Standing my position...

    I was searching something to write, then inspiration came some time ago when Internet reminds you of how weird your life was before, and how some people has better stats on different areas you wanted to be better. Curiously enough, I had the idea from days ago, only that I couldn't remember today. Glad I had, because I can express my feelings, ooh those feelings. Just to add today was kinda stressful, but this is other thing to do.
    People do things, people has activities they do on their free time. I just write and I’m on constant learning, fixing word errors. And I’m comfortably sit on the sofa drinking a nice coffee without caffeine while having a nice snack, getting up for occasional necessary trips around the house. Also I’m looking at my notebook and my computer with lots of open files, and then visiting lots of pages, then listening to music and still continue writing, thinking about those times when I visit someone else’s page and see, how wonderful his life is right now....
    All of those are for lots of pages I had visited, and they are about what they publish and comment, how can make with their posts a nice interaction with other users, typing and blogging lots of things. I can’t understand how they can live in those worlds, and then look fine or look terrified about it, whatever their emotion they had right now. But then I just see their experiences and how much they have developed their position of their User-type. That’s impressing. Even though I knew Internet for a nice time, I just can’t stop admiring those who started before me, and saw all possibilities to be themselves or to be someone better that eventually they will become themselves.
    In my life, I was searching for lots of things to happen, and in so many times, all those things didn't happen, no matter how I struggled to make it happen. So when I look someone doing the things I wished it could happen to me, I get somewhat sad. Plain sad. I might get depressed, or envious, maybe a bit dreamy, imaging myself really in that specific place. I might have been a little bit happier.
    But then there is this part that I don’t realize what I’m saying. That part of me that can’t grasp the reality on the society I live: the dazing streets at night, the various clothing and their themed shirts, all what they carry on their backpacks, including trading cards, game consoles, some snack or notebook, or their favorite plushie. Their constant learning on memorizing their favorite scenes to be repeated with their friends and beyond over and over again, the stories that they tell, and the stories of the stories they tell about events, like a chain of events starting since childhood, all their music influence and the eventual definition of points of view, and of course their lack of fear of telling all the above....
    That makes me think, if I don’t have one of those they mostly talk about, or they could all easily agree, will I never be part of that something I used to talk the Nerd-Type, those otaku-geek-gamer people they talk about all those manga-anime things? But then there are the programmer-developer-designer ones who talk about lots of what they do or what they see, and even more there is me who sees a lots of those people and feel that in neither can fit in.... And then, a concept upraises upon after all those experiences: I just feel I can’t fit properly in any of those groups, or I feel that whatever thing I say it might not be on the group, they could disband me from their group of friends.... In other words, a misfit, the one who can’t think on one thing without thinking of another, the one who searches for the proper definition of the things without altering the order of life. The one that  fears what he can say, the one who can’t show all of what he likes because another person can do it better, or because other person doesn't like it; the one who can’t stand upon himself and tell people they have a wrong concept of himself, the one no one else considers, the one who wanted a specific thing and didn't realize the value he was giving to them.
    Just because I don’t talk a lot, I don’t do a lot like them, I don’t express like them, or can’t show any feeling like them, doesn't mean that I DON’T LIKE being with them. I was just there, but nothing else.... I don’t know why they didn't tell me I was just losing time.... But then they were nice to me, then, their Pokemon, Dragon Ball or yu-gi-oh things they were talking, their gaming they only wanted to hear or their expertise on those games, all of those lead me to step back to them and feel small compared to them. But then, they didn't know how I was feeling at that time, I’m still able to confide my emotions from everyone else....
    My lack of experience is my most fear, or I fear I feel someone has more experience than I am…. And those that are around me tell me that I don’t worry, but they don’t know they induced me to that liking and that I should do something special about it. That’s the main thing I can have FRIENDS I can rely on. But then the chain was broken way before I met them, so.... I don’t know if they can really understand what I’m posting right know, if they really care about it. Then feel the pity to me and telling me to stay strong, and starting a chain of apologies, but that’s not the chain I want.
    Because other people don’t consider what I do, or what I can do to match the position they are, doesn’t mean I won’t stand behind on expressing myself who I am and the position and in which I am right now. I have base, I only have to express more openly to everyone else. I won’t care if else can’t understand that. Because I can base on myself, and on the ones we’re still on this.
    I just need a little sleep and a little bit of hey everybody, I’m still here. In other words, promotion. That’s why I thank every little bit of consideration towards me, because with that I can assure I can be still on this and then, I can show you amazing things. Have hope and support in me and you’ll see.
    So for this matter, and in the position of this username,  I’m still here, and I count on you.

