Social anxiety - what people can't see

Hello, this is me again. Trying to put more posts while this years end. I'll keep more effort on it.

So, social anxiety, after all these years, do I still have it...? I can say it has been a long battle, for me, because of the ambiance I'm living and the lack of resources that I'm increasingly getting along all that time. Sometimes I search for people to get inspiration from, but somehow I got stuck looking for local people, ant at my own ambiance where activities happen, they seem not to care a lot about it. While people are happily doing what the usually do, I have that sensation of  me going for something more. I don't know if that's what they felt like doing because there was nothing more to do, or maybe because they weren't feeling like prepared to go for it.
I know it's hard that I keep things up for myself, but when I know there are things I can achieve and when I know I can go for more, what I need is to really go for a great search adventure in which, I can really talk to all of the people I know. And in order to do that, I need to really overcome my anxiety, and start talking.
Before all of this blogging and drawing, putting comments on other people was difficult to me. I don't know really what I was really afraid of, I was thinking that I couldn't handle the position of maintaining the comment on the other person as my own. I was feeling insecure about it. Now I felt like not caring much about it, more on that I feel confident my words are for my own and I can keep a handle of what I'm saying, despite what other people would say.
Maybe the base of what I do is supportive friends online on which I talked to, that maybe that support made me feel more like myself. But there is another thing I felt that was helpful: I was more confident at myself that, even if I feel can't have any friend to rely on, I realize that showing that confidence I can put a form of security that, I can be friends with other people. It's just a matter now, of searching a little bit more, and put trust to the people I see it's good to put on.
I know people would give their time to build new things, or at least to form a new strategy that can really last, lets hope that happens.
But also, I want to revitalize those old friendships that were left behind, to really make sure I'm still here and that I'm making my effort to get out of my mind and talk to them. That's what people has to see from me, that's what people has to understand from me. That even with my anxiety of talking and explaining and stuff, I'm still making the effort, and people hopefully will see that effort.
There is the time where I struggle talking, even more now, I don't know why, it just happens, they seem not to understand or put it clear. But when they see, some people would like to point it out, and those are the people I want to rely on, to help me be better person.
Those people who wants me to be that and the people who I can rely on to learn more stuff are the people I really want to hang out with. People that can unleash my full potential and people that put me challenges that I can face to really see what life is about.
I'm struggling at the place I am right now, but I'm putting my effort to search for something better. And when I settle up my search a little, I can go for something more. I hope everyone can follow me and keep it up on this adventure, A Nerd's Adventure to beating my social anxiety, what people can't see.

The Standing Position and Backtrack for username StndNerdBoy11

Hello so, let's see if I can do this right. I've made a list of several topics that I can talk about, and put a randomiser over them. So the first thing that it appears it will be the topic I will be talking about, it might be the same or similar things but the thing is when I see the topic I won't look at something else and focus on write for that topic. Curious enough the one I was thinking the most today appeared first to be the topic of today.

So yeah let's start.

    There has been several posts that I stated that my position for my username was so important I would do anything to keep it up for it. And up to this moment I still keep it with myself, it's not that I haven't changed my mind or anything, because some of the parts composing my username (StndNerdBoy11) has some meaning for me that it makes me think that I was actually that kind of person, maybe with the objective to improve myself but with the feeling of keep being who I am.

     Now there is this idea of renovation of username, maybe as part of my broken evolution which people would think it's like Pokemon, let grow up some experience and pum!, in an instant they will evolve. When I realize my evolution will be taking a long time, I just simply let things happen. I don't want to rush evolution itself until I'm ready to face the consequences of the changing things I'm gonna do after that. 

     One of the main reasons I haven't done that is because I would change lots of stuff in the username, like user pages for example deviantArt and twitter, but looking it well and in the type of user I am I could actually change those usernames to the new ones. E-mail wouldn't matter much as I could create another one and send data to other forms, what I could not changye is the use of my username by other people, mostly comments and mentions. Though I don't have much of them it wouldn't be hard to make that change if I wanted too. Other medium I can't replicate easily would count too.

     Another good reasons to not change my username is because of attachment to the stance. It's been a long time since this username is with me, and adding up to that the generalization of the username that came with it. Even if I can send those same principles to the new username, I would corrupt and distress the form of this username that was with me a long time. It has been like a form of recognition and a traveled path along those years, so if something goes wrong I might lose track of historical position on the internet. Like having to remind that time where I wrote this first post, when shyness was still around myself. 

