In the same creativity line

     I felt like writing on this blog again, even though I updated  my username status to CosmicNerdBoy, the little astronaut lost between cosmical signals of light. Now that the position of Motion has a more reliable and specific path and a proper direction. I felt more than excited to follow through that path and start placing creativity more seriously.
     It has been, though, demanding for me to really schedule all that stuff and time to really make some of my creations to shine and to share what I can place to show to people and stuff. Things like work and not being able to decide on a path are sure obstacles that I tried to face off last year. I came up in good conditions, ending up in a level up evolution that would help me better forsee the situation ahead for this year to come.
     Looking more for people, creative people, people that made an effort to show themselves, people that keep it up everyday despite their own obstacles, I understood the importance to place foot when facing them. Even if they can be kind and friendly, they all have that rush and aggressive power to respond towards creative motion and elements that would say we made something productive today.
     They won't stop, and they shouldn't be doing so. Even when  you talk to them and don't respond, one clear thing is they have using their time creating, imaging, thinking in galaxies and practicing their next act or performance. And they will show it up eventually, in a form of meteor, cosmical form of great power. Among the stars, the moon and their cosmic particles. A meteor is strong of force and speed. They can't overcome the light power of the stars, but their movement and trajectory makes them kinda unpredictable to maneuver. They can appear everywhere, and they can impact in places not known to central.
     That's why we were prepared to face that, maybe towards something one can feel adapted to show off, by creating and sharing, by learning new techniques, and by knowing what to do and how much time we have for it.
    This last thing, time, is one to be used wisely, carefully. No one can know what things can happen after this time, after the here and now. One needs to know their possibilities, their options, their alternates, and the renovations, in order to know what to do on those situations, without losing conviction and will to keep creating. Know what to do on the right situation and retribution will come.
     All of this I learned from talking and get to know creative people the last year, how they interact and how they show their power to shine. They would say, what you get quantitatively towards your creations aren't as much important. But at the end of the year they show off those values as retributions, maybe to see they have strength of conviction to get to meet more people. Whatever they show up on their accounts might not be of relative, but at least it's good to know that kind of value, despite having to face that, risking that it might be so overwhelming. If you use it at your benefit it can be of good parameter for your own creations. Therefore, knowing more creative people, talking to them or not, will  help us to achieve our own goals. And if any doubt, they will notice it by what we do.
      With that said, let's start 2018 with good energy. I might have been backtracking a lot of stuff but this time I can boost up my numbers to really be up to date with everything :B

My best friend from high school is gay

Wow, I was thinking about writing this post, but now that I wrote the right title, I didn't realize until now I really wrote it.

"Gay", that is a word, commonly used to boys who like other boys. And wow, again, I really feel like talking about this topic.

There is a point where I would feel I wouldn't get the gay definition unto full, like, if I were one I wouldn't have been daring to call me that way ,but now I think it's just about realizing who you are and the denotation that will blend eventually.

I still have doubts, but it seems more settled than before, but before I talk about myself, let me talk about the purpose of this post.

In high school, I was having lots of trouble being myself, lots and lots of trouble, and the ambiance wasn't helping a lot. You get to meet people that are way high the expectations from you. There was simply no competition on either to really socialize,  I was feeling left down much of times, and it was kinda difficult to understand them and for me how to really make people tell I'm their friend.

It was one year completely that I was failing on that, and even though recess was something that might help, it didn't make much difference. People have known me and know who I am so I thought I wouldn't make some difference if I try.

That changed, 2 year of High School, where I entered a group of people whose common thing was the thing the school were expecting all young people like us to do. It was a Catholic school so, young groups are nice to have it seems. Not going to go further on that either.

That's where I met a boy, he was nice and caring, he was on the same year, different group, and eventually he was the the one I hang out with few others at recess. He has more friends, way better than I am, but still have time to hang out with them too. I really didn't expected that kind of friendship but it was a good one. Soon after we share lots of things that happen and of course eventually doing most of the same things at school. He was fan of Disney and all about Disney. I love how the fascination of that and also for Harry Potter and other stuff. Of course I wasn't with him all the time but I would seek out with other classmates who share to me the same stuff. It was weird how everything happened....

Not soon after I was invited to his house, some of his parties, eventually going out to the last party at graduation at other party where it was kinda awesome because it was just the time of summer, the night went by so quickly....

And then university, he was at the same university as mine, on another design career, but soon left, he got another path where I didn't know what would happen and stuff. Eventually we were taking our own paths, talking from time to time, even trying to go to those parties he was doing again. 

I remember once that they were doing generation post party reunion and only a very few came in. I remember trying my best to talk to him, but seems I wasn't that much to go with their conversations. Still it was something to share. Now that I understand most things and feel more confident on myself, I know I can do something better.

Then one day he was clearly posting posts about equality and same-sex rights, news and other curious stuff. It was subtle, yet up to the point. I know there was one classmate who was eventually come out gay. He was one that was friends with my friend but he wasn't as kind to me as I would expect. He would often go to the school's psychologist, wouldn't know what for. But then I would expect it was on that matter. 

Now, the moment I would see this I kinda imagine the support that I would feel from him about all those things, even though we had done all those things people at school expected us to do. Even adults there were telling us how good and kind we are for doing that. It was some kind of satisfaction that we didn't feel like change or stuff.

But then a year ago, when dreadful events happened, he showed a courageous self to support even more the cause, eventually saying on one of his phrases, 'I am Gay'

That was the moment I felt a lot of emotions inside, not as other people as for now, because by then I knew more gay guys around that would share experiences about it, me being the least experienced. Knowing that, seeing that expressed from the one that spent most high school around, was brave enough to come out and, despite all the past done, to shine even more on that new path he was going to face.

From that moment I feel, that I would have another support from I can take to to really follow this path, even though I need more steps to go through. 

You see, he has lots of points that surely would make him fit to be the one that proclaimed that time. Good looking and soft heart, loving of Disney and arts and musicals, friends who are also on art and friends who that he talked to from the beginning, supporting classmates and lots of experience on how to give and share. 

