Last day of the month and...

...I feel as if I didn't achieve anything....

    Or that’s what I’m feeling right now. Excuse me if I ever try to understand my writing inside my feelings of confusion. I can’t say depression, or frustration, or happiness, not even the neutral one. It’s only confusion and misunderstanding of myself.

    It’s only that, I don’t know, why do I have to explain anything that happens to me!? Or why people can achieve a level of attention higher than mine? My state of feelings right now is misleading me into being uncategorized among all categories of social life. Feeling like I don’t belong, or feeling like I might belong to something but it’s only half, or I only express half or they can only accept me half.

    If I ever try to comprehend myself, I only think lots of things to cover the reality of myself, and the worst thing is that my ambiance and what people expects of me makes the situation worse than it is. People seem to expect less than I can really do, only because I don’t talk a lot. My feelings right now can express the loathing of my shyness and my lack of skills, and all the time lost in space. I was lost in space and nobody cared about it, I was alone with the stars, and people only wished upon our trajectories.

    Music is some limit I’m making so that this post can’t say worst things, I won’t say it but my feelings of the deep may spell it out of it, they won’t reach here, I have based motions, I have to be strong.

    It’s only because of YOU that I’m doing all of this, it seems that shyness is so common, it’s not rare, but maybe because it’s not as much talked as other uncommon things....

    Writing is flushing easily my ideas and it makes me think slowly, if I speed up my thoughts I would reach more deep and negative feelings, and I only make things worse. Only my friends from inside my mind have the ability to stop me....

    Even if I said everything, nothing would change, that’s what my feelings are expressing, but even in my own deviation of center of emotion, I can make a static synchronized function in which it can call an instance of my objective motion, and it would respond, that everything and nothing, direct connotations, are only restricted towards a specific set of information. It could be everything I said about myself, or about my problems (which it’s a lie), or about my effort in life. And nothing can be: nothing of my proposals of life about my fight against shyness, against being left behind in conversation, about not understanding social status of parties and other related(which nevertheless I can “extreme dislike” it...). I only wanted to play video games and I wonder how people COULDN'T understand it. Yeah, yeah my “not rather casual” clothing and my physical appearance weren't enough to convince them. That’s a lie too, this time from them.

    My social feelings can speed up if I can reach certain people’s scores about certain game, in which he may not reach it again, because it may not do it again... The classmate who can do it was beside me, near the list of students, it was awesome how it types, and it was a mechanical type machine.

    My feelings are still there, but fortunately I’m producing something, I’m glad this is happening. I didn't even go to bed to think about it meaninglessly and ending up in crying. But only want to see my happy face so I will be delightful to show them my happy face, because they want it.

    If they only want to see my happy face, I don’t know then what I WANT! I feel, my feelings tell me, that I don’t need anything special, but then social status and my objective instance tells me that you can buy something to make it something nice, something for yourself it would be nice. I don’t understand my ambiance and they expect to act if I were level 343 if I only am of level 145 or so.

    Overwriting some paragraphs, I can only say that I was pushed away and people still get in the way, they always win. When can I win a game? When can I be good at something good? My feelings are asking that? Even so, my objective recalls today when I was praised when something good happened after making good code. I feel like eating, I feel like going to sleep, but I see you want me to show something, or I only want you to put attention, to be insistent on me, to really care about me. I don’t know if THAT’S a lot to ask.

    Why I’m making this? Because I want to use my time on making something different than being on my bed, that’s all, maybe I can practice Japanese, maybe I can chat with new people, maybe I can say who I am, maybe I can continue listen to music. Maybe I might insist on getting your attention again.

    When I was at school as a child, I was that way. Desiring attention at all costs, when I got was rejection and suffering, crying on recess only because I wasn't included in some team. Adults took my desire and place it in a box, dug a hole and hid them there. They say that it was prohibited that amount of desire, of friendship, of social intrusion, on other things. I was always afraid getting a report on recess only because of silly little things that could lower my scoring, and afraid to use those silly words that they used on later grades. People didn't know, and people don’t know up to this day. They say, oh that boy who has higher grades, that is smart and can do lots of things, hope he can get me a job later on.... Expectations, expectations everywhere.

