Awkward Moment – Failure at Conversation

This is a blog post for an event story.

     I’m having issues, strong issues, about how to handle the reacts of people when I say something I want for myself. There’s something I have to deal with, but that something comes rarely in my life. I feel like needing to have more chances of talking with new people, so I can deal with the ones I can’t feel comfortable with them.

     You know, when meeting people, I feel like not being interested, and maybe I have this issue of not showing interest on people at all. It is because I don’t know who I am going to talk the most of the time. I’m not of the normal people who go to parties and related things; I have certain interests like playing videogames and computers and programming. I feel like not needing to talk about something else.

     Yesterday was weird because of a certain moment I had to deal when being in a closed space with another person. Imagine you in a car with some other people you don’t know. What would you do? I felt very shy at that moment. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t have any interesting thing to say to him because I could know in his face what I do isn’t interesting to him. But I feel that at those moments there, I felt weird being quiet, where I was supposed to talk something useful.

     Today was getting a little bit worse, how can I suppose to talk about my needs when I can’t feel the trust on the people I need to talk to? Imagine this time you cannot move, you feel stuck in a wave of ideas, most of it nonsense. You don’t want to face something you don’t want. And people seem to not understand your ramblings about evading actions because you need to attend other activities and you feel awful and confused.

I should finish this post somehow so I leave it here for now.

Or maybe continuing it in another post.

Something Lefty

Just a contribution post acknowledging one day were Left-handed people are celebrated. I wonder how they really came to celebrate that.
I knew I could write with my left hand, while my brothers and parents with the right hand. I didn't remember a time when they would teach me to write with the right hand. I just knew I have this kind of skill, if I could say so.  People indeed got marveled about my condition of left-handed. And telling the truth, I didn't think I could have a problem using scissors or other things supposedly designed for right-handed people. I just got accustomed to use it.
The moment I knew there was indeed a difference on how things are important because of the design for the hands of people, was that episode of the Simpson where they have a shop for left-handed people. When I saw that entire episode I asked myself if there is indeed objects designed for left-handed people, and if a difference is high on using it instead of the normal objects.
I don’t know if feel special about it, is it special? Does really people want to get reminded about a world of minds whose way of think could be upside-down the normal people would think? Who can get the reality of the ones who are left? I wonder if people could meet each other only because they want to see some people writing with their left-hand at great perfection.  My writing isn’t as good as everyone would think, I can’t properly get the pencil well, and when I write I usually get dirt on the side of the hand, where I place it to rest, I know it isn’t the right way.... If people consider left-handed people as special, if someone could see me write with the left hand, I could be lucky of having a new friend, because they would consider me special....
Well, in this whole point of the left-handed awareness is the same as everyone else’s awareness,  so that they know we exist and that we have a day and that they may do other things normal people won’t do, or that normal people do it better, and because of attention. I know.
I get good results on writing, and drawing with my left-hand, so I still need more practice hehe :3

Random Post of the Month

Misunderstanding of People
This is a little bit of a strange situation that is being controlled by the Objective Motion of the Attributive Values of this blog, the one who makes those posts, the Attribution of Erick Medina and all what he lives, in a effort to show you how things are going on. I don’t know why this introduction.
Before I lose it....

Starting August, and Digimon

    I didn't thought this day would be amazing and very special for me. First because I get another year done on Deviantart.com, but I started activities at early 2012 >///<

    But then this day is special too. It's supposed that Digimon Adventure started this day, when 8 kids from a certain area in Japan had the experience of their lives.  The first 7 went on a weekend camping, noticing a mysterious force that took them to the digital world. Then, meeting those creatures who befriend then and  lived numerous adventures.

    I don't know if I can make a proper post about it, but I'll give it a try.

    Why I love digimon? There's a story behind it. I don't know how much of you  know Fox 6 Saturday Mornings, it was at that time Pokemon and Digimon appeared, maybe at different times, but it has the kinda same animation poses that a kid would love. Of course it was anime.

    Digimon, or Digital Monsters, of course it has a ending similitude in their words with Pokemon, different creatures hehe. The story tale is that it exist a world called the Digital World, some kind of wide area that reside on Internet servers around the world. Strange things happen on the Earth and it's up to a group of children to save it from facing disastrous events.

    The main focus of my blog post is my experience on seeing those chapters, specially the first season called Digimon Adventure. When I first saw it, it was kinda nice, because it has that special feature that is battling and being stronger. In that case, the Digimon has some phases of evolution in which they obtain more power to overcome the enemy. I saw the English ver. first and I could only understand little words in English so I didn’t put attention to the story fully.

    Then I made a second official run of Digimon recently, years ago, this time Japanese ver. All that deep meaning and strong emotions made every episode has a little bit of emotional me on the go, crying on every emotional scene, especially on later episodes, where they fight for things, they have its issues with their families, and then at the very last episodes with their strong will to stand by themselves and continue the fight.

    I can have the time to watch it again because of the digital thing (I like that), and because it would be nice to revive the emotions again.

