A post of Normal Change

Hey there it's been a long while since I write. I have another writing  while I was away but I guess I was going the wrong direction or at least not getting any sense after months of trying to complete it.

I might take some ideas from that but I'll try to note how things are gonna be.

It's supposed that I have got any idea to what to write but after lots of years it's been amazing how I made lots of improvements to myself. Maybe the opening of some keys are gonna help me to open the main key. The one that can unlock any other key. It's impressive, that if that happens I can open many possibilities and make it real. Not all of them but some of them.

I made an improvement on having to talk to people and understand their ideas and their expectations. I might not get all of them but I can assume we can get lots of things possible. It's just a matter to believe.

Now, on to topic. It's time I get to make an evolution but I might not do drawings about it, that makes me lose time more than I should and I should take the consideration of having the time to be on what it's most important.

Programming stuff is one of them, trying to learn or at least review some of the topics on each thing has been kinda difficult, because I need to keep a pace of concentration on it every day. It's something that I should have to keep it dominated. Main things to handle are concentration, discipline, effort, and good decisions. Also main topics are socializing, handling emotions and confidence in our strength.

Adding up learning some languages and other interesting things and also, preparing for living an independent life, which it's gonna be fun because we can do more stuff :P

Trying to learn things in order to share, to explain, is also fun too. Because you can learn from the best and keep the pace on the good stuff you want to learn about. It's only a matter of determination.

What I need the most is to be more organized. I got a prove that other people are unlikely to help you if they don't feel the need to do so. Sometimes we live the challenge even if they don't say so. We have to get some cold in our position to make something special to be brought up to ourselves.

It's time to get to study and get the most out of it. We know in our stregnth and we can make things happen.

Lift Ups and Slow Downs

    It's February, and we should we getting a nice writing today (despite people telling me not to, but then it's for writing that I get the idea of Life Renovation, so, it's kinda like a process >w<)
 
    A month of lots of stuff but on this day I can spend it to see if my writing skills can make me put some more elaborate and detailed stuff about me so I can make it faster.
See, when I wanted to comment on other topics, say on dA and other pages, I was afraid, or maybe I didn't have lots of stuff to say to make it worth a comment, just even a "Oh that's a nice drawing" thing and that's it. I've always thought of my comments beforehand and I would take like, 10 min or so to make one worth it. Now I can make it in less than 1 minute the enough comment and the even worth comments like in 5 min. So that's  a progress.

    I would take my blog to write like less than an hour, lets see if I can make it in less than ten. Starting from this point:

    So I still have that anxiety of mine but I can't seem to look at it because, well I'll try to explain in my stream of ideas. I get so anxious when I get lots of data to process. I tend to have that obsession of processing  data. And I really shouldn't be doing so because I don't know, I need to relax sometimes right? x3

   I really want to give a try to game development, to improve my programming skills, I see lots of people that makes the huge effort and discipline to concentrate on do stuff until finish and get good results and feedback about what are they doing.

    Games like Touhou and Undertale, where one person is responsible for most if not all of the stuff involving a game, that's a really good motivation point to give a try and say, let's make a game for ourselves. And if I know I don't have all the resource and time to make it happen, what I can do is  still learn, ask people, get into, get stuff, learn from them.

    I don't know if I can get or even recover what I've done on my college days, but I have to try, it's still the same kinda to make something than to review something. If I ever knew how to maintain code I might get to know that it would be so important to maintain, so I haven't lost anything and so.

    Oh, an on to the main topic, I got some feedback from one of the ones who inspired me to keep it up, that I should live to society and have to do stuff that can make me go to the next level. Programming isn't the great deal if one could think. It's a very hard work to do, but it's like the first step if we want to give a shot on everything we need to get into. I don't know they say it because they don't have lots of leaders or so or if some dream idea from them, but it's good to make a follow.

    But then I have that downside where, my emotions can get over me at times, and I kinda go the flow of darkness if I would like to say like that, but I know I shouldn't be following that. It's like, people expect you to do something, though they don't need to tell you how, just expect things, you know how to solve it. But I don't know, if people can get the idea of how I feel. Well really they don't I shouldn't be generalizing that kind of useless stuff. I should keep going forward, but I have to keep my hype up, and the people who wants to follow me are the ones I'll get the stuff done.

