Those are the times my mind wanders a lot on my own ideas. I know I will regret listening to my mind, but I hope I can get some sleep if I let my mind in blank, and that is trying to write something.
I had my sad days, and my anxious days, but also I had nice and awesome days. Some people could say I could be a person that can change emotion easily, and for some reason, they are right. I change emotion easily, and also on small changes that were unexpected, those who surprise me and let me off the guard. My zone of comfort is quite limited, but it’s getting bigger, but on bigger areas, bigger responsibilities, bigger expectations.
When someone is expected to change new things comes, but people will react on those changes, even if you are still learning it. You can say you are a beginner, that you don’t know what to expect, but people will still react on certain action. It’s like the starter driver who practices on the road, with more experienced ones. Even if the flashing back lights says you are learning, other drivers won’t reduce their driving speed or they will give opportunity to them as if they were special.
I remember one time I was with some classmates and out of my mind I said something. The other person answered in a way, I got surprised. The words were “How can you say that coming from you?”, or “My, my, look who is saying that!”, or something related. By that time somehow I thought that comment was quite offending, but I could say I wasn't prepared for that answer. That’s one of the realizations that even if I can increase my expression, they will be others who willingly answer to that expression.
That’s why I haven’t done it on the first place, because of that feeling of not agreeing with me, or that slightly feeling of rejection or that people can’t agree with you on some things you feel that’s very important. But since I’m getting this blog to be on the go, and since a lot of events, I’m learning to comprehend more the people and its behaviors, and knowing what I can do and what not, I can only send and receive data from them, trying the best to understand what they really want to express. That’s the difficult thing of social communication. I don’t know if experts can explain what I just said.
Attention, that’s one of the things I want.
Affection, another thing I want.
Rejection, a thing I don’t want.
Loneliness, another thing I don’t want.
Maybe people like me are so egoist with us; we only want the things for ourselves and care less about others. When two get together, it’s a battle on which can expose its own ego to the other.
I was too shy to expose expression at that time, so the only way to achieve something was to get into someone’s synchronization and follow certain patterns, trying to learn something new. I am always reminded that eventually it will be the turn of me to make the contribution of the bond. I contribute a little, and they get disappointed.
Nobody knows exactly what would happen on others’ mind, and if the things they express are the ones that completely resemble that mind, we are making the best that happens.
It’s not that I want to get excluded from everyone, it’s just that the Near Ambiance has been on a Position of concentration on our own endurance, limiting lots of things including social outings and extension of friendships with going outs. I would like all of this can be known by at least more than 10 people, but I can expect less if my own expectation cannot overcome others’ expectations about this.
Erick: “But I’m still standing...”
Richie: “And then you have me.”
Erick: “Oh, you, I don’t know how you can handle all of this.”
Richie: “Do I have to explain why I can do that?”
Erick: “No, I know, you are me somehow.”
Richie: “Hehe, so, this time’s roleplay: how people can make your emotions tremble”
Erick: “My question is: how can people handle this”
Richie: “It’s quite simple, they just forget about it.”
Erick: “Hehehe, and I can’t forget most of the things.”
Richie: “You are always thinking and I understand, but you know you can regulate your knowledge level”
Erick: “I know I can, because it requires some energy and lots of determination”
Richie: “But remember that people needs to be told about things at their own level of understanding, equaling the level is the most proper one.”
Erick: “I feel like needing to understand things that may not be of higher level but I can’t understand is the weird thing”
Richie: “I may get why....”
Erick: “Because I’m thinking my own thoughts are of higher level”
Richie: “Oh....”
Erick: “I’m not thinking on simple things, and conversation are about random simple things. That’s why most people can do it.”
Richie: “You may be right...,”
Erick: “All those years trying to express myself and always talking on higher levels than all those children on Elementary School....”
Richie: “But still you had your own bright days”
Erick: “I know that was when I thought everything will be the same....”
Richie: “I don’t know the point of all this...!”
Erick: “Discovering myself again searching childhood, like I always do. Finding out I’m a lost undiscovered genius-type that is getting its power lost..., or I was just a Japanese-type in which discipline was my motto and also in my house, and that it’s getting also less powerful....”
Richie: “I could agree with the second....”
Erick: “But they should have found my case interesting anyway...”
(Sleep is coming so, see you later then.)
