More than ever, struggling to be myself.

Hello how are you? Hope you're fine.

It's been a long time since I tried to  write something. With all my activities I have to deal with, scheduling time has been more difficult than ever. Not to say I can't deal it fully, it's just that my normal status in which my position is into right now is struggling. All the shyness/anxiety and stuff that might happen once in a while is keeping my mind from focusing..
I'm really surprised all the time passed since January of this year, and we're almost half September. It's kinda crazy. If something is for sure I'm making more drawings than last year, I've been feeling like plugged out of everything. Society, Internet,  interactions, mostly everything. I'm only getting sustain from what I do, and  from what I can maintain at the moment. Lots of things happening on my head and lots of things that I'll need to do.
Meanwhile,  I still get lots of data and signals that can be useful for me to do. I don't  know why I'm feeling like I can't do everything though. But for the sake of evolution and goals, it's needed.

And also I feel like I can't place a lot into one single position. I've been doing so but it's an unstable thing to do. There are lots of ideas and beliefs from everyone to be considered, and it seems that I can't handle all of those. Why it seems like it has been that way? Maybe because it was intended to be that way, maybe because all the stuff done was so comfortable the moment a variation was done crashed away my expectations again. Maybe because I've been struggling more than ever to be myself.

I don't like it. I do things, I live quite a normal life. I kinda follow things others do, because I think they're cool doing it. The real question is why I can't blend it as part of myself...?
What it seems to be worse is that people won't notice it. And I don't want them to know what I feel about hanging out with them, I might be worrying them a lot. It's not that I can tell it to everyone, it's not that they are interested on hear it.
There are some things that I have to make sure that's what I think as for now. I have to make some criteria of the world and the society I live in.

All the world, and the developing story comes around that, about a boy that swiftly evades reality, society, just because my ambiance with my family can apply this. They know though they can't get me hanging for a lot more time, that I'll have to break and follow my own convictions, not putting aside reality, which seems like wanting to take it from me. I've seen a lot for not noticing that.

Other people around it seems to be trained to receive lots of harsh things and not care nonetheless, that's how normal people around here are used to be. It's all about being direct and reckless, knowing that's the way they behave to each other, and seems to like it too. Of course I've been redirected a lot of times, and because of the same motion (because I had no other choice) I resisted the picks on me. However, I don't know if it's because I really don't like it, but my whole self is feeling all the adversity through their words. It's his defense they apply to make me feel down sometimes.

And still I get it, it's just a joke, they really not being serious at times, but why I can't bear all of this data received...? Not even Internet data is possible somehow, it's has been a problem. Because if I can't express myself, or if I can't evolve that part of myself, I'll have to continue enduring all what it comes from me, and what it has to be the best, is to defend myself the best way I can, by the means of talking, and by the means of facts.

I still think people want to reach into me which I clearly refused to, I still think people would see me as shy or not a very friendly guy at times, because of me not being able to talk. Or because of me not even been able to prove myself, nor even feel the need to do something more than doing the best I know, which also it's a doubting thing in progress.

Developing and programming has been harsh, not being able to follow things and organize has been hard to me, I don't know how others can manage to do that. They would think it's unnecessary but for me it is.

And feeling like the tools I use to develop are slowing around so it has been more difficult to progress the way  want to do. I want to learn, and get info the fastest, I know my mind can follow through more quickly than the computer, but it has to follow my pace in order to make the knowledge productive.

It was long the wait, and haven't been so amused by all the signals and wordings, but onw thing is for sure is, in order to resume fully I'll have to depend mostly on myself, and deal any disruptive motion that comes over my head, for the sake of still learning and find out what things are better to maintain, and what things are better leave off for the good of my emotional health.

And, motivated to create more and variated stuff to show others and give support too.

Being myself has to be in the end the best thing I can desire more than ever, because that's when people really gonna notice how special you are.

I would be dumb to think to wish things to be different, but it doesn't have to, as long as you have the mind to think about how to make things a little different, to see new perspectives and handle /respect of of it, and of course let people know what you want, how do you feel, and for the special ones, how special they are.

I know I'll need to improve, so recover old things I used to do is gonna help me. Because I know I can do it better than last time. It's really gonna help me. So hope I can handle this and with the new progress material and resources I can be better.

We can do it for sure. We'll keep it going, even with a fake smile or a fake fall-down, but sure we can stand up whatever we needed.