   Because, after the lost of most of my data, thinking that I would get a inspiration from that wouldn't be helping a lot, Internet grows a lot on data, and people still have data in their hands. But trying to remind what I did kinda reminds me of the things I can't recover now, but if I didn't make importance of this stuff is maybe because it wasn't that important at the moment, maybe some is more now but, I can really make it over again if a thing is better to be done. Past stuff is past stuff, so, I'll give my time to recreate all the stuff I can show, and learn more from it.

   So, conclusion of my 10 minute writing, I have that feeling of really making stuff, just that, well, people say, not to give a thing about writing and just do it, don't make your dreams be dreams/
But then, I write it so I can settle things, so I can say, oh I'm really gonna do it x3

    I'll just keep ground, stay away from obsession, focus on what to do and which things I need to get to make stuff done, if I need to learn more stuff, if I need to be in touch with more people, who knows, maybe I can make things better this time.

Hello and let's get started again.

   I guess I'll make lots of explanations on why this blog has been stopped or not being able to continue all along. It's simple. First there is not a lot of feedback, and second I mostly talk about myself and stuff. Not a lot of people would be interested on what I say, unless some can be related to what I'm saying here.

    It's been days of lots of confusion and days where I say, why I'm doing this, but seems that's more comfortable for now to struggle all of what I'm doing so I can't get out and face bigger problems. I have bigger problems so much, I can't rely only on my own position any more. Because, let's think about it a little bit: one person, introverted and reserved in its own position, shattered by the external forces, not being able to recover from that, even if in the most of the efforts it could do it, turns out he can't revert that personal position. Feeling sad about this, all of that is thought about lots and lots of times. And by the time of consumption it may take away all what he was before....

    I've lost lots of things last year, sadly. Not being able to recover or do something about it. Also I put lots of important things aside, and people around, even if telling me to do something about it, it's still on the same position. I feel like only being just there not doing lots of stuff, and more than ever with the recent situation, I've lost most of my data available of recovery. Not that I can worry of that any more, but it's that feeling that it only remembers you the past but it can't be recovered by normal means.

    Now I'm in a position I feel scared about myself, how I can treat people with a hole on my mind and heart. Feel like if something could be mentioned and I might fall again deep into the dark. And it's hard to recover from those feelings of anxiety and despair. I know all what I have to do isn't going to be easy. I would need a force way too stronger than the force I was maintaining to keep on my own track. But somehow there is like a subtle feeling of freedom, that subtle thing you tell yourself you can now freely go around and be truly yourself, without really feeling guilty about lots of stuff going around.
Now, last year strategy of the gimmick deviation of thoughts and ideas, I know I wasn't going to maintain all that, not because I couldn't, because that was only a main part to evade all thoughts and ideas that it may affect my position. If I  felt last time that I was again evading reality an my destiny, is because I was protecting myself from being hurt, again. And really, protecting myself from data, so I can't be overwhelmed, so I can't become someone I don't want, someone that might get anger thoughts, trying to reclaim things I can't get.

    Internet has been a struggle too for Introverts who only wanted to feel secure and listened by other people too. but I can tell all what I've been through has been because of the support of lots of people who care who I am and let me be who I am too. It's a nice feeling to finally grasp this point and not trying to rely only on my own positions and my own retributions. It's not that I don't want to do it, it's just that, being in the position I am right now, I can't let my own thoughts to be wandering around me. People shouldn't let me try to handle my thoughts alone, and again, not that I can't eventually, it's just because it would be easier to cope with my situation of anxiety and all the last stuff happened.
If something good can come out of this, is that I might be finally able to construct lots of things that are more reliable now to exist, rather that all the past of what it has been. It was good at that stage, but if I can improve that, I would feel better to myself, I would live the present more.

    With that in mind, I'm aiming to achieve lots of stuff that might do a new generic data that will help me understand myself better, which helps me spend more my time to get things done, to learn, to share, to make content, to make renewed ideas from the past one, to really focus on essential things that really gives me the realization of what I'm going to do, at least for this year.

    So yeah, anyone who wants to keep up with my adventures you are welcome to follow this blog and keep up what I do, it could be drawings, it could be writing stuff, it could be anything. It's my space I'm sharing for all of you who visit here, but I'm open to suggestions and anything I can give a good answer, so thanks for all your support :B

More than ever, struggling to be myself.

Hello how are you? Hope you're fine.