    Ok, my little post of today, I hope to make a new thing: Drawing of the Day, I don’t know if put it here, but I can show it later here, or at least were I am going to post it. It will not be digital drawing, only pencil drawing, so I can be fast on that. Later on the month I’ll choose which ones I’ll make it digital.

See you then. :D

Last day of the month and...

...I feel as if I didn't achieve anything....

    Or that’s what I’m feeling right now. Excuse me if I ever try to understand my writing inside my feelings of confusion. I can’t say depression, or frustration, or happiness, not even the neutral one. It’s only confusion and misunderstanding of myself.

    It’s only that, I don’t know, why do I have to explain anything that happens to me!? Or why people can achieve a level of attention higher than mine? My state of feelings right now is misleading me into being uncategorized among all categories of social life. Feeling like I don’t belong, or feeling like I might belong to something but it’s only half, or I only express half or they can only accept me half.

    If I ever try to comprehend myself, I only think lots of things to cover the reality of myself, and the worst thing is that my ambiance and what people expects of me makes the situation worse than it is. People seem to expect less than I can really do, only because I don’t talk a lot. My feelings right now can express the loathing of my shyness and my lack of skills, and all the time lost in space. I was lost in space and nobody cared about it, I was alone with the stars, and people only wished upon our trajectories.

    Music is some limit I’m making so that this post can’t say worst things, I won’t say it but my feelings of the deep may spell it out of it, they won’t reach here, I have based motions, I have to be strong.

    It’s only because of YOU that I’m doing all of this, it seems that shyness is so common, it’s not rare, but maybe because it’s not as much talked as other uncommon things....

    Writing is flushing easily my ideas and it makes me think slowly, if I speed up my thoughts I would reach more deep and negative feelings, and I only make things worse. Only my friends from inside my mind have the ability to stop me....

    Even if I said everything, nothing would change, that’s what my feelings are expressing, but even in my own deviation of center of emotion, I can make a static synchronized function in which it can call an instance of my objective motion, and it would respond, that everything and nothing, direct connotations, are only restricted towards a specific set of information. It could be everything I said about myself, or about my problems (which it’s a lie), or about my effort in life. And nothing can be: nothing of my proposals of life about my fight against shyness, against being left behind in conversation, about not understanding social status of parties and other related(which nevertheless I can “extreme dislike” it...). I only wanted to play video games and I wonder how people COULDN'T understand it. Yeah, yeah my “not rather casual” clothing and my physical appearance weren't enough to convince them. That’s a lie too, this time from them.

    My social feelings can speed up if I can reach certain people’s scores about certain game, in which he may not reach it again, because it may not do it again... The classmate who can do it was beside me, near the list of students, it was awesome how it types, and it was a mechanical type machine.

    My feelings are still there, but fortunately I’m producing something, I’m glad this is happening. I didn't even go to bed to think about it meaninglessly and ending up in crying. But only want to see my happy face so I will be delightful to show them my happy face, because they want it.

    If they only want to see my happy face, I don’t know then what I WANT! I feel, my feelings tell me, that I don’t need anything special, but then social status and my objective instance tells me that you can buy something to make it something nice, something for yourself it would be nice. I don’t understand my ambiance and they expect to act if I were level 343 if I only am of level 145 or so.

    Overwriting some paragraphs, I can only say that I was pushed away and people still get in the way, they always win. When can I win a game? When can I be good at something good? My feelings are asking that? Even so, my objective recalls today when I was praised when something good happened after making good code. I feel like eating, I feel like going to sleep, but I see you want me to show something, or I only want you to put attention, to be insistent on me, to really care about me. I don’t know if THAT’S a lot to ask.

    Why I’m making this? Because I want to use my time on making something different than being on my bed, that’s all, maybe I can practice Japanese, maybe I can chat with new people, maybe I can say who I am, maybe I can continue listen to music. Maybe I might insist on getting your attention again.

    When I was at school as a child, I was that way. Desiring attention at all costs, when I got was rejection and suffering, crying on recess only because I wasn't included in some team. Adults took my desire and place it in a box, dug a hole and hid them there. They say that it was prohibited that amount of desire, of friendship, of social intrusion, on other things. I was always afraid getting a report on recess only because of silly little things that could lower my scoring, and afraid to use those silly words that they used on later grades. People didn't know, and people don’t know up to this day. They say, oh that boy who has higher grades, that is smart and can do lots of things, hope he can get me a job later on.... Expectations, expectations everywhere.

    If I were to choose, I just couldn't do so. Because of my sudden desire of expose that box they hid from me and say all what I didn't like of all of the people they have meet me. They just can’t think about their own faults, so I just have to make them know.

    Some people desire I should be stopping this now, because I just over passed my word limit. I won’t. You who desired that didn't stop when you were talking about the fantasies of a cold country that only think in lifting cups and marvelous buildings.

    Some people desire I just stay home, because I can play with the family. I can’t. My extended family is just far away and it has been YEARS since I can’t visit and met a single one of them. I don’t know who they are, what do they do, or if I can find someone who can share the same interests and having some activities. You who desired that were thinking about your old days when you can do all of that and know that you have other things you can’t just take apart of what you want, not even because of the time spent....