Even though I couldn't share most of those stuff, his company was enough to make me feel safe, and grasping to that idea, I thought that would be the perfect time to do something for myself and finally define myself, with the help of him and other people. I'll sure step even further into future.

This is the moment where I post 10 random reasons why I hiatus this blog for more than 180 days.

I'll be quick on this:

1. I'm struggling depression more than ever. This may be something I didn't want to admit, because I wasn't sure about it. But the more I put my effort over bumps and doors, the more I feel the burnout and the harsh feelings I get when thinking a lot. I hate that from happening, maybe it's a signal I should slow down a bit, or maybe be more organized. Somehow I"m trying to settle things down before I continue.
2. I  get to engrossed into watching streams rather than going into the creative process. I guess that's how I was coping with my emotions. That would calm my nerves an feel I was part of something.
3. Social interactions was hard to manage, because there was not a single time where all could have talked to me first and started a conversation. I don't know if that could have been overwhelming, but then I try to reach people in a hard way I could fin my own way to communicate, I feel I made a progress, but I feel I could go for more.
4. Time and time, even though I was able to manage it regardless, somehow there was something I was starting to miss every time I wanted to do something. Again schedule is on the way.
5. Drawings, and drawings again, and thinking the possibility to make the perfect drawing to explain a force of expression that shows something wonderful.
6. People again, not receiving feedback on what I do, it's hard to make something without feedback, feel like there is no motivation to continue, but still I like drawing and I hope to continue even still things get rough, 10-20 minutes a day would suffice.
7. Thoughts of life, again, what orientation I would give this time to this blog, I've always wonder if I could place more meaningful and fun stuff over here.
8. Finding new things to get stories and lots of neat stuff to share, because sharing is a nice way to start a conversation.
9. Becoming a better person, and therefore try to put my motivation to people so they can go with the issues of their life too.
10. Because I know I don't want to let 2017 be a postless year, I will try to put all my emotions into central so that I can share in a better way and with all the force possible. Because that is what I like too.

I hope this explains why I need some space, well it's not that I was alone all the time not that I left other space, hope I can make good use to it :3

Social anxiety - what people can't see

Hello, this is me again. Trying to put more posts while this years end. I'll keep more effort on it.

So, social anxiety, after all these years, do I still have it...? I can say it has been a long battle, for me, because of the ambiance I'm living and the lack of resources that I'm increasingly getting along all that time. Sometimes I search for people to get inspiration from, but somehow I got stuck looking for local people, ant at my own ambiance where activities happen, they seem not to care a lot about it. While people are happily doing what the usually do, I have that sensation of  me going for something more. I don't know if that's what they felt like doing because there was nothing more to do, or maybe because they weren't feeling like prepared to go for it.
I know it's hard that I keep things up for myself, but when I know there are things I can achieve and when I know I can go for more, what I need is to really go for a great search adventure in which, I can really talk to all of the people I know. And in order to do that, I need to really overcome my anxiety, and start talking.
Before all of this blogging and drawing, putting comments on other people was difficult to me. I don't know really what I was really afraid of, I was thinking that I couldn't handle the position of maintaining the comment on the other person as my own. I was feeling insecure about it. Now I felt like not caring much about it, more on that I feel confident my words are for my own and I can keep a handle of what I'm saying, despite what other people would say.
Maybe the base of what I do is supportive friends online on which I talked to, that maybe that support made me feel more like myself. But there is another thing I felt that was helpful: I was more confident at myself that, even if I feel can't have any friend to rely on, I realize that showing that confidence I can put a form of security that, I can be friends with other people. It's just a matter now, of searching a little bit more, and put trust to the people I see it's good to put on.
I know people would give their time to build new things, or at least to form a new strategy that can really last, lets hope that happens.
But also, I want to revitalize those old friendships that were left behind, to really make sure I'm still here and that I'm making my effort to get out of my mind and talk to them. That's what people has to see from me, that's what people has to understand from me. That even with my anxiety of talking and explaining and stuff, I'm still making the effort, and people hopefully will see that effort.
There is the time where I struggle talking, even more now, I don't know why, it just happens, they seem not to understand or put it clear. But when they see, some people would like to point it out, and those are the people I want to rely on, to help me be better person.
Those people who wants me to be that and the people who I can rely on to learn more stuff are the people I really want to hang out with. People that can unleash my full potential and people that put me challenges that I can face to really see what life is about.
I'm struggling at the place I am right now, but I'm putting my effort to search for something better. And when I settle up my search a little, I can go for something more. I hope everyone can follow me and keep it up on this adventure, A Nerd's Adventure to beating my social anxiety, what people can't see.

The Standing Position and Backtrack for username StndNerdBoy11

Hello so, let's see if I can do this right. I've made a list of several topics that I can talk about, and put a randomiser over them. So the first thing that it appears it will be the topic I will be talking about, it might be the same or similar things but the thing is when I see the topic I won't look at something else and focus on write for that topic. Curious enough the one I was thinking the most today appeared first to be the topic of today.

So yeah let's start.

    There has been several posts that I stated that my position for my username was so important I would do anything to keep it up for it. And up to this moment I still keep it with myself, it's not that I haven't changed my mind or anything, because some of the parts composing my username (StndNerdBoy11) has some meaning for me that it makes me think that I was actually that kind of person, maybe with the objective to improve myself but with the feeling of keep being who I am.

     Now there is this idea of renovation of username, maybe as part of my broken evolution which people would think it's like Pokemon, let grow up some experience and pum!, in an instant they will evolve. When I realize my evolution will be taking a long time, I just simply let things happen. I don't want to rush evolution itself until I'm ready to face the consequences of the changing things I'm gonna do after that. 

     One of the main reasons I haven't done that is because I would change lots of stuff in the username, like user pages for example deviantArt and twitter, but looking it well and in the type of user I am I could actually change those usernames to the new ones. E-mail wouldn't matter much as I could create another one and send data to other forms, what I could not changye is the use of my username by other people, mostly comments and mentions. Though I don't have much of them it wouldn't be hard to make that change if I wanted too. Other medium I can't replicate easily would count too.