"Because for myself I must stand the position for what I like and for what I do, share it with you"

Two Years Ago

"...,I was still afraid.
Afraid of what?
Afraid of remember bad moments on the past."

    Even though my past is still childish and lacking of experience, it's kind of frightening to think I was still afraid of the things I once said I will overcome it. But still today I feel those sensations of fear. I can deal with it better, although a proper response of the past situation didn't get fully done. A missing part of some sort of events that turned me into the person I am now.
    "Darn emotions that get hooked on the reason to tell us they have a meaning to be here with us." Because if nothing had happened, no emotion would come out, nor a feeling or memory can make us show a emotion. But that 'nothing' I refer means those events were shocking enough to have some emotion when the event is remembered. Then, when that emotion appears, I feel all dizzy; insecure I can handle all the feeling. Therefore, I try not to remember it, not to face it; not even trying to do those things related that can make me feel. Then, I am afraid....
    Then what does this mean to have those unnecessary sensations...? I mean I can still handle it if my reason is strong enough to overcome it, but the sensations won't go away until something can make it go away, or maybe time. A good laugh I suppose, it's like a pressure in the chest, something in need to be liberated from oppression. They say a good laugh to help release the pressure of ourselves.
    Was I afraid to express of who I am now? Do I still get that fear from people? I have that sensation, as if I feared people in a way I can’t even talk with them. Lack of confidence I think, but then, but then..., I can’t understand why I can feel the sensation of not doing the expected things. I wonder why my body acts like that....
    If it was really a physical issue all the time, then, I should treat it like one, shouldn't I?
    But, in order to really think there is a physical issue, I should expose myself to the most daring things in real life for me, and also online. So I can really know if there’s a clear problem about it. I want to find it out.

Still someone who can't fit into any category existing in this world, because of his seemingly lack of confidence, or his variety of likes that seems to be a notorious point of doubt....

A misfit, am I really of that kind? I'm supposed to be of the Nerd-Type, but others can be way above me, so I'm still low to reach it. But this is one of the things I'm going to post later.

Random Post of the Month

    Why did I want to give my all to show my position to others, to be known by others, to be interested by others?

    Why I feel everything else is just waste of time and I shouldn't do things like I'm doing right now, just to impress others? What's my motivation on doing things for myself? If I ever get something in return for what I'm doing, and if someone would recognize something because of it? There should be that one who no matter what other say, he would appreciate all the things you do. Feeling inside like I haven't got into rough paths and experienced the harsh things everyone else had experienced before. The only thing I've done was evade all of this, instead of facing them. All their tries gave them experience; all the difficult moments gave them knowledge.

    I know I can only stay here under the blankets, not accepting what's outside, but still I'm trying, in my own way, and maybe I'm doing the long way, but somehow I learn more each time I do something risky, but then it's only to know if I still can face again the difficulties in life. I only want support when I feel like failing on something.

    At school, failing's not an option; therefore my positions may have led to something in which mistakes are severely reminded. I can only say that I feel in a better position each time I take control of myself. Hope people can understand my own ways to do things.

    But still then, when I make serious mistakes, why I feel like I can't handle all the emotion emerging from myself? Why I have to face it? Even if my most tremendous fears would come and frighten me to unconscious levels, submerging my body into a dizzy situation that could black me out of my senses, and act desperately? Of course it's just a moment, of course I really dislike it! Of course I would be filled up of strong emotion, unable to think (I dislike that too!), unable to get out one solution, unable to see it clearly, and feeling like my voice expression gets worse to tell what I feel....

    It's just incredible to think the bunch of emotions I have felt, the emotions I got recently and the bunch of emotions to feel in the future. I mean, there are a lot of things I haven't felt, because of my fear of getting too involved into a situation, and getting into great trouble. I can't even notice where are the things I'm doing wrong, I just feel like it, and only feel it is bad,, because nothing can get clear.

    I just have to assume that the things people say are really the things they think, even if something else I might think about it. That thing about trust and believe in words is difficult to put, maybe because of the weird swirl of ideas surrounding the idea of the people who said it. Then, it will be times where I can’t be her maintaining the position of the User, attending reality issues. Then, it will be times where others would do that too. Even if we’re here, it’s only the position on this digital world, maintaining our data in form of bytes, strengthening up our Position of User by the things we do and publish here.

    Nice thing I have written a lot, even if I thought I didn't do so.