It's been a long time since I tried to write something. With all my activities I have to deal with, scheduling time has been more difficult than ever. Not to say I can't deal it fully, it's just that my normal status in which my position is into right now is struggling. All the shyness/anxiety and stuff that might happen once in a while is keeping my mind from focusing..
I'm really surprised all the time passed since January of this year, and we're almost half September. It's kinda crazy. If something is for sure I'm making more drawings than last year, I've been feeling like plugged out of everything. Society, Internet, interactions, mostly everything. I'm only getting sustain from what I do, and from what I can maintain at the moment. Lots of things happening on my head and lots of things that I'll need to do.
Meanwhile, I still get lots of data and signals that can be useful for me to do. I don't know why I'm feeling like I can't do everything though. But for the sake of evolution and goals, it's needed.
And also I feel like I can't place a lot into one single position. I've been doing so but it's an unstable thing to do. There are lots of ideas and beliefs from everyone to be considered, and it seems that I can't handle all of those. Why it seems like it has been that way? Maybe because it was intended to be that way, maybe because all the stuff done was so comfortable the moment a variation was done crashed away my expectations again. Maybe because I've been struggling more than ever to be myself.
I don't like it. I do things, I live quite a normal life. I kinda follow things others do, because I think they're cool doing it. The real question is why I can't blend it as part of myself...?
What it seems to be worse is that people won't notice it. And I don't want them to know what I feel about hanging out with them, I might be worrying them a lot. It's not that I can tell it to everyone, it's not that they are interested on hear it.
There are some things that I have to make sure that's what I think as for now. I have to make some criteria of the world and the society I live in.
All the world, and the developing story comes around that, about a boy that swiftly evades reality, society, just because my ambiance with my family can apply this. They know though they can't get me hanging for a lot more time, that I'll have to break and follow my own convictions, not putting aside reality, which seems like wanting to take it from me. I've seen a lot for not noticing that.
Other people around it seems to be trained to receive lots of harsh things and not care nonetheless, that's how normal people around here are used to be. It's all about being direct and reckless, knowing that's the way they behave to each other, and seems to like it too. Of course I've been redirected a lot of times, and because of the same motion (because I had no other choice) I resisted the picks on me. However, I don't know if it's because I really don't like it, but my whole self is feeling all the adversity through their words. It's his defense they apply to make me feel down sometimes.
And still I get it, it's just a joke, they really not being serious at times, but why I can't bear all of this data received...? Not even Internet data is possible somehow, it's has been a problem. Because if I can't express myself, or if I can't evolve that part of myself, I'll have to continue enduring all what it comes from me, and what it has to be the best, is to defend myself the best way I can, by the means of talking, and by the means of facts.
I still think people want to reach into me which I clearly refused to, I still think people would see me as shy or not a very friendly guy at times, because of me not being able to talk. Or because of me not even been able to prove myself, nor even feel the need to do something more than doing the best I know, which also it's a doubting thing in progress.
Developing and programming has been harsh, not being able to follow things and organize has been hard to me, I don't know how others can manage to do that. They would think it's unnecessary but for me it is.
And feeling like the tools I use to develop are slowing around so it has been more difficult to progress the way want to do. I want to learn, and get info the fastest, I know my mind can follow through more quickly than the computer, but it has to follow my pace in order to make the knowledge productive.
It was long the wait, and haven't been so amused by all the signals and wordings, but onw thing is for sure is, in order to resume fully I'll have to depend mostly on myself, and deal any disruptive motion that comes over my head, for the sake of still learning and find out what things are better to maintain, and what things are better leave off for the good of my emotional health.
And, motivated to create more and variated stuff to show others and give support too.
Being myself has to be in the end the best thing I can desire more than ever, because that's when people really gonna notice how special you are.
I would be dumb to think to wish things to be different, but it doesn't have to, as long as you have the mind to think about how to make things a little different, to see new perspectives and handle /respect of of it, and of course let people know what you want, how do you feel, and for the special ones, how special they are.
I know I'll need to improve, so recover old things I used to do is gonna help me. Because I know I can do it better than last time. It's really gonna help me. So hope I can handle this and with the new progress material and resources I can be better.
We can do it for sure. We'll keep it going, even with a fake smile or a fake fall-down, but sure we can stand up whatever we needed.
