one who talks a lot, because I don’t know fully how they still repeat the information at a certain point of their lives or they relate the same information but to other events or to other people. Making new relations like that is news for people. Even if they hear the same info, if they relate it to others, that’s news.
There is a possibility of talk match, and when that happens, the conversation gets fluent and the relation gets stronger by each meeting. I know how it feels, and I know how it feels otherwise. By each try I usually fail, but still I’m trying. Sometimes it’s a success, sometimes it’s a kind of disappointment. But I think that’s how life it is.
I do have my experiences, even if they are a few, even if they are not compared to other’s experience. Only it’s about being interested on the other person and being firm on the real thing about the conversation.
I get curious when they say: why you quiet? And yeah, I’m kind of quiet. Maybe it’s not my strength talking; I just want to do activities and sharing with others. I’m usually the one who listens, and I like it. I’m not the one who gives, but of course it didn't go well all of the times, because others want to receive. People like receiving information, people like giving information.
Tired at receiving, I started to give. And that’s why all of this has been done. My blogs, my drawings, my expressive ideas. But it’s only a matter of time to specify to who I’ll be glad to give.
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