Why did I want to give my all to show my position to others, to be known by others, to be interested by others?
Why I feel everything else is just waste of time and I shouldn't do things like I'm doing right now, just to impress others? What's my motivation on doing things for myself? If I ever get something in return for what I'm doing, and if someone would recognize something because of it? There should be that one who no matter what other say, he would appreciate all the things you do. Feeling inside like I haven't got into rough paths and experienced the harsh things everyone else had experienced before. The only thing I've done was evade all of this, instead of facing them. All their tries gave them experience; all the difficult moments gave them knowledge.
I know I can only stay here under the blankets, not accepting what's outside, but still I'm trying, in my own way, and maybe I'm doing the long way, but somehow I learn more each time I do something risky, but then it's only to know if I still can face again the difficulties in life. I only want support when I feel like failing on something.
At school, failing's not an option; therefore my positions may have led to something in which mistakes are severely reminded. I can only say that I feel in a better position each time I take control of myself. Hope people can understand my own ways to do things.
But still then, when I make serious mistakes, why I feel like I can't handle all the emotion emerging from myself? Why I have to face it? Even if my most tremendous fears would come and frighten me to unconscious levels, submerging my body into a dizzy situation that could black me out of my senses, and act desperately? Of course it's just a moment, of course I really dislike it! Of course I would be filled up of strong emotion, unable to think (I dislike that too!), unable to get out one solution, unable to see it clearly, and feeling like my voice expression gets worse to tell what I feel....
It's just incredible to think the bunch of emotions I have felt, the emotions I got recently and the bunch of emotions to feel in the future. I mean, there are a lot of things I haven't felt, because of my fear of getting too involved into a situation, and getting into great trouble. I can't even notice where are the things I'm doing wrong, I just feel like it, and only feel it is bad,, because nothing can get clear.
I just have to assume that the things people say are really the things they think, even if something else I might think about it. That thing about trust and believe in words is difficult to put, maybe because of the weird swirl of ideas surrounding the idea of the people who said it. Then, it will be times where I can’t be her maintaining the position of the User, attending reality issues. Then, it will be times where others would do that too. Even if we’re here, it’s only the position on this digital world, maintaining our data in form of bytes, strengthening up our Position of User by the things we do and publish here.
Nice thing I have written a lot, even if I thought I didn't do so.