     But the thing is having this username might not be useful in the end, if I want to progress more in my life. I have been looking for new ideas for usernames, some that fit my personality and give uniqueness to my own position. StndNerdBoy11 goes for Standard Nerd Boy, a type of nerd that goes for good measure as in motion life but clumsy on other situations. I got a pesterchum (Homestuck handle), which is clumsyCalculator, kinda long too. I could search for names that can be pronounced short and easy to memorize or remember, as long as it's not taken by other one and can be used on most web apps and services.

     The question is, why a new username? Well I know people that has two usernames, one for its position of person/user, another for its position of entity, creation or form of expression without any emotional thought.

Maybe this time for the time being it can happen this way: establish a form of new worlds and hobbies that make the action shine that a username can come from it, one in form of username another in form of entity.

So I'll keep searching but I'll have the motivation and conviction up to the end of the year, I'll get a new username :3

My post while traffic is on the way

I need  to save this before doing something else, hehe. And hello I'm trying to see if we can do at least one post a day. It might be kinda difficult but I'm trying to get the idea of going with the flow of the thought, and keep on going with the writing,Saving each time to not lose progress hehe.

As I can see, there are lots of stuff going on that needs to be maintained, and need the right schedule to do each of them. Not going for everything but a little bit of, so it can be of best use possible. That's one of the main goals to set on.

So let's see how creativity goes as we still go on  :3

Counting Days

So I've been looking on how many days there are left on this 2017 year. I count 82 whole days. Last time I really saw it it was 112 days, or 16 weeks. I set a lock on those weeks to see how much I can do on those days without getting tired about it.

I've been looking and giving the famous 80/20 seems to be the most effective way to handle all situations. So basically, by each hour, I'll cover 80 percent of the time working and 20 percent giving a rest. That means that I can rest about 12 minutes by hour.

So, if I made good calculations, we should be having at least 2 hours of rest by 10 hours of established work. It might me more or less the amount of time, or even approaching to 100 percent, but at least we need to score at least 80 to keep ongoing. 

As for now, I'm finding an answer to what role I'm  involving into all what I am doing, because people might be unconsciously confusing other people into thinking what to do what not, and what things are needed to do to proceed into application. That's one of the things I need to get rid off.

But in order to get rid off those implications of force that deviates my real objective, I really need to stand firm into decision and form a solid objective idea that forces back the ideas of others, not trying to push them away from their ideas but to place balance in between.

The form of agreement, synergy of ideas, develops a middle point where both sides can be comfortable doing, while they give up a little bit of their selfishness and form a team that can solve situations and disputes on all kinds of problems.

This means that, even if I want to do everything by myself, I need to really show doors for others so cooperation and teamwork can be done.

For those whose power might overcome the ones we have, we need to show a way we can feel comfortable doing in the time we can place a motion to comprehend its parts.

And while certain actions are needed to be solve, it's a matter of getting into data creation and some courage to make words like this one.

Another post

Because I feel like I can do things faster and I don't realize it better. :P

I know I get stuck sometimes but better to realize it now than never, I'll now what I have to do now in order to not make the same mistakes, and if I feel like I need to solve it for someone else, we'll both get into the agreement of looking the best way to keep the touch and continue life. Nothing should stop us from not stay from the things from the past, those are over there but what it matters is what we can do right know, what we can share, what we can enjoy, what we can do to be better person.

For I that I made lots of stuff to be better and I can organize myself better, because I know what I can do to do stuff the better way.

I was thinking, If I have any time to make a 10-15 min writing, I'll so do to fill post up to the most published posts on the year.

See if I can help with that, it will be fun, it will be helping me to review my writing again :3

Thinking of Making a Spanish Blog

'm A Spanish spoken native person, an such I haven't made a blog in Spanish. Main Reason? Most of the stuff written is in English, and felt my ideas would be more thought if I write it in English.

Now, why a Spanish blog? It has come to my mind, having my schedule and possibilities that I need to resolve as fast as possible, it would be more reliable to make some Spanish blog, for fast-paced posts and other media I want to share. I'll still have in mind to update this blog, even see if I can make new design, I'll see if I can get help with that if I can't do it properly, but in the mean time I'll come with a new blog name and make a new start. To reach new horizons and to keep pace to all the ideas that need to be expanded, as creativity never stops thinking, dreaming, looking into the future the best of ourselves.

Thanks to keep by to everyone, well keep you  in touch :3

A post of Normal Change

Hey there it's been a long while since I write. I have another writing  while I was away but I guess I was going the wrong direction or at least not getting any sense after months of trying to complete it.

I might take some ideas from that but I'll try to note how things are gonna be.

It's supposed that I have got any idea to what to write but after lots of years it's been amazing how I made lots of improvements to myself. Maybe the opening of some keys are gonna help me to open the main key. The one that can unlock any other key. It's impressive, that if that happens I can open many possibilities and make it real. Not all of them but some of them.