     Another good reasons to not change my username is because of attachment to the stance. It's been a long time since this username is with me, and adding up to that the generalization of the username that came with it. Even if I can send those same principles to the new username, I would corrupt and distress the form of this username that was with me a long time. It has been like a form of recognition and a traveled path along those years, so if something goes wrong I might lose track of historical position on the internet. Like having to remind that time where I wrote this first post, when shyness was still around myself. 

     But the thing is having this username might not be useful in the end, if I want to progress more in my life. I have been looking for new ideas for usernames, some that fit my personality and give uniqueness to my own position. StndNerdBoy11 goes for Standard Nerd Boy, a type of nerd that goes for good measure as in motion life but clumsy on other situations. I got a pesterchum (Homestuck handle), which is clumsyCalculator, kinda long too. I could search for names that can be pronounced short and easy to memorize or remember, as long as it's not taken by other one and can be used on most web apps and services.

     The question is, why a new username? Well I know people that has two usernames, one for its position of person/user, another for its position of entity, creation or form of expression without any emotional thought.

Maybe this time for the time being it can happen this way: establish a form of new worlds and hobbies that make the action shine that a username can come from it, one in form of username another in form of entity.

So I'll keep searching but I'll have the motivation and conviction up to the end of the year, I'll get a new username :3

My post while traffic is on the way

I need  to save this before doing something else, hehe. And hello I'm trying to see if we can do at least one post a day. It might be kinda difficult but I'm trying to get the idea of going with the flow of the thought, and keep on going with the writing,Saving each time to not lose progress hehe.

As I can see, there are lots of stuff going on that needs to be maintained, and need the right schedule to do each of them. Not going for everything but a little bit of, so it can be of best use possible. That's one of the main goals to set on.

So let's see how creativity goes as we still go on  :3

Counting Days

So I've been looking on how many days there are left on this 2017 year. I count 82 whole days. Last time I really saw it it was 112 days, or 16 weeks. I set a lock on those weeks to see how much I can do on those days without getting tired about it.

I've been looking and giving the famous 80/20 seems to be the most effective way to handle all situations. So basically, by each hour, I'll cover 80 percent of the time working and 20 percent giving a rest. That means that I can rest about 12 minutes by hour.

So, if I made good calculations, we should be having at least 2 hours of rest by 10 hours of established work. It might me more or less the amount of time, or even approaching to 100 percent, but at least we need to score at least 80 to keep ongoing. 

As for now, I'm finding an answer to what role I'm  involving into all what I am doing, because people might be unconsciously confusing other people into thinking what to do what not, and what things are needed to do to proceed into application. That's one of the things I need to get rid off.

But in order to get rid off those implications of force that deviates my real objective, I really need to stand firm into decision and form a solid objective idea that forces back the ideas of others, not trying to push them away from their ideas but to place balance in between.

The form of agreement, synergy of ideas, develops a middle point where both sides can be comfortable doing, while they give up a little bit of their selfishness and form a team that can solve situations and disputes on all kinds of problems.

This means that, even if I want to do everything by myself, I need to really show doors for others so cooperation and teamwork can be done.

For those whose power might overcome the ones we have, we need to show a way we can feel comfortable doing in the time we can place a motion to comprehend its parts.

And while certain actions are needed to be solve, it's a matter of getting into data creation and some courage to make words like this one.

Another post

Because I feel like I can do things faster and I don't realize it better. :P

I know I get stuck sometimes but better to realize it now than never, I'll now what I have to do now in order to not make the same mistakes, and if I feel like I need to solve it for someone else, we'll both get into the agreement of looking the best way to keep the touch and continue life. Nothing should stop us from not stay from the things from the past, those are over there but what it matters is what we can do right know, what we can share, what we can enjoy, what we can do to be better person.

For I that I made lots of stuff to be better and I can organize myself better, because I know what I can do to do stuff the better way.

I was thinking, If I have any time to make a 10-15 min writing, I'll so do to fill post up to the most published posts on the year.

See if I can help with that, it will be fun, it will be helping me to review my writing again :3

Thinking of Making a Spanish Blog

'm A Spanish spoken native person, an such I haven't made a blog in Spanish. Main Reason? Most of the stuff written is in English, and felt my ideas would be more thought if I write it in English.

Now, why a Spanish blog? It has come to my mind, having my schedule and possibilities that I need to resolve as fast as possible, it would be more reliable to make some Spanish blog, for fast-paced posts and other media I want to share. I'll still have in mind to update this blog, even see if I can make new design, I'll see if I can get help with that if I can't do it properly, but in the mean time I'll come with a new blog name and make a new start. To reach new horizons and to keep pace to all the ideas that need to be expanded, as creativity never stops thinking, dreaming, looking into the future the best of ourselves.

Thanks to keep by to everyone, well keep you  in touch :3

A post of Normal Change

Hey there it's been a long while since I write. I have another writing  while I was away but I guess I was going the wrong direction or at least not getting any sense after months of trying to complete it.

I might take some ideas from that but I'll try to note how things are gonna be.

It's supposed that I have got any idea to what to write but after lots of years it's been amazing how I made lots of improvements to myself. Maybe the opening of some keys are gonna help me to open the main key. The one that can unlock any other key. It's impressive, that if that happens I can open many possibilities and make it real. Not all of them but some of them.

I made an improvement on having to talk to people and understand their ideas and their expectations. I might not get all of them but I can assume we can get lots of things possible. It's just a matter to believe.

Now, on to topic. It's time I get to make an evolution but I might not do drawings about it, that makes me lose time more than I should and I should take the consideration of having the time to be on what it's most important.

Programming stuff is one of them, trying to learn or at least review some of the topics on each thing has been kinda difficult, because I need to keep a pace of concentration on it every day. It's something that I should have to keep it dominated. Main things to handle are concentration, discipline, effort, and good decisions. Also main topics are socializing, handling emotions and confidence in our strength.