    If I were to choose, I just couldn't do so. Because of my sudden desire of expose that box they hid from me and say all what I didn't like of all of the people they have meet me. They just can’t think about their own faults, so I just have to make them know.

    Some people desire I should be stopping this now, because I just over passed my word limit. I won’t. You who desired that didn't stop when you were talking about the fantasies of a cold country that only think in lifting cups and marvelous buildings.

    Some people desire I just stay home, because I can play with the family. I can’t. My extended family is just far away and it has been YEARS since I can’t visit and met a single one of them. I don’t know who they are, what do they do, or if I can find someone who can share the same interests and having some activities. You who desired that were thinking about your old days when you can do all of that and know that you have other things you can’t just take apart of what you want, not even because of the time spent....

    Some people desire I just go and make friends, because that’s what people do when they change friends, but I can’t simply do that because of my one-chance only of meeting someone without screw the things up. It was difficult meeting you. And doing it again 100 times more is a struggle for me. You who desired that weren't feeling doing that, because he has lots of resources of making the things easier, and if he couldn't, he could search help easily.

    Some people desire I just be myself, that I can do great things that I can make whatever possible thing I want. It’s wonderful to be myself, but I got restricted. You who desired that didn't felt the need of changing their life, making a space for someone more, some people have defined variables, and the ones who can change more, even defying the defined can be maintained. And I just can’t stand hearing something that I can make a comment about it.

    Some people desire that I just get up and start making something, or stop making something. I won’t. You who desired that don’t know, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW, that I’m different from you! Even if I can be inside the Near position, even if I get physical Energy, even with your support, even with your remainders, even with your unnoticed problems, even with your counseling, I’m still being different. If you didn't know that I got restricted from expression, that on the moment my expressions should be very varied and violent, I just could express half of it, and the other half have just increased at some percentage, so I’m over living things. Even if you think that I should be like others, our restricted social life make me more limited on talking to people. What is the meaning of getting good things if I would suffer from thinking wrong things about social life, the key they use to get things better?

    I know that I’m making progress, but they got it faster, that’s some difference. And you still want something from me. I’m just tired of seeing the same and my feelings right now just desire to change everything, but my objective says I just have to think about that big change. When I think about it, I just get myself into surrender.

    Japanese people and its obedience, but they have fun. When will I ever get the support needed from my ideas? I just want you to show it but you don’t appear. I want you to show you. Maybe I’m not too good telling that to you, but I just want your support because that’s what people on social networking do isn't it? Or all of that support is just a single occasional click of people who likes to click?

    My feelings right now don’t know what they want, what to buy or what to see. I don’t know if I have to spend this time explaining all of this, if that’s worth it enough, if I have to change strategy, if do I really want to tell to someone specialized about this. It could have been easier, right? I only want to go, not because of explaining everything or to solve everything, because I want to get my thoughts clearer than if I go to a friend that has enough strength to support me and be with me most of the time.  I know lot of things, only that it’s difficult to apply it. My feelings tells me that I may not stand along if I can’t solve this..., and people only care about economic issues, and care issues, and normal things, not feelings, because their emotions are not mine, and they don’t understand it.

    I remind the time I was afraid of posting anything. I remind the time I was afraid to talk with someone, I remind the time I didn't know that awesome people that are not from my place exists and I could have reached them If I wasn't too shy at that time.

    I just want to say thank you for listen it, and if you don’t care about all I said, I won’t mind. I you do, I appreciate it. If you can’t do anything about it, I understand it. If you know what can I do, you can tell me, I’ll be glad to hear it. If you know what can I improve before I make the evolution of this blog and other sites upon the name of stndnerboy11, I’ll be glad to hear it. It will be highly appreciated your contribution to this.

    I may not be as interesting as they think, but I’m still a person. A person that has a sensible heart.

I'm starting another week, and suddenly...

