I may be a general blog like some others, in which I may not distinguish my thinking and talking as being so general, or being as normal as people may think, or not being the right person society wants to see on new blogs, or that’s what I’m thinking. If I can’t decide the right path to follow and accept, is not because I can’t do it, is because I just can’t make a right justification to make it very clear to me, and to the others.
People would say: forget about others, think about yourself, see what’s right for you and how can you apply on your actual situation and if you dare to risk everything possible to change yourself. That’s a tough statement; I may have a slight idea of what I was developing in a long time, ending up in confusion, in a weird notion of making things worse than normal expectation.
Maybe I do confuse you because you may not see in which world I live (referring as the one we all live inside, our own planet). Unlike other peoples’ lives, my expectation in the place I get around most of the time, my house, isn't as powerful, as great, as strict as others, I may be fortunate about it, but that was not the same on other times. As a boy I would fear some of the rules and strict moments in which you felt you must do the right things, behave the way everyone’s behaving, understand all contents they tell you. And because I can captivate the data very well, all of what they told me was being real for me.
But there was a problem involving all this data and its application. I could see that all what they said was beautiful and enlightening enough to make a better living in ourselves, but at that time, I didn't see that they can apply the data in a perfect way. Ignoring some concepts and important realization of data, we were still living a normal life that cannot be expressed as a transcendental instance of my life.
When the “Great Change” occurred, my comprehension of what I was told was being corrupted in different ways I couldn't accept it all by once. All this saved data, I thought it could be applicable in future times, but then they weren't able to make it happen and, with all the changes, limitations of improvement and my final inhibition towards society, all of what I was thinking was losing its power, even though it didn't lost completely.
All the events that happened on the “Great Change” can have different points of view, depending in the position in which I am now. At other times, I could give a different meaning in order to achieve different goals in life. One of the most important ones was the transcendental meaning of life. How could be that someone like me wanted to achieve such an extreme difficult achievement? I wouldn't know. But one of the requirements to make progress on the goals was not to be shy, being talk-active, know what to say, know a lot about both sides of the social world, adapt to different situations made by them and make a good impression on their lives and their causes of progression.
Of course, it was too much of me in the position I was, but nevertheless the institution of the bases were established, so the moment I can make a good use of those bases, and succeed in a recursive way, I can obtain at least the minimum of what I wanted to obtain. Beat the addiction of over thought and repetitive actions that don’t lead to anywhere is some objective to obtain.
In short, I was there, I was ready to overpass the knowledge learned as a child, all those repetitive data obtained, and apply them in a very fashioned way, and with that getting one of the most desired things in life, and that was, a nice friendship that can share my interests in life and activities, regardless of anything else.
And people would ask: why didn't that happened? Simply because they all think that I’m just too innocent for them, because I may not understand the things they have understood at that time, because I didn't know things they knew already, because their level of data gathering and resources was way too higher than mine. They saw me and they just walked away....
It was obvious, it was very clear that I won’t obtain the right position a single boy would obtain at that time. But still I was still trying, and people didn't stop me, people didn't tell me, people didn't warn me, that it wasn't the right place for me, not because I wouldn't achieve it on time, because I was only another person on another institution, and little they knew what I was feeling at that time, little they knew the consequences of what was happening.
Little they know now who I actually am and that’s the worst part. But I didn't know another thing, because I was stuck, I was stuck in my studies and I was stuck that I couldn't separate the comfortable event of a daily routine. At the end, nothing mattered anymore.
Little they ask what was of little me after all of those events. They know that I have certain relation and that I was a very reserved boy, but nothing else mattered. They didn't ask if I have the things they have. They could have assumed I am, even if I didn't show it as everyone else. That really sucked....
With a lot of social experience gained, they can apply a very adaptive situation of conversation in which I can fit but the ones who will take over the conversation will be them.
And still my social interaction will be as weird as the first time, and it was extremely difficult to break through some barriers that forced me to not be me, to save myself from that extreme world I was. I know that I could be on another place and the “Great Change” wouldn't happen. I may live an easier experience and stared with some advantage. Of course my life would be a little rougher and my level wouldn't be so great (or that’s what I could think but maybe not), but at least I wouldn't fear lots of things I had.
And even if that could happen, I wouldn't assure my position of the Ambiance I most live, my house. The living things and all the weird situations, all what I’m telling know, the position I am know. All the things.... I don’t know what would happen. But still, I don’t know why.
I don’t know why I’m telling all of this. Other people’s blogs have a better understanding of themselves and they have accept themselves as they are know, and made a better realization of what to follow and what to expect from their actions. And because of that people have more attraction to follow them. And after 2 years, my only goal was overcoming shyness and be more open to myself, talking about things I know (and maybe thing that people would show me), not accepting myself who I am, not accepting the events happened, even though they showed me how to deal with it, in an intent of not thinking with those books they would cover their errors..., nothing to worry about I guess....
With my immersion as a User of Internet, most of my ideas were slowly changing. The only thing I would ask all of you is: what I was doing wrong all these time. Maybe you can’t answer me, because you may not know me enough to say it. You may want to ask and see what’s wrong. I just want to see if I could have a chance to meet someone again without destroying who I am right now, at the moment of another change.
I would like to continue, but I saw that was a very long post. Make this a gift for all the posts I haven’t made after a long time....