Adding up learning some languages and other interesting things and also, preparing for living an independent life, which it's gonna be fun because we can do more stuff :P

Trying to learn things in order to share, to explain, is also fun too. Because you can learn from the best and keep the pace on the good stuff you want to learn about. It's only a matter of determination.

What I need the most is to be more organized. I got a prove that other people are unlikely to help you if they don't feel the need to do so. Sometimes we live the challenge even if they don't say so. We have to get some cold in our position to make something special to be brought up to ourselves.

It's time to get to study and get the most out of it. We know in our stregnth and we can make things happen.

Lift Ups and Slow Downs

    It's February, and we should we getting a nice writing today (despite people telling me not to, but then it's for writing that I get the idea of Life Renovation, so, it's kinda like a process >w<)
 
    A month of lots of stuff but on this day I can spend it to see if my writing skills can make me put some more elaborate and detailed stuff about me so I can make it faster.
See, when I wanted to comment on other topics, say on dA and other pages, I was afraid, or maybe I didn't have lots of stuff to say to make it worth a comment, just even a "Oh that's a nice drawing" thing and that's it. I've always thought of my comments beforehand and I would take like, 10 min or so to make one worth it. Now I can make it in less than 1 minute the enough comment and the even worth comments like in 5 min. So that's  a progress.

    I would take my blog to write like less than an hour, lets see if I can make it in less than ten. Starting from this point:

    So I still have that anxiety of mine but I can't seem to look at it because, well I'll try to explain in my stream of ideas. I get so anxious when I get lots of data to process. I tend to have that obsession of processing  data. And I really shouldn't be doing so because I don't know, I need to relax sometimes right? x3

   I really want to give a try to game development, to improve my programming skills, I see lots of people that makes the huge effort and discipline to concentrate on do stuff until finish and get good results and feedback about what are they doing.

    Games like Touhou and Undertale, where one person is responsible for most if not all of the stuff involving a game, that's a really good motivation point to give a try and say, let's make a game for ourselves. And if I know I don't have all the resource and time to make it happen, what I can do is  still learn, ask people, get into, get stuff, learn from them.

    I don't know if I can get or even recover what I've done on my college days, but I have to try, it's still the same kinda to make something than to review something. If I ever knew how to maintain code I might get to know that it would be so important to maintain, so I haven't lost anything and so.

    Oh, an on to the main topic, I got some feedback from one of the ones who inspired me to keep it up, that I should live to society and have to do stuff that can make me go to the next level. Programming isn't the great deal if one could think. It's a very hard work to do, but it's like the first step if we want to give a shot on everything we need to get into. I don't know they say it because they don't have lots of leaders or so or if some dream idea from them, but it's good to make a follow.

    But then I have that downside where, my emotions can get over me at times, and I kinda go the flow of darkness if I would like to say like that, but I know I shouldn't be following that. It's like, people expect you to do something, though they don't need to tell you how, just expect things, you know how to solve it. But I don't know, if people can get the idea of how I feel. Well really they don't I shouldn't be generalizing that kind of useless stuff. I should keep going forward, but I have to keep my hype up, and the people who wants to follow me are the ones I'll get the stuff done.

   Because, after the lost of most of my data, thinking that I would get a inspiration from that wouldn't be helping a lot, Internet grows a lot on data, and people still have data in their hands. But trying to remind what I did kinda reminds me of the things I can't recover now, but if I didn't make importance of this stuff is maybe because it wasn't that important at the moment, maybe some is more now but, I can really make it over again if a thing is better to be done. Past stuff is past stuff, so, I'll give my time to recreate all the stuff I can show, and learn more from it.

   So, conclusion of my 10 minute writing, I have that feeling of really making stuff, just that, well, people say, not to give a thing about writing and just do it, don't make your dreams be dreams/
But then, I write it so I can settle things, so I can say, oh I'm really gonna do it x3

    I'll just keep ground, stay away from obsession, focus on what to do and which things I need to get to make stuff done, if I need to learn more stuff, if I need to be in touch with more people, who knows, maybe I can make things better this time.

Hello and let's get started again.

   I guess I'll make lots of explanations on why this blog has been stopped or not being able to continue all along. It's simple. First there is not a lot of feedback, and second I mostly talk about myself and stuff. Not a lot of people would be interested on what I say, unless some can be related to what I'm saying here.

    It's been days of lots of confusion and days where I say, why I'm doing this, but seems that's more comfortable for now to struggle all of what I'm doing so I can't get out and face bigger problems. I have bigger problems so much, I can't rely only on my own position any more. Because, let's think about it a little bit: one person, introverted and reserved in its own position, shattered by the external forces, not being able to recover from that, even if in the most of the efforts it could do it, turns out he can't revert that personal position. Feeling sad about this, all of that is thought about lots and lots of times. And by the time of consumption it may take away all what he was before....

    I've lost lots of things last year, sadly. Not being able to recover or do something about it. Also I put lots of important things aside, and people around, even if telling me to do something about it, it's still on the same position. I feel like only being just there not doing lots of stuff, and more than ever with the recent situation, I've lost most of my data available of recovery. Not that I can worry of that any more, but it's that feeling that it only remembers you the past but it can't be recovered by normal means.

    Now I'm in a position I feel scared about myself, how I can treat people with a hole on my mind and heart. Feel like if something could be mentioned and I might fall again deep into the dark. And it's hard to recover from those feelings of anxiety and despair. I know all what I have to do isn't going to be easy. I would need a force way too stronger than the force I was maintaining to keep on my own track. But somehow there is like a subtle feeling of freedom, that subtle thing you tell yourself you can now freely go around and be truly yourself, without really feeling guilty about lots of stuff going around.
Now, last year strategy of the gimmick deviation of thoughts and ideas, I know I wasn't going to maintain all that, not because I couldn't, because that was only a main part to evade all thoughts and ideas that it may affect my position. If I  felt last time that I was again evading reality an my destiny, is because I was protecting myself from being hurt, again. And really, protecting myself from data, so I can't be overwhelmed, so I can't become someone I don't want, someone that might get anger thoughts, trying to reclaim things I can't get.

