In the same creativity line

     I felt like writing on this blog again, even though I updated  my username status to CosmicNerdBoy, the little astronaut lost between cosmical signals of light. Now that the position of Motion has a more reliable and specific path and a proper direction. I felt more than excited to follow through that path and start placing creativity more seriously.
     It has been, though, demanding for me to really schedule all that stuff and time to really make some of my creations to shine and to share what I can place to show to people and stuff. Things like work and not being able to decide on a path are sure obstacles that I tried to face off last year. I came up in good conditions, ending up in a level up evolution that would help me better forsee the situation ahead for this year to come.
     Looking more for people, creative people, people that made an effort to show themselves, people that keep it up everyday despite their own obstacles, I understood the importance to place foot when facing them. Even if they can be kind and friendly, they all have that rush and aggressive power to respond towards creative motion and elements that would say we made something productive today.
     They won't stop, and they shouldn't be doing so. Even when  you talk to them and don't respond, one clear thing is they have using their time creating, imaging, thinking in galaxies and practicing their next act or performance. And they will show it up eventually, in a form of meteor, cosmical form of great power. Among the stars, the moon and their cosmic particles. A meteor is strong of force and speed. They can't overcome the light power of the stars, but their movement and trajectory makes them kinda unpredictable to maneuver. They can appear everywhere, and they can impact in places not known to central.
     That's why we were prepared to face that, maybe towards something one can feel adapted to show off, by creating and sharing, by learning new techniques, and by knowing what to do and how much time we have for it.
    This last thing, time, is one to be used wisely, carefully. No one can know what things can happen after this time, after the here and now. One needs to know their possibilities, their options, their alternates, and the renovations, in order to know what to do on those situations, without losing conviction and will to keep creating. Know what to do on the right situation and retribution will come.
     All of this I learned from talking and get to know creative people the last year, how they interact and how they show their power to shine. They would say, what you get quantitatively towards your creations aren't as much important. But at the end of the year they show off those values as retributions, maybe to see they have strength of conviction to get to meet more people. Whatever they show up on their accounts might not be of relative, but at least it's good to know that kind of value, despite having to face that, risking that it might be so overwhelming. If you use it at your benefit it can be of good parameter for your own creations. Therefore, knowing more creative people, talking to them or not, will  help us to achieve our own goals. And if any doubt, they will notice it by what we do.
      With that said, let's start 2018 with good energy. I might have been backtracking a lot of stuff but this time I can boost up my numbers to really be up to date with everything :B

My best friend from high school is gay

Wow, I was thinking about writing this post, but now that I wrote the right title, I didn't realize until now I really wrote it.

"Gay", that is a word, commonly used to boys who like other boys. And wow, again, I really feel like talking about this topic.

There is a point where I would feel I wouldn't get the gay definition unto full, like, if I were one I wouldn't have been daring to call me that way ,but now I think it's just about realizing who you are and the denotation that will blend eventually.

I still have doubts, but it seems more settled than before, but before I talk about myself, let me talk about the purpose of this post.

In high school, I was having lots of trouble being myself, lots and lots of trouble, and the ambiance wasn't helping a lot. You get to meet people that are way high the expectations from you. There was simply no competition on either to really socialize,  I was feeling left down much of times, and it was kinda difficult to understand them and for me how to really make people tell I'm their friend.

It was one year completely that I was failing on that, and even though recess was something that might help, it didn't make much difference. People have known me and know who I am so I thought I wouldn't make some difference if I try.

That changed, 2 year of High School, where I entered a group of people whose common thing was the thing the school were expecting all young people like us to do. It was a Catholic school so, young groups are nice to have it seems. Not going to go further on that either.

That's where I met a boy, he was nice and caring, he was on the same year, different group, and eventually he was the the one I hang out with few others at recess. He has more friends, way better than I am, but still have time to hang out with them too. I really didn't expected that kind of friendship but it was a good one. Soon after we share lots of things that happen and of course eventually doing most of the same things at school. He was fan of Disney and all about Disney. I love how the fascination of that and also for Harry Potter and other stuff. Of course I wasn't with him all the time but I would seek out with other classmates who share to me the same stuff. It was weird how everything happened....

Not soon after I was invited to his house, some of his parties, eventually going out to the last party at graduation at other party where it was kinda awesome because it was just the time of summer, the night went by so quickly....

And then university, he was at the same university as mine, on another design career, but soon left, he got another path where I didn't know what would happen and stuff. Eventually we were taking our own paths, talking from time to time, even trying to go to those parties he was doing again. 

I remember once that they were doing generation post party reunion and only a very few came in. I remember trying my best to talk to him, but seems I wasn't that much to go with their conversations. Still it was something to share. Now that I understand most things and feel more confident on myself, I know I can do something better.