    I have this desire to write, to express myself, to see how much I can do, how many people I can meet, I can interact, I can talk to. It's going to go a nice and fun way to do it. But somehow I can't find the fun about it, yet. Maybe because I'm concentrated on trying the best in this post.

    Last night's post, even if very late, was well made. I made a review of certain things, and also reviewed some notifications, and cleaned my room, I'm making some progress in a few hours. Well in fact, a few hours are needed for making fast activities that it can do on daylight.

    I don't know if last post I said I was kinda sad, oh I remember it was on tumblr. I'm kinda sad, because of so many changing events that I can't get out of my head. I know that feel of getting in a weird world, I wonder how when I was younger can handle better all of this.... What it bothers me is, all my effort made to increase my experience was reverted a little bit, because of my easily-offended mind. I wasn't prepared for receiving opposing ideas from unknown people. Saying that they don't think as you sounds a little threatening, but sometimes, it's kind of weird to see, to know now, that it isn't the way I should see the comments of real people. People react differently on opposing ideas, depending on how well they know each other, or how strong the idea is. The fact is that people who can't see the situation really won't say a lot from it, and those who really do get its waves shaken.

    It hurts to be against the wall so many times, that wall that prevents me from falling, but all those high-frequency waves that adds up with my normal frequency, makes the wall tremble sometimes. The wall has enough strength to handle all that undesired frequency, but still the impact is done, and of course I receive all that frequency without any guard. It feels like lightning....

    I get happiness easily, I get sadness easily, I get other emotions easily. Even my always-protected emotion of affection and love. If some person would discover it at its fullest, it would be a great resource. It seems to be my best guarded resource.

    I'm denying I'm different from others, that I need to express myself differently from what I'm doing. I get a lot of struggles not expressing the way I am, and what I want is to express in an humble way. I'm always saying that and I'm always changing my mind in doing various things, sometimes daring things that challenges me a lot.

   I'll review what things I want to write more, and try to solve all problems.

On days you can’t sleep.

But you should anyway.

    Those are the times my mind wanders a lot on my own ideas. I know I will regret listening to my mind, but I hope I can get some sleep if I let my mind in blank, and that is trying to write something.

    I had my sad days, and my anxious days, but also I had nice and awesome days. Some people could say I could be a person that can change emotion easily, and for some reason, they are right. I change emotion easily, and also on small changes that were unexpected, those who surprise me and let me off the guard. My zone of comfort is quite limited, but it’s getting bigger, but on bigger areas, bigger responsibilities, bigger expectations.

    When someone is expected to change new things comes, but people will react on those changes, even if you are still learning it. You can say you are a beginner, that you don’t know what to expect, but people will still react on certain action. It’s like the starter driver who practices on the road, with more experienced ones. Even if the  flashing back lights says you are learning, other drivers won’t reduce their driving speed or they will give opportunity to them as if they were special.

    I remember one time I was with some classmates and out of my mind I said something. The other person answered in a way, I got surprised. The words were “How can you say that coming from you?”, or “My, my, look who is saying that!”, or something related. By that time somehow I thought that comment was quite offending, but I could say I wasn't prepared for that answer. That’s one of the realizations that even if I can increase my expression, they will be others who willingly answer to that expression.

    That’s why I haven’t done it on the first place, because of that feeling of not agreeing with me, or that slightly feeling of rejection or that people can’t agree with you on some things you feel that’s very important. But since I’m getting this blog to be on the go, and since a lot of events, I’m learning to comprehend more the people and its behaviors, and knowing what I can do and what not, I can only send and receive data from them, trying the best to understand what they really want to express. That’s the difficult thing of social communication. I don’t know if experts can explain what I just said.

Attention, that’s one of the things I want. 
Affection, another thing I want.
Rejection, a thing I don’t want.
Loneliness, another thing I don’t want.

    Maybe people like me are so egoist with us; we only want the things for ourselves and care less about others. When two get together, it’s a battle on which can expose its own ego to the other.

    I was too shy to expose expression at that time, so the only way to achieve something was to get into someone’s synchronization and follow certain patterns, trying to learn something new. I am always reminded that eventually it will be the turn of me to make the contribution of the bond. I contribute a little, and they get disappointed.