    Internet has been a struggle too for Introverts who only wanted to feel secure and listened by other people too. but I can tell all what I've been through has been because of the support of lots of people who care who I am and let me be who I am too. It's a nice feeling to finally grasp this point and not trying to rely only on my own positions and my own retributions. It's not that I don't want to do it, it's just that, being in the position I am right now, I can't let my own thoughts to be wandering around me. People shouldn't let me try to handle my thoughts alone, and again, not that I can't eventually, it's just because it would be easier to cope with my situation of anxiety and all the last stuff happened.
If something good can come out of this, is that I might be finally able to construct lots of things that are more reliable now to exist, rather that all the past of what it has been. It was good at that stage, but if I can improve that, I would feel better to myself, I would live the present more.

    With that in mind, I'm aiming to achieve lots of stuff that might do a new generic data that will help me understand myself better, which helps me spend more my time to get things done, to learn, to share, to make content, to make renewed ideas from the past one, to really focus on essential things that really gives me the realization of what I'm going to do, at least for this year.

    So yeah, anyone who wants to keep up with my adventures you are welcome to follow this blog and keep up what I do, it could be drawings, it could be writing stuff, it could be anything. It's my space I'm sharing for all of you who visit here, but I'm open to suggestions and anything I can give a good answer, so thanks for all your support :B

More than ever, struggling to be myself.

Hello how are you? Hope you're fine.

It's been a long time since I tried to  write something. With all my activities I have to deal with, scheduling time has been more difficult than ever. Not to say I can't deal it fully, it's just that my normal status in which my position is into right now is struggling. All the shyness/anxiety and stuff that might happen once in a while is keeping my mind from focusing..
I'm really surprised all the time passed since January of this year, and we're almost half September. It's kinda crazy. If something is for sure I'm making more drawings than last year, I've been feeling like plugged out of everything. Society, Internet,  interactions, mostly everything. I'm only getting sustain from what I do, and  from what I can maintain at the moment. Lots of things happening on my head and lots of things that I'll need to do.
Meanwhile,  I still get lots of data and signals that can be useful for me to do. I don't  know why I'm feeling like I can't do everything though. But for the sake of evolution and goals, it's needed.

And also I feel like I can't place a lot into one single position. I've been doing so but it's an unstable thing to do. There are lots of ideas and beliefs from everyone to be considered, and it seems that I can't handle all of those. Why it seems like it has been that way? Maybe because it was intended to be that way, maybe because all the stuff done was so comfortable the moment a variation was done crashed away my expectations again. Maybe because I've been struggling more than ever to be myself.

I don't like it. I do things, I live quite a normal life. I kinda follow things others do, because I think they're cool doing it. The real question is why I can't blend it as part of myself...?
What it seems to be worse is that people won't notice it. And I don't want them to know what I feel about hanging out with them, I might be worrying them a lot. It's not that I can tell it to everyone, it's not that they are interested on hear it.
There are some things that I have to make sure that's what I think as for now. I have to make some criteria of the world and the society I live in.

All the world, and the developing story comes around that, about a boy that swiftly evades reality, society, just because my ambiance with my family can apply this. They know though they can't get me hanging for a lot more time, that I'll have to break and follow my own convictions, not putting aside reality, which seems like wanting to take it from me. I've seen a lot for not noticing that.

Other people around it seems to be trained to receive lots of harsh things and not care nonetheless, that's how normal people around here are used to be. It's all about being direct and reckless, knowing that's the way they behave to each other, and seems to like it too. Of course I've been redirected a lot of times, and because of the same motion (because I had no other choice) I resisted the picks on me. However, I don't know if it's because I really don't like it, but my whole self is feeling all the adversity through their words. It's his defense they apply to make me feel down sometimes.

And still I get it, it's just a joke, they really not being serious at times, but why I can't bear all of this data received...? Not even Internet data is possible somehow, it's has been a problem. Because if I can't express myself, or if I can't evolve that part of myself, I'll have to continue enduring all what it comes from me, and what it has to be the best, is to defend myself the best way I can, by the means of talking, and by the means of facts.

I still think people want to reach into me which I clearly refused to, I still think people would see me as shy or not a very friendly guy at times, because of me not being able to talk. Or because of me not even been able to prove myself, nor even feel the need to do something more than doing the best I know, which also it's a doubting thing in progress.

Developing and programming has been harsh, not being able to follow things and organize has been hard to me, I don't know how others can manage to do that. They would think it's unnecessary but for me it is.

And feeling like the tools I use to develop are slowing around so it has been more difficult to progress the way  want to do. I want to learn, and get info the fastest, I know my mind can follow through more quickly than the computer, but it has to follow my pace in order to make the knowledge productive.

It was long the wait, and haven't been so amused by all the signals and wordings, but onw thing is for sure is, in order to resume fully I'll have to depend mostly on myself, and deal any disruptive motion that comes over my head, for the sake of still learning and find out what things are better to maintain, and what things are better leave off for the good of my emotional health.

And, motivated to create more and variated stuff to show others and give support too.

Being myself has to be in the end the best thing I can desire more than ever, because that's when people really gonna notice how special you are.

I would be dumb to think to wish things to be different, but it doesn't have to, as long as you have the mind to think about how to make things a little different, to see new perspectives and handle /respect of of it, and of course let people know what you want, how do you feel, and for the special ones, how special they are.

I know I'll need to improve, so recover old things I used to do is gonna help me. Because I know I can do it better than last time. It's really gonna help me. So hope I can handle this and with the new progress material and resources I can be better.

We can do it for sure. We'll keep it going, even with a fake smile or a fake fall-down, but sure we can stand up whatever we needed.

After June Post

Hello there.
So, this blog has been a space where I can publish and express all of myself. And mostly it has helped me understand who I am and what I want to become. Also to overcome my insecurities and try to be a little bit more social. Not only having friends, also getting nice one-to-one interactions.
As for now I've been handling out a bunch of things to create and unlock new features of myself, new features for this user, new functions and helpers to make assistance of the current situation I'm having now. 