Then one day he was clearly posting posts about equality and same-sex rights, news and other curious stuff. It was subtle, yet up to the point. I know there was one classmate who was eventually come out gay. He was one that was friends with my friend but he wasn't as kind to me as I would expect. He would often go to the school's psychologist, wouldn't know what for. But then I would expect it was on that matter. 

Now, the moment I would see this I kinda imagine the support that I would feel from him about all those things, even though we had done all those things people at school expected us to do. Even adults there were telling us how good and kind we are for doing that. It was some kind of satisfaction that we didn't feel like change or stuff.

But then a year ago, when dreadful events happened, he showed a courageous self to support even more the cause, eventually saying on one of his phrases, 'I am Gay'

That was the moment I felt a lot of emotions inside, not as other people as for now, because by then I knew more gay guys around that would share experiences about it, me being the least experienced. Knowing that, seeing that expressed from the one that spent most high school around, was brave enough to come out and, despite all the past done, to shine even more on that new path he was going to face.

From that moment I feel, that I would have another support from I can take to to really follow this path, even though I need more steps to go through. 

You see, he has lots of points that surely would make him fit to be the one that proclaimed that time. Good looking and soft heart, loving of Disney and arts and musicals, friends who are also on art and friends who that he talked to from the beginning, supporting classmates and lots of experience on how to give and share. 

Even though I couldn't share most of those stuff, his company was enough to make me feel safe, and grasping to that idea, I thought that would be the perfect time to do something for myself and finally define myself, with the help of him and other people. I'll sure step even further into future.

This is the moment where I post 10 random reasons why I hiatus this blog for more than 180 days.

I'll be quick on this:

1. I'm struggling depression more than ever. This may be something I didn't want to admit, because I wasn't sure about it. But the more I put my effort over bumps and doors, the more I feel the burnout and the harsh feelings I get when thinking a lot. I hate that from happening, maybe it's a signal I should slow down a bit, or maybe be more organized. Somehow I"m trying to settle things down before I continue.
2. I  get to engrossed into watching streams rather than going into the creative process. I guess that's how I was coping with my emotions. That would calm my nerves an feel I was part of something.
3. Social interactions was hard to manage, because there was not a single time where all could have talked to me first and started a conversation. I don't know if that could have been overwhelming, but then I try to reach people in a hard way I could fin my own way to communicate, I feel I made a progress, but I feel I could go for more.
4. Time and time, even though I was able to manage it regardless, somehow there was something I was starting to miss every time I wanted to do something. Again schedule is on the way.
5. Drawings, and drawings again, and thinking the possibility to make the perfect drawing to explain a force of expression that shows something wonderful.
6. People again, not receiving feedback on what I do, it's hard to make something without feedback, feel like there is no motivation to continue, but still I like drawing and I hope to continue even still things get rough, 10-20 minutes a day would suffice.
7. Thoughts of life, again, what orientation I would give this time to this blog, I've always wonder if I could place more meaningful and fun stuff over here.
8. Finding new things to get stories and lots of neat stuff to share, because sharing is a nice way to start a conversation.
9. Becoming a better person, and therefore try to put my motivation to people so they can go with the issues of their life too.
10. Because I know I don't want to let 2017 be a postless year, I will try to put all my emotions into central so that I can share in a better way and with all the force possible. Because that is what I like too.

I hope this explains why I need some space, well it's not that I was alone all the time not that I left other space, hope I can make good use to it :3

Social anxiety - what people can't see

Hello, this is me again. Trying to put more posts while this years end. I'll keep more effort on it.