It's been a long time since I tried to  write something. With all my activities I have to deal with, scheduling time has been more difficult than ever. Not to say I can't deal it fully, it's just that my normal status in which my position is into right now is struggling. All the shyness/anxiety and stuff that might happen once in a while is keeping my mind from focusing..
I'm really surprised all the time passed since January of this year, and we're almost half September. It's kinda crazy. If something is for sure I'm making more drawings than last year, I've been feeling like plugged out of everything. Society, Internet,  interactions, mostly everything. I'm only getting sustain from what I do, and  from what I can maintain at the moment. Lots of things happening on my head and lots of things that I'll need to do.
Meanwhile,  I still get lots of data and signals that can be useful for me to do. I don't  know why I'm feeling like I can't do everything though. But for the sake of evolution and goals, it's needed.

And also I feel like I can't place a lot into one single position. I've been doing so but it's an unstable thing to do. There are lots of ideas and beliefs from everyone to be considered, and it seems that I can't handle all of those. Why it seems like it has been that way? Maybe because it was intended to be that way, maybe because all the stuff done was so comfortable the moment a variation was done crashed away my expectations again. Maybe because I've been struggling more than ever to be myself.

I don't like it. I do things, I live quite a normal life. I kinda follow things others do, because I think they're cool doing it. The real question is why I can't blend it as part of myself...?
What it seems to be worse is that people won't notice it. And I don't want them to know what I feel about hanging out with them, I might be worrying them a lot. It's not that I can tell it to everyone, it's not that they are interested on hear it.
There are some things that I have to make sure that's what I think as for now. I have to make some criteria of the world and the society I live in.

All the world, and the developing story comes around that, about a boy that swiftly evades reality, society, just because my ambiance with my family can apply this. They know though they can't get me hanging for a lot more time, that I'll have to break and follow my own convictions, not putting aside reality, which seems like wanting to take it from me. I've seen a lot for not noticing that.

Other people around it seems to be trained to receive lots of harsh things and not care nonetheless, that's how normal people around here are used to be. It's all about being direct and reckless, knowing that's the way they behave to each other, and seems to like it too. Of course I've been redirected a lot of times, and because of the same motion (because I had no other choice) I resisted the picks on me. However, I don't know if it's because I really don't like it, but my whole self is feeling all the adversity through their words. It's his defense they apply to make me feel down sometimes.

And still I get it, it's just a joke, they really not being serious at times, but why I can't bear all of this data received...? Not even Internet data is possible somehow, it's has been a problem. Because if I can't express myself, or if I can't evolve that part of myself, I'll have to continue enduring all what it comes from me, and what it has to be the best, is to defend myself the best way I can, by the means of talking, and by the means of facts.

I still think people want to reach into me which I clearly refused to, I still think people would see me as shy or not a very friendly guy at times, because of me not being able to talk. Or because of me not even been able to prove myself, nor even feel the need to do something more than doing the best I know, which also it's a doubting thing in progress.

Developing and programming has been harsh, not being able to follow things and organize has been hard to me, I don't know how others can manage to do that. They would think it's unnecessary but for me it is.

And feeling like the tools I use to develop are slowing around so it has been more difficult to progress the way  want to do. I want to learn, and get info the fastest, I know my mind can follow through more quickly than the computer, but it has to follow my pace in order to make the knowledge productive.

It was long the wait, and haven't been so amused by all the signals and wordings, but onw thing is for sure is, in order to resume fully I'll have to depend mostly on myself, and deal any disruptive motion that comes over my head, for the sake of still learning and find out what things are better to maintain, and what things are better leave off for the good of my emotional health.

And, motivated to create more and variated stuff to show others and give support too.

Being myself has to be in the end the best thing I can desire more than ever, because that's when people really gonna notice how special you are.

I would be dumb to think to wish things to be different, but it doesn't have to, as long as you have the mind to think about how to make things a little different, to see new perspectives and handle /respect of of it, and of course let people know what you want, how do you feel, and for the special ones, how special they are.

I know I'll need to improve, so recover old things I used to do is gonna help me. Because I know I can do it better than last time. It's really gonna help me. So hope I can handle this and with the new progress material and resources I can be better.

We can do it for sure. We'll keep it going, even with a fake smile or a fake fall-down, but sure we can stand up whatever we needed.

After June Post

Hello there.
So, this blog has been a space where I can publish and express all of myself. And mostly it has helped me understand who I am and what I want to become. Also to overcome my insecurities and try to be a little bit more social. Not only having friends, also getting nice one-to-one interactions.
As for now I've been handling out a bunch of things to create and unlock new features of myself, new features for this user, new functions and helpers to make assistance of the current situation I'm having now. 