There's been a lot of work on my side, giving up some actions to maintain the pace I'm into. I feel like I'm making my best effort to get the balance needed on the activities. I really do things to make notice of what I'm doing. 

The thing is all that experience I have, I show it to you. But seems like I can't show beyond that point. Well it's kinda obvious research is a must. But as you can clearly see, most of my drawings express my introversion, my shyness, my way to see life.... It hasn't been mostly about fan arts some has recommended me, or any situation that really involves family, friends, relationships, any kind of social interaction..., because..., I haven't really been a lot through that...

And as you see, most of the movies and shows involves people talking, people interacting with other people, having conversations they can clearly manage within their range of ideas they have. They know how to talk and how to keep it going with the conversation if there is another topic or random thing there is to be talked about. At one point, they know well what the other likes and gives a nice conversation about it. 

One of the things I've discovered is that, no matter when you meet a person or how long haven't you talked to that person, if the conversation is on, there is always something new you can ask to get what he likes the most. I know that people can't have something with me because of how I'm giving the information when talking, and people sometimes won't like to start a conversation, so there will be times where I should want to be the one starting a conversation with a topic I know it would make us feel nice to both....

It has been a very long process, having to go for virtual friendships to make step by step on the lack of experience I have on that. Then trying to translate it in form of real life friendship and get the benefit of dealing with their conversations. 

I've been mostly alone on this..., and to keep saying I'm a shy boy, that I can't deal with talking and verbal expression, has been a very difficult process to apply, because they mostly wouldn't understand how I would feel at that moment. And when I thought I could go for something more, I discover that I get so nervous I can't really deal with the situation, and run away...


Like that time where I wanted to be friends with someone, tried to make my effort to make it happen, but got too nervous think of the idea of not wanting to lose him. Because of things. But then to realize IRL friendship wasn't the answer. If that wasn't the answer, then how to make it happen...? People would assume, I would have other friends, but that's not true. They were biased by my conformity and my lack of knowledge. How could I ever want it to learn...? 

But then, lots of things.... Virtual friendships are something that if I depend a lot of them, I would go down if a lack of communication exists, even   a IRL friendship moment isn't the proper one, because of  displacement of  time/space. I should have my introverted moments, I should have my moment with friends, and I have the things where I can share, whatever thing I feel to all or to some. It's how it works with communication, and social data.

Hopefully, someone would really assert friendship as it is, as how people go and say and do and go places and so. Not getting into my own normal introverted first social centrism of data, trying to give my own idea of what I see of the world. Then I would actually feel I'm stable at handling data, and not constantly thinking they're not talking with me because they're occupied or not having time for you, which can be true, but it doesn't have to affect me...

A fast writing while on morning days

    It has been days of thinking and days of not being able to create more content for data flow. It has been days where lots of people didn't know how I was and how I was making the things I was doing in order to make more reliable content to see. It has been lots of days where I was lost into what I thought it was my comfort zone but it wasn't so true...

   "I was running,  running and running, my feet wouldn't stop running. I wasn't being able to see what was the endpoint and what I was doing in this unusual world. Suddenly a blast of light hit me with all his might. I was unable to catch it and made me feel unbalanced for a bit. But still I was running. Running without tripping, running without falling apart,  running without having to stop. "
    "After so many hits, I realized what to do. And so what I did is simple: try to evade it or try to reflect it. That is the following path onto this world. And I wouldn't find it until I get a proper way to deal with all this coming data and feel comfortable with myself..."

    I was into that world,  after so many other obstacles in life,  somehow my whole essential needed to be able to get his very own path to follow in life. I kinda like it. It's may not be the best thing, it may not be the right thing, it may not even be how society looks it or how my family looks it, but I like it. If it weren't I wouldn't really feel comfortable about it.
    There is though things that has to be settled in order to make this to happen. I don't know what has to be,  but it has to be done. I wasn't able to make a writing about basic position of elementary statements. It needs a force of overpowering energy, and action of time focus and the restriction of all incoming data that may bias our thought on that moment. Because of the last one I couldn't be able to look upon the elevation of data. There are things to be settled to be more sure to myself.  There are things that has to be done in order to place a better me and cope with emotions all the time and know what to do on trembling situations. 

And so I can do more blogging so it's gonna be a nice day and  a nice week too.

"A Nerd's Adventure" turns 4

    And with that, and despite the disconnection with this blog, we achieved 170 blog posts overall, being more famous:  This story, and this important post.
    Kinda that two posts were meaningful, because of the impact of the information provided, and also because of stats :B And curiously it had to happen continuously. Maybe because of lots of things that happened on that day, but still it's has been harsh to maintain a position and place things to do in between other important things to do.
    Need to be organized on that in order to maintain the position again and make an equilibrium of data x3. But yeah, hope to get into thins more often and still share nice things with you.

Social Anxiety and Evasion of Direct Communication.

I'm doing it again... that's not cool... >/////<

    There're a bunch of  ideas surrounding me lately, with such force that it's making a lot of direct damage to the world within the mind of the Attribution of Motion and all its surrounding areas. Trying to deal with it has been more difficult than I thought. And just because I let open the bonding points so that I can deal on each of them. This situation is so serious a revival of this blog must have been done :B

    If you have been following me all this way I tell you that I started this blog (almost 4 years ago...!) with me stating that I have problems socializing with people, that I'm an Introverted person that keeps it to myself, and that his lack of social experience has been tough to deal with even starting a conversation with them! All those years of practice and dealing with new things has been a long process and then the position that gives the force that moves on has been in an up and down statement, where my emotions are giving me so much trouble to handle. 

    What it seems to be that  a nice second phase was on the way, and that evolution got the position into my hands, a bunch of unexpected events, and a bunch of defending events occurred, making what I fear that would happen: a lack of time and distance covered that makes the bond kinda unresponsive to data flow. On other words, a known bond would be difficult to stay in touch after a long period of time.