So, social anxiety, after all these years, do I still have it...? I can say it has been a long battle, for me, because of the ambiance I'm living and the lack of resources that I'm increasingly getting along all that time. Sometimes I search for people to get inspiration from, but somehow I got stuck looking for local people, ant at my own ambiance where activities happen, they seem not to care a lot about it. While people are happily doing what the usually do, I have that sensation of  me going for something more. I don't know if that's what they felt like doing because there was nothing more to do, or maybe because they weren't feeling like prepared to go for it.
I know it's hard that I keep things up for myself, but when I know there are things I can achieve and when I know I can go for more, what I need is to really go for a great search adventure in which, I can really talk to all of the people I know. And in order to do that, I need to really overcome my anxiety, and start talking.
Before all of this blogging and drawing, putting comments on other people was difficult to me. I don't know really what I was really afraid of, I was thinking that I couldn't handle the position of maintaining the comment on the other person as my own. I was feeling insecure about it. Now I felt like not caring much about it, more on that I feel confident my words are for my own and I can keep a handle of what I'm saying, despite what other people would say.
Maybe the base of what I do is supportive friends online on which I talked to, that maybe that support made me feel more like myself. But there is another thing I felt that was helpful: I was more confident at myself that, even if I feel can't have any friend to rely on, I realize that showing that confidence I can put a form of security that, I can be friends with other people. It's just a matter now, of searching a little bit more, and put trust to the people I see it's good to put on.
I know people would give their time to build new things, or at least to form a new strategy that can really last, lets hope that happens.
But also, I want to revitalize those old friendships that were left behind, to really make sure I'm still here and that I'm making my effort to get out of my mind and talk to them. That's what people has to see from me, that's what people has to understand from me. That even with my anxiety of talking and explaining and stuff, I'm still making the effort, and people hopefully will see that effort.
There is the time where I struggle talking, even more now, I don't know why, it just happens, they seem not to understand or put it clear. But when they see, some people would like to point it out, and those are the people I want to rely on, to help me be better person.
Those people who wants me to be that and the people who I can rely on to learn more stuff are the people I really want to hang out with. People that can unleash my full potential and people that put me challenges that I can face to really see what life is about.
I'm struggling at the place I am right now, but I'm putting my effort to search for something better. And when I settle up my search a little, I can go for something more. I hope everyone can follow me and keep it up on this adventure, A Nerd's Adventure to beating my social anxiety, what people can't see.

The Standing Position and Backtrack for username StndNerdBoy11

Hello so, let's see if I can do this right. I've made a list of several topics that I can talk about, and put a randomiser over them. So the first thing that it appears it will be the topic I will be talking about, it might be the same or similar things but the thing is when I see the topic I won't look at something else and focus on write for that topic. Curious enough the one I was thinking the most today appeared first to be the topic of today.

So yeah let's start.

    There has been several posts that I stated that my position for my username was so important I would do anything to keep it up for it. And up to this moment I still keep it with myself, it's not that I haven't changed my mind or anything, because some of the parts composing my username (StndNerdBoy11) has some meaning for me that it makes me think that I was actually that kind of person, maybe with the objective to improve myself but with the feeling of keep being who I am.

     Now there is this idea of renovation of username, maybe as part of my broken evolution which people would think it's like Pokemon, let grow up some experience and pum!, in an instant they will evolve. When I realize my evolution will be taking a long time, I just simply let things happen. I don't want to rush evolution itself until I'm ready to face the consequences of the changing things I'm gonna do after that. 

     One of the main reasons I haven't done that is because I would change lots of stuff in the username, like user pages for example deviantArt and twitter, but looking it well and in the type of user I am I could actually change those usernames to the new ones. E-mail wouldn't matter much as I could create another one and send data to other forms, what I could not changye is the use of my username by other people, mostly comments and mentions. Though I don't have much of them it wouldn't be hard to make that change if I wanted too. Other medium I can't replicate easily would count too.

     Another good reasons to not change my username is because of attachment to the stance. It's been a long time since this username is with me, and adding up to that the generalization of the username that came with it. Even if I can send those same principles to the new username, I would corrupt and distress the form of this username that was with me a long time. It has been like a form of recognition and a traveled path along those years, so if something goes wrong I might lose track of historical position on the internet. Like having to remind that time where I wrote this first post, when shyness was still around myself. 

     But the thing is having this username might not be useful in the end, if I want to progress more in my life. I have been looking for new ideas for usernames, some that fit my personality and give uniqueness to my own position. StndNerdBoy11 goes for Standard Nerd Boy, a type of nerd that goes for good measure as in motion life but clumsy on other situations. I got a pesterchum (Homestuck handle), which is clumsyCalculator, kinda long too. I could search for names that can be pronounced short and easy to memorize or remember, as long as it's not taken by other one and can be used on most web apps and services.

     The question is, why a new username? Well I know people that has two usernames, one for its position of person/user, another for its position of entity, creation or form of expression without any emotional thought.

Maybe this time for the time being it can happen this way: establish a form of new worlds and hobbies that make the action shine that a username can come from it, one in form of username another in form of entity.

So I'll keep searching but I'll have the motivation and conviction up to the end of the year, I'll get a new username :3

My post while traffic is on the way

I need  to save this before doing something else, hehe. And hello I'm trying to see if we can do at least one post a day. It might be kinda difficult but I'm trying to get the idea of going with the flow of the thought, and keep on going with the writing,Saving each time to not lose progress hehe.

As I can see, there are lots of stuff going on that needs to be maintained, and need the right schedule to do each of them. Not going for everything but a little bit of, so it can be of best use possible. That's one of the main goals to set on.

So let's see how creativity goes as we still go on  :3