    Nobody knows exactly what would happen on others’ mind, and if the things they express are the ones that completely resemble that mind, we are making the best that happens.

    It’s not that I want to get excluded from everyone, it’s just that the Near Ambiance has been on a Position of concentration on our own endurance, limiting lots of things including social outings and extension of friendships with going outs. I would like all of this can be known by at least more than 10 people, but I can expect less if my own expectation cannot overcome others’ expectations about this.

Erick: “But I’m still standing...”
Richie: “And then you have me.”
Erick: “Oh, you, I don’t know how you can handle all of this.”
Richie: “Do I have to explain why I can do that?”
Erick: “No, I know, you are me somehow.”
Richie: “Hehe, so, this time’s roleplay: how people can make your emotions tremble”
Erick: “My question is: how can people handle this”
Richie: “It’s quite simple, they just forget about it.”
Erick: “Hehehe, and I can’t forget most of the things.”
Richie: “You are always thinking and I understand, but you know you can regulate your knowledge level”
Erick: “I know I can, because it requires some energy and lots of determination”
Richie: “But remember that people needs to be told about things at their own level of understanding, equaling the level is the most proper one.”
Erick: “I feel like needing to understand things that may not be of higher level but I can’t understand is the weird thing”
Richie: “I may get why....”
Erick: “Because I’m thinking my own thoughts are of higher level”
Richie: “Oh....”
Erick: “I’m not thinking on simple things, and conversation are about random simple things. That’s why most people can do it.”
Richie: “You may be right...,”
Erick: “All those years trying to express myself and always talking on higher levels than all those children on Elementary School....”
Richie: “But still you had your own bright days”
Erick: “I know that was when I thought everything will be the same....”
Richie: “I don’t know the point of all this...!”
Erick: “Discovering myself again searching childhood, like I always do. Finding out I’m a lost undiscovered genius-type that is getting its power lost..., or I was just a Japanese-type in which discipline was my motto and also in my house, and that it’s getting also less powerful....”
Richie: “I could agree with the second....”
Erick: “But they should have found my case interesting anyway...”

(Sleep is coming so, see you later then.)

Random Post of the Month

 Hope you liked the last post. I’m trying to make a post while watching a Nostalgia Critic video. I’m just a classic one viewing videos from 2008. I’m getting distracted because I’m expecting the funny moments to appear. Also I’m practicing again my arrangement of ideas. I know certain sentences get wrong on context, so it would be awesome if you can see something that can seem out of logic, you can tell me or send me a message (my username: stndnerdboy11, my email: gmail.com [hope this is a logical notion]).
    Why I’m watching this? I don’t know. Why do you usually watch it? Maybe because you are depressed enough you say  “That’s enough of all of that [the bad things]” and you know you need to get distracted from it, so all the feelings go away. And that’s when you watch something [a video]. I don’t know if I have to sleep, or if I have to watch a video. If I have to write, of if I have to make something else. Somehow it’s working. I know I have to sleep earlier but let’s see how it goes while I’m trying to reconsider, and while trying to find an answer. I’m seeing a Star Wars Christmas Special…!?  Oh my god!! D:
    I can’t understand it at all!! D:  I can’t concentrate at all! And then Nostalgia Critic’s faces.... hehehe. I’m getting fun. But I can’t understand it! Why I don’t understand? (But I can get fun about it). I can’t concentrate D:
    Ok. I stopped the video for a little bit of concentration. I’m getting entertained but because I feel to write another random thing, I can’t help to say I’m fine. And yeah. This random post made me the great idea of writing a post about Star Wars, and it’s kinda different connotations. I will talk about the 6-movie saga more than the other franchise. So it would be easier to talk about (because I saw them hehe)
    Now I’m watching again this, maybe I’m getting anxious in a funny way. (How can that possible happen?) Maybe that wasn’t the video I expected. But still funny.... but still.... I don’t understand some of those video’s endings. They are just as exaggerate as the movies they show, but I guess that’s the point of the show....