    The problem is being solved by trying to give the effort needed to recover from that situation. But there's a big problem emerging from that situation: myself being distracted due to different factors. Lacking concentration is one of the things that I hate the most. And I really do. Because if I can't handle all the situation at once I get desperate, anxious and even getting into a bad mood and suffer from it.

   As far as I know, normal people are used to handle all the things I'm handling right now! So why are those things emerging again as if nothing had changed from the time I was starting this blog...? Lack of rest, harsh events of main activities, even lack of time and creative ideas. What's more I'm trying to lose myself into data disruption and big data path branching connection, two things that can be dangerous if not used well, or if used selfishly. The main path is going trough the data bridge connection, where two worlds connect each other and establish the bonding needed to keep things cool in between themselves.

   Trying to surround the data from each User Point is easy if the path is easy to give. They don't seem to realize it, not even they care about it too. So trying to get information from that method is easy if you know what you're doing and if there's a right meaning to do it. If getting a form of obsessive motion, that's where things get complicated. And that's what failing corners appears because, if trying too much, chances are you're not gonna find anything useful in the end. 

    I tend not to go into direct motion, nor even question about lots of things that I have doubts about. Therefore trying to assume things on the information the User is giving. That seems not right and I admit it. If I'm trying to state it here is because I don't want to use it as a sole purpose to get information. I know that I can get it by talking, by making questions, trying to make a space to handle those questions, and trying to make an understanding with the other User Point.  if things go right you go follow that strategy, if things go not as expected trying to get new ways of understanding can make the position of trust and that the way you get to know the other person is because of wanting to have a good talk. 

    One of the things that I fear to do but it's nice to do it is state the worries to the other User, and what the bonding problems you have on that. If the other User acceded to give data and somehow a problem of communication emerges, it's good to make it know, also if possible make the other know how the talking and sharing are great things to do with that user. That having to talk with them is nice and cool and that I thank for that. 

    But also I don't want to worry them with lots of my personal emotional problems, too much..., they would think that I can't really handle it but the thing is: I can handle it, only that I need that little thing that I fear from time to time that I can't even do. That is: being myself with what I talk and ask what you feel the best you ask. Of course there are ways to ask, and somehow it will be better that way to ask it the right way so to see the other user that we're making the things right. I think with that it will make things better, and if something if people knows you and a weird things happens in the conversation, it can be solved easily by making the statement of passing by, and no big deal I guess.

   What I'm trying to do in the end is wanting to talk with users the best way possible, and don't doubt when trying to clear my doubts, because what I suffer the most from is the doubt, and my constant fear of not face that. Hope with this I can make clear again of what I'm gonna do next time I see you :B

The moment I realize I don't often realize about life...

Last week of the year is here now, and I'm using my position of User giving the name of Erick Medina, a.k.a. StndNerdBoy11, publishing on a kinda forgotten blog, "A Nerd's Adventure", making statements about this year, based on lots of experiences.

This year has been one with lots of changes and adaptations, if I'm still saying evolution has been a tough process is because of those changes, unexpected changes, unthinkable changes, things I have been not considering. It's not that this year hasn't been productive, in fact, well, if some things weren't done as expected, all what results are just learnings of life, and knowledge recollection.

But I can say, I've been through lots of things. I hope in this I can explain most of it:
Starting the year, I wasn't expecting too much of anything, just living a normal productive day-life as a developer, making programs as a main, drawing and writing as a hobby. I was a boy, I'm still a boy, not that I wanted to look it into that perspective but, I was of the kind of the ones that its only there when needed, nothing more productive than that. In a way, it was unproductive and far from the mission I was undertaking, putting aside the main part. There was a lot of learning from that though, organization of code and team structure, it wasn't hard. But then, I don't know if it was me or it was the others, somehow I didn't fit in them. It's not purely because of introversion, because of some limiting things I have it was supposed to overcome on the daily basis. I think I was going to learn how to be noticed on trial and error. But most of the time, they let me be, they weren't precise what to do, they were in a way ignoring me. Even though I was feeling fine I could do lots of things, in a way not doing a real thing to do was frustrating and it was leading me to no where.

Meanwhile, you know I have made nice drawings on my deviantArt account, mostly covering main characters, some after-year expression, happiness on the show, my birthday (that drawing looks awesome), some commission and contest entry and then some entries of the world cup.

But by the time "Frustration over Passion" was made, a bending of events was emerged.

A disruption of the bonding protection happened, on one of the many dimensions far away. Not giving any details about it, but there is one thing to know, when that happens, everything trembles, and in real life, that hurt me. As a User-type, one is willing to protect the boundary and the actions and channel the energy to positive towards its followers and known people. Knowing that a common bond is broken and not accessible anymore, meaning a response from the destination was not received, it really questions the power and the use someone is giving to the people to use it. But I guess that was the thing I couldn't made a lot of effort because of things. I don't want to feel guilty about it, because somehow I know, there is no need for me to act on this aspect.

But putting aside the disruption of the bonding protection, it wasn't the mere event, but of how common it was with the main part, how I wanna achieve things, and how important life is, and what not to do.... Looking it that way, it's hard to grasp it.

From that part, there was a misleading handling and a main position of keep the change and feel a goal must be achieved to feel something was doing right on this year. Not to say each day we don't achieve anything, but then its normal to feel we need to get higher, its in our human nature. Motivated by the Social First achievements of mid-year, it was time for me to do my own.

Based on what I have done, I told myself to go higher into new positions, and if necessary, make some sacrifices that won't affect lots of my everyday doing. So by the end of the third trimester, by the opportunity and help of the main Social Second, I decided to change what I was doing with the development of software, at least to feel more into my zone and be more productive. That process, was so difficult to make, because it was my first time, and because of the unexpected situations it could arise from that. So, in order to do that, all my focus went to maintain my own emotional thoughts into overcome real shyness and trembling, serious real social talking, and authority confrontation if necessary.

I still wonder how did I manage to do that, I still wonder if it was the right decision, because sacrifices of time/space were made. If all 2013 was difficult to me to draw because of other issues than 2012, this year it was a little even more difficult. Gaming, new opening of bondings, emotional channeling, frustration on the wait, lots of real issues to attend and space invasion in order to get a little more space in the end. I was in stand-by, but still blinking in light. It was still a moment of transition but, low-profile.