    Some people desire I just go and make friends, because that’s what people do when they change friends, but I can’t simply do that because of my one-chance only of meeting someone without screw the things up. It was difficult meeting you. And doing it again 100 times more is a struggle for me. You who desired that weren't feeling doing that, because he has lots of resources of making the things easier, and if he couldn't, he could search help easily.

    Some people desire I just be myself, that I can do great things that I can make whatever possible thing I want. It’s wonderful to be myself, but I got restricted. You who desired that didn't felt the need of changing their life, making a space for someone more, some people have defined variables, and the ones who can change more, even defying the defined can be maintained. And I just can’t stand hearing something that I can make a comment about it.

    Some people desire that I just get up and start making something, or stop making something. I won’t. You who desired that don’t know, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW, that I’m different from you! Even if I can be inside the Near position, even if I get physical Energy, even with your support, even with your remainders, even with your unnoticed problems, even with your counseling, I’m still being different. If you didn't know that I got restricted from expression, that on the moment my expressions should be very varied and violent, I just could express half of it, and the other half have just increased at some percentage, so I’m over living things. Even if you think that I should be like others, our restricted social life make me more limited on talking to people. What is the meaning of getting good things if I would suffer from thinking wrong things about social life, the key they use to get things better?

    I know that I’m making progress, but they got it faster, that’s some difference. And you still want something from me. I’m just tired of seeing the same and my feelings right now just desire to change everything, but my objective says I just have to think about that big change. When I think about it, I just get myself into surrender.

    Japanese people and its obedience, but they have fun. When will I ever get the support needed from my ideas? I just want you to show it but you don’t appear. I want you to show you. Maybe I’m not too good telling that to you, but I just want your support because that’s what people on social networking do isn't it? Or all of that support is just a single occasional click of people who likes to click?

    My feelings right now don’t know what they want, what to buy or what to see. I don’t know if I have to spend this time explaining all of this, if that’s worth it enough, if I have to change strategy, if do I really want to tell to someone specialized about this. It could have been easier, right? I only want to go, not because of explaining everything or to solve everything, because I want to get my thoughts clearer than if I go to a friend that has enough strength to support me and be with me most of the time.  I know lot of things, only that it’s difficult to apply it. My feelings tells me that I may not stand along if I can’t solve this..., and people only care about economic issues, and care issues, and normal things, not feelings, because their emotions are not mine, and they don’t understand it.

    I remind the time I was afraid of posting anything. I remind the time I was afraid to talk with someone, I remind the time I didn't know that awesome people that are not from my place exists and I could have reached them If I wasn't too shy at that time.

    I just want to say thank you for listen it, and if you don’t care about all I said, I won’t mind. I you do, I appreciate it. If you can’t do anything about it, I understand it. If you know what can I do, you can tell me, I’ll be glad to hear it. If you know what can I improve before I make the evolution of this blog and other sites upon the name of stndnerboy11, I’ll be glad to hear it. It will be highly appreciated your contribution to this.

    I may not be as interesting as they think, but I’m still a person. A person that has a sensible heart.

I'm starting another week, and suddenly...

    I have this desire to write, to express myself, to see how much I can do, how many people I can meet, I can interact, I can talk to. It's going to go a nice and fun way to do it. But somehow I can't find the fun about it, yet. Maybe because I'm concentrated on trying the best in this post.

    Last night's post, even if very late, was well made. I made a review of certain things, and also reviewed some notifications, and cleaned my room, I'm making some progress in a few hours. Well in fact, a few hours are needed for making fast activities that it can do on daylight.

    I don't know if last post I said I was kinda sad, oh I remember it was on tumblr. I'm kinda sad, because of so many changing events that I can't get out of my head. I know that feel of getting in a weird world, I wonder how when I was younger can handle better all of this.... What it bothers me is, all my effort made to increase my experience was reverted a little bit, because of my easily-offended mind. I wasn't prepared for receiving opposing ideas from unknown people. Saying that they don't think as you sounds a little threatening, but sometimes, it's kind of weird to see, to know now, that it isn't the way I should see the comments of real people. People react differently on opposing ideas, depending on how well they know each other, or how strong the idea is. The fact is that people who can't see the situation really won't say a lot from it, and those who really do get its waves shaken.

    It hurts to be against the wall so many times, that wall that prevents me from falling, but all those high-frequency waves that adds up with my normal frequency, makes the wall tremble sometimes. The wall has enough strength to handle all that undesired frequency, but still the impact is done, and of course I receive all that frequency without any guard. It feels like lightning....

    I get happiness easily, I get sadness easily, I get other emotions easily. Even my always-protected emotion of affection and love. If some person would discover it at its fullest, it would be a great resource. It seems to be my best guarded resource.

    I'm denying I'm different from others, that I need to express myself differently from what I'm doing. I get a lot of struggles not expressing the way I am, and what I want is to express in an humble way. I'm always saying that and I'm always changing my mind in doing various things, sometimes daring things that challenges me a lot.

   I'll review what things I want to write more, and try to solve all problems.