There's been a lot of work on my side, giving up some actions to maintain the pace I'm into. I feel like I'm making my best effort to get the balance needed on the activities. I really do things to make notice of what I'm doing. 

The thing is all that experience I have, I show it to you. But seems like I can't show beyond that point. Well it's kinda obvious research is a must. But as you can clearly see, most of my drawings express my introversion, my shyness, my way to see life.... It hasn't been mostly about fan arts some has recommended me, or any situation that really involves family, friends, relationships, any kind of social interaction..., because..., I haven't really been a lot through that...

And as you see, most of the movies and shows involves people talking, people interacting with other people, having conversations they can clearly manage within their range of ideas they have. They know how to talk and how to keep it going with the conversation if there is another topic or random thing there is to be talked about. At one point, they know well what the other likes and gives a nice conversation about it. 

One of the things I've discovered is that, no matter when you meet a person or how long haven't you talked to that person, if the conversation is on, there is always something new you can ask to get what he likes the most. I know that people can't have something with me because of how I'm giving the information when talking, and people sometimes won't like to start a conversation, so there will be times where I should want to be the one starting a conversation with a topic I know it would make us feel nice to both....

It has been a very long process, having to go for virtual friendships to make step by step on the lack of experience I have on that. Then trying to translate it in form of real life friendship and get the benefit of dealing with their conversations. 

I've been mostly alone on this..., and to keep saying I'm a shy boy, that I can't deal with talking and verbal expression, has been a very difficult process to apply, because they mostly wouldn't understand how I would feel at that moment. And when I thought I could go for something more, I discover that I get so nervous I can't really deal with the situation, and run away...


Like that time where I wanted to be friends with someone, tried to make my effort to make it happen, but got too nervous think of the idea of not wanting to lose him. Because of things. But then to realize IRL friendship wasn't the answer. If that wasn't the answer, then how to make it happen...? People would assume, I would have other friends, but that's not true. They were biased by my conformity and my lack of knowledge. How could I ever want it to learn...? 

But then, lots of things.... Virtual friendships are something that if I depend a lot of them, I would go down if a lack of communication exists, even   a IRL friendship moment isn't the proper one, because of  displacement of  time/space. I should have my introverted moments, I should have my moment with friends, and I have the things where I can share, whatever thing I feel to all or to some. It's how it works with communication, and social data.

Hopefully, someone would really assert friendship as it is, as how people go and say and do and go places and so. Not getting into my own normal introverted first social centrism of data, trying to give my own idea of what I see of the world. Then I would actually feel I'm stable at handling data, and not constantly thinking they're not talking with me because they're occupied or not having time for you, which can be true, but it doesn't have to affect me...

A fast writing while on morning days

    It has been days of thinking and days of not being able to create more content for data flow. It has been days where lots of people didn't know how I was and how I was making the things I was doing in order to make more reliable content to see. It has been lots of days where I was lost into what I thought it was my comfort zone but it wasn't so true...

   "I was running,  running and running, my feet wouldn't stop running. I wasn't being able to see what was the endpoint and what I was doing in this unusual world. Suddenly a blast of light hit me with all his might. I was unable to catch it and made me feel unbalanced for a bit. But still I was running. Running without tripping, running without falling apart,  running without having to stop. "
    "After so many hits, I realized what to do. And so what I did is simple: try to evade it or try to reflect it. That is the following path onto this world. And I wouldn't find it until I get a proper way to deal with all this coming data and feel comfortable with myself..."

    I was into that world,  after so many other obstacles in life,  somehow my whole essential needed to be able to get his very own path to follow in life. I kinda like it. It's may not be the best thing, it may not be the right thing, it may not even be how society looks it or how my family looks it, but I like it. If it weren't I wouldn't really feel comfortable about it.
    There is though things that has to be settled in order to make this to happen. I don't know what has to be,  but it has to be done. I wasn't able to make a writing about basic position of elementary statements. It needs a force of overpowering energy, and action of time focus and the restriction of all incoming data that may bias our thought on that moment. Because of the last one I couldn't be able to look upon the elevation of data. There are things to be settled to be more sure to myself.  There are things that has to be done in order to place a better me and cope with emotions all the time and know what to do on trembling situations. 

And so I can do more blogging so it's gonna be a nice day and  a nice week too.