After June Post

Hello there.
So, this blog has been a space where I can publish and express all of myself. And mostly it has helped me understand who I am and what I want to become. Also to overcome my insecurities and try to be a little bit more social. Not only having friends, also getting nice one-to-one interactions.
As for now I've been handling out a bunch of things to create and unlock new features of myself, new features for this user, new functions and helpers to make assistance of the current situation I'm having now. 

There's been a lot of work on my side, giving up some actions to maintain the pace I'm into. I feel like I'm making my best effort to get the balance needed on the activities. I really do things to make notice of what I'm doing. 

The thing is all that experience I have, I show it to you. But seems like I can't show beyond that point. Well it's kinda obvious research is a must. But as you can clearly see, most of my drawings express my introversion, my shyness, my way to see life.... It hasn't been mostly about fan arts some has recommended me, or any situation that really involves family, friends, relationships, any kind of social interaction..., because..., I haven't really been a lot through that...

And as you see, most of the movies and shows involves people talking, people interacting with other people, having conversations they can clearly manage within their range of ideas they have. They know how to talk and how to keep it going with the conversation if there is another topic or random thing there is to be talked about. At one point, they know well what the other likes and gives a nice conversation about it. 

One of the things I've discovered is that, no matter when you meet a person or how long haven't you talked to that person, if the conversation is on, there is always something new you can ask to get what he likes the most. I know that people can't have something with me because of how I'm giving the information when talking, and people sometimes won't like to start a conversation, so there will be times where I should want to be the one starting a conversation with a topic I know it would make us feel nice to both....

It has been a very long process, having to go for virtual friendships to make step by step on the lack of experience I have on that. Then trying to translate it in form of real life friendship and get the benefit of dealing with their conversations. 

I've been mostly alone on this..., and to keep saying I'm a shy boy, that I can't deal with talking and verbal expression, has been a very difficult process to apply, because they mostly wouldn't understand how I would feel at that moment. And when I thought I could go for something more, I discover that I get so nervous I can't really deal with the situation, and run away...


Like that time where I wanted to be friends with someone, tried to make my effort to make it happen, but got too nervous think of the idea of not wanting to lose him. Because of things. But then to realize IRL friendship wasn't the answer. If that wasn't the answer, then how to make it happen...? People would assume, I would have other friends, but that's not true. They were biased by my conformity and my lack of knowledge. How could I ever want it to learn...? 

But then, lots of things.... Virtual friendships are something that if I depend a lot of them, I would go down if a lack of communication exists, even   a IRL friendship moment isn't the proper one, because of  displacement of  time/space. I should have my introverted moments, I should have my moment with friends, and I have the things where I can share, whatever thing I feel to all or to some. It's how it works with communication, and social data.

Hopefully, someone would really assert friendship as it is, as how people go and say and do and go places and so. Not getting into my own normal introverted first social centrism of data, trying to give my own idea of what I see of the world. Then I would actually feel I'm stable at handling data, and not constantly thinking they're not talking with me because they're occupied or not having time for you, which can be true, but it doesn't have to affect me...

A fast writing while on morning days

    It has been days of thinking and days of not being able to create more content for data flow. It has been days where lots of people didn't know how I was and how I was making the things I was doing in order to make more reliable content to see. It has been lots of days where I was lost into what I thought it was my comfort zone but it wasn't so true...

   "I was running,  running and running, my feet wouldn't stop running. I wasn't being able to see what was the endpoint and what I was doing in this unusual world. Suddenly a blast of light hit me with all his might. I was unable to catch it and made me feel unbalanced for a bit. But still I was running. Running without tripping, running without falling apart,  running without having to stop. "
    "After so many hits, I realized what to do. And so what I did is simple: try to evade it or try to reflect it. That is the following path onto this world. And I wouldn't find it until I get a proper way to deal with all this coming data and feel comfortable with myself..."

    I was into that world,  after so many other obstacles in life,  somehow my whole essential needed to be able to get his very own path to follow in life. I kinda like it. It's may not be the best thing, it may not be the right thing, it may not even be how society looks it or how my family looks it, but I like it. If it weren't I wouldn't really feel comfortable about it.
    There is though things that has to be settled in order to make this to happen. I don't know what has to be,  but it has to be done. I wasn't able to make a writing about basic position of elementary statements. It needs a force of overpowering energy, and action of time focus and the restriction of all incoming data that may bias our thought on that moment. Because of the last one I couldn't be able to look upon the elevation of data. There are things to be settled to be more sure to myself.  There are things that has to be done in order to place a better me and cope with emotions all the time and know what to do on trembling situations. 