By the time the process was done, I was ready to start fresh new, with things I would know actually and with people I could gladly interact without a hassle, despite of what would they say. I would say on that part, it has been great. And somehow I found a point where I can happily do and share. I can say a symbolic evolution was opened to be reclaimed. The last 3 months, it was, waiting for the process of the new main to be made, Social First encounters, a November of adaptation and a December of structuring. Time has been a rival to face, but then, these last two weeks are to make peace with time. I'm not Page of Time for nothing :P

My mission here now is, for the next new year to come, is to return my normals before the third trimester, handle the process crystal clear, generate a revolution of ideas, handle the input and output of data, social data, notifications, requirements, in an objective positive way, take some notes on what to change and what to keep or discard. I'm still nervous and afraid I can't go through all of it, and in a way I kept on upgrading what I need to fulfill those needs.

I feel, expectations are forming for the next year, because, I really want to show all, what I can really do. It's just a matter of motivation and support of all of you, and the will to keep forward.

For now, I can take this moment to organize everything and make a good restart this next year.

Thanks to all of you for going with me this year!

Introversion strikes again

Hello, how are all of you? If you come from some link I sent lately, welcome to my blog. As you can see, I haven't got any time to update it, even though my position of user is still active with some tweets and some drawings. My evolution process has been not as visual as I really wanted. In fact this has been the year of changes, lots of changes, no real project could have been mantained up to the point to change again and in its basics. But one thing to say is that changes has been to provide a better form of user data content. So, maybe I might update this thing for a little while longer, while I have the inspiration to do it.

This inspiration, however, is the result of me being Introverted again. Why I say that? It's not because of myself in my entire position, because of the people that might imagine that part of myself. Let me explain.
Opening the gates of my social status, I have been learning a lot of things this year. Eventually there is the time to apply it and make a good use of it, then having the right tools of written expression and generation of ideas, I would get more fluent on my writing and thus making good responses and comments and even go a little bit more of my usual self. While certain requirements were occuring, I struggled to maintain that gate opening, and so being more introverted, or that is what I'm thinking.
You see, I might talk to lots of people and then talk to them again, and then try to make a good response of it, and then, kinda not make a response, neither an appearance of sorts, neither try to understand usual nonsense they might say they might want they want to do. All the things happened when the pressure of reality grew stronger against me.
Trying not to step back from it, I reminded myself of some sort of waiting progress, a long-waiting one, were doubts appeared suddenly and without advice, those ideas were blinding me and then trying to step back from usual modes. And to complicate things a little, looking the gloomy process I had to do, fearing of a data disruption that was more of a destructive force to my central position in which its essence was being heavily smashed but greatly defended, had to safeguard on my most developed form of data structured, like a pong trying to deliver a ball full of ideas and retributions and experience from other forms of data.
But then leaving behind things are kinda weird, but also normal becasue, running away because I can't handle my own emotions has been my own speciality. Not that I like it but I can't help trying to say something, especially if wanting to reach someone and not knowing what to do. At first it was only a few ones, being mostly rejected by them, now it has ben way more that that, and the response rate increased a little but still rejections were unavoidable, but still, I felt I made some progress.

Now I felt my introversion went in a high position because I don't feel the need of talking to people, because when I have the necesary things to feel happy, anything else could care less. One of those this are programming, and not any type of programming, good serious programming and game oriented, that was a satisfying thing to do. Drawing and playing games were another one. I can keep with that without any recess shyness and embarrassment nor people nor teamwork to do. It's just about me.
And before anything else, it's not that I don't like being with people, because my years of wanting to do that wouldn't be worth it. It's just that the power of people is greater of influence than others, and I should be prepared to deal with it.
There is something though. There is gonna be a moment I feel the need to channel all that introverted feeling and put order on everything so I can act as before with the add-ons of last things. It's only a matter of wait and know what to do to recover all those things left behind.

If I resguard myself from them is becasue I'm introverted and I need it.
But sure I need to know how to recover to normal all that bonding

Get a slow smartphone, Play Swing Copters!

I got to play Swing Copters (made by .GEARS) , and it's more fun than Flappy Bird, maybe because it isn't theme-related, because it was fun how the cute character was flying upwards trying not to be hit by those walls and swinging hammers

It was difficult at first, I was tapping endlessly trying to figure out how this character moves, believing by tapping a lot I would go upwards, like in the Flappy Bird version, but after a few frustrating tries, I got a little of what's going on. You tap once, it goes the other way around, you tap it again, it returns flying at one direction. It was either left or right, always upwards.

Even with that in mind, I got troubled by getting hit by those hammers, and they sure hit you from behind, but then you see it has some kind of movement, as if the cute character was dancing. When you tap the screen you would think it would automatically turn around, it turns around of course, but for a brief moment it still goes on one direction before going to the other direction. That lack of consideration made you collide with the objects and make you lose. Sure it was fun when I got desperate at times that happened.

But then I got the grip out of it and knew the flow of the movement and how I should go. Also it has to be with a certain rhythm, because if you stay at one direction, you may speed up and unable to stop going left when you supposed to go right. The movement is somewhat like a pendulum, tick, tock, tick, tock. You go like that and you have more chance to get a higher score.

But then I was looking at videos, and I saw, that the game went a little bit faster than mine, and then I thought: that's how I was getting more score than others, hehe.

So then it was my smartphone that made this game less stressful than others, I may take longer to get to the same score but I'm getting safer on obtaining it.

And on an Update data: hehe eventually they got Swing Copters to have an update, movement is more easy and obstacles easier to evade. But still, the same speed. If they have that same speed, so do I.

Just something I wanted to say about this game, it's cute, just people need patience to be more comfortable with it. People get influenced on other people, on media, and people are pressured on this fast-paced world. Most normal people aren't as good at videogames and having those apps on this normal world with the enough fame for all to play it, it's like a reaction chain ready to be triggered.