And so I can do more blogging so it's gonna be a nice day and  a nice week too.

"A Nerd's Adventure" turns 4

    And with that, and despite the disconnection with this blog, we achieved 170 blog posts overall, being more famous:  This story, and this important post.
    Kinda that two posts were meaningful, because of the impact of the information provided, and also because of stats :B And curiously it had to happen continuously. Maybe because of lots of things that happened on that day, but still it's has been harsh to maintain a position and place things to do in between other important things to do.
    Need to be organized on that in order to maintain the position again and make an equilibrium of data x3. But yeah, hope to get into thins more often and still share nice things with you.

Social Anxiety and Evasion of Direct Communication.

I'm doing it again... that's not cool... >/////<

    There're a bunch of  ideas surrounding me lately, with such force that it's making a lot of direct damage to the world within the mind of the Attribution of Motion and all its surrounding areas. Trying to deal with it has been more difficult than I thought. And just because I let open the bonding points so that I can deal on each of them. This situation is so serious a revival of this blog must have been done :B

    If you have been following me all this way I tell you that I started this blog (almost 4 years ago...!) with me stating that I have problems socializing with people, that I'm an Introverted person that keeps it to myself, and that his lack of social experience has been tough to deal with even starting a conversation with them! All those years of practice and dealing with new things has been a long process and then the position that gives the force that moves on has been in an up and down statement, where my emotions are giving me so much trouble to handle. 

    What it seems to be that  a nice second phase was on the way, and that evolution got the position into my hands, a bunch of unexpected events, and a bunch of defending events occurred, making what I fear that would happen: a lack of time and distance covered that makes the bond kinda unresponsive to data flow. On other words, a known bond would be difficult to stay in touch after a long period of time.

    The problem is being solved by trying to give the effort needed to recover from that situation. But there's a big problem emerging from that situation: myself being distracted due to different factors. Lacking concentration is one of the things that I hate the most. And I really do. Because if I can't handle all the situation at once I get desperate, anxious and even getting into a bad mood and suffer from it.

   As far as I know, normal people are used to handle all the things I'm handling right now! So why are those things emerging again as if nothing had changed from the time I was starting this blog...? Lack of rest, harsh events of main activities, even lack of time and creative ideas. What's more I'm trying to lose myself into data disruption and big data path branching connection, two things that can be dangerous if not used well, or if used selfishly. The main path is going trough the data bridge connection, where two worlds connect each other and establish the bonding needed to keep things cool in between themselves.

   Trying to surround the data from each User Point is easy if the path is easy to give. They don't seem to realize it, not even they care about it too. So trying to get information from that method is easy if you know what you're doing and if there's a right meaning to do it. If getting a form of obsessive motion, that's where things get complicated. And that's what failing corners appears because, if trying too much, chances are you're not gonna find anything useful in the end. 

    I tend not to go into direct motion, nor even question about lots of things that I have doubts about. Therefore trying to assume things on the information the User is giving. That seems not right and I admit it. If I'm trying to state it here is because I don't want to use it as a sole purpose to get information. I know that I can get it by talking, by making questions, trying to make a space to handle those questions, and trying to make an understanding with the other User Point.  if things go right you go follow that strategy, if things go not as expected trying to get new ways of understanding can make the position of trust and that the way you get to know the other person is because of wanting to have a good talk. 

    One of the things that I fear to do but it's nice to do it is state the worries to the other User, and what the bonding problems you have on that. If the other User acceded to give data and somehow a problem of communication emerges, it's good to make it know, also if possible make the other know how the talking and sharing are great things to do with that user. That having to talk with them is nice and cool and that I thank for that. 

    But also I don't want to worry them with lots of my personal emotional problems, too much..., they would think that I can't really handle it but the thing is: I can handle it, only that I need that little thing that I fear from time to time that I can't even do. That is: being myself with what I talk and ask what you feel the best you ask. Of course there are ways to ask, and somehow it will be better that way to ask it the right way so to see the other user that we're making the things right. I think with that it will make things better, and if something if people knows you and a weird things happens in the conversation, it can be solved easily by making the statement of passing by, and no big deal I guess.

   What I'm trying to do in the end is wanting to talk with users the best way possible, and don't doubt when trying to clear my doubts, because what I suffer the most from is the doubt, and my constant fear of not face that. Hope with this I can make clear again of what I'm gonna do next time I see you :B