I made an improvement on having to talk to people and understand their ideas and their expectations. I might not get all of them but I can assume we can get lots of things possible. It's just a matter to believe.

Now, on to topic. It's time I get to make an evolution but I might not do drawings about it, that makes me lose time more than I should and I should take the consideration of having the time to be on what it's most important.

Programming stuff is one of them, trying to learn or at least review some of the topics on each thing has been kinda difficult, because I need to keep a pace of concentration on it every day. It's something that I should have to keep it dominated. Main things to handle are concentration, discipline, effort, and good decisions. Also main topics are socializing, handling emotions and confidence in our strength.

Adding up learning some languages and other interesting things and also, preparing for living an independent life, which it's gonna be fun because we can do more stuff :P

Trying to learn things in order to share, to explain, is also fun too. Because you can learn from the best and keep the pace on the good stuff you want to learn about. It's only a matter of determination.

What I need the most is to be more organized. I got a prove that other people are unlikely to help you if they don't feel the need to do so. Sometimes we live the challenge even if they don't say so. We have to get some cold in our position to make something special to be brought up to ourselves.

It's time to get to study and get the most out of it. We know in our stregnth and we can make things happen.

Lift Ups and Slow Downs

    It's February, and we should we getting a nice writing today (despite people telling me not to, but then it's for writing that I get the idea of Life Renovation, so, it's kinda like a process >w<)
 
    A month of lots of stuff but on this day I can spend it to see if my writing skills can make me put some more elaborate and detailed stuff about me so I can make it faster.
See, when I wanted to comment on other topics, say on dA and other pages, I was afraid, or maybe I didn't have lots of stuff to say to make it worth a comment, just even a "Oh that's a nice drawing" thing and that's it. I've always thought of my comments beforehand and I would take like, 10 min or so to make one worth it. Now I can make it in less than 1 minute the enough comment and the even worth comments like in 5 min. So that's  a progress.

    I would take my blog to write like less than an hour, lets see if I can make it in less than ten. Starting from this point:

    So I still have that anxiety of mine but I can't seem to look at it because, well I'll try to explain in my stream of ideas. I get so anxious when I get lots of data to process. I tend to have that obsession of processing  data. And I really shouldn't be doing so because I don't know, I need to relax sometimes right? x3

   I really want to give a try to game development, to improve my programming skills, I see lots of people that makes the huge effort and discipline to concentrate on do stuff until finish and get good results and feedback about what are they doing.

    Games like Touhou and Undertale, where one person is responsible for most if not all of the stuff involving a game, that's a really good motivation point to give a try and say, let's make a game for ourselves. And if I know I don't have all the resource and time to make it happen, what I can do is  still learn, ask people, get into, get stuff, learn from them.

    I don't know if I can get or even recover what I've done on my college days, but I have to try, it's still the same kinda to make something than to review something. If I ever knew how to maintain code I might get to know that it would be so important to maintain, so I haven't lost anything and so.

    Oh, an on to the main topic, I got some feedback from one of the ones who inspired me to keep it up, that I should live to society and have to do stuff that can make me go to the next level. Programming isn't the great deal if one could think. It's a very hard work to do, but it's like the first step if we want to give a shot on everything we need to get into. I don't know they say it because they don't have lots of leaders or so or if some dream idea from them, but it's good to make a follow.

    But then I have that downside where, my emotions can get over me at times, and I kinda go the flow of darkness if I would like to say like that, but I know I shouldn't be following that. It's like, people expect you to do something, though they don't need to tell you how, just expect things, you know how to solve it. But I don't know, if people can get the idea of how I feel. Well really they don't I shouldn't be generalizing that kind of useless stuff. I should keep going forward, but I have to keep my hype up, and the people who wants to follow me are the ones I'll get the stuff done.

   Because, after the lost of most of my data, thinking that I would get a inspiration from that wouldn't be helping a lot, Internet grows a lot on data, and people still have data in their hands. But trying to remind what I did kinda reminds me of the things I can't recover now, but if I didn't make importance of this stuff is maybe because it wasn't that important at the moment, maybe some is more now but, I can really make it over again if a thing is better to be done. Past stuff is past stuff, so, I'll give my time to recreate all the stuff I can show, and learn more from it.

   So, conclusion of my 10 minute writing, I have that feeling of really making stuff, just that, well, people say, not to give a thing about writing and just do it, don't make your dreams be dreams/
But then, I write it so I can settle things, so I can say, oh I'm really gonna do it x3

    I'll just keep ground, stay away from obsession, focus on what to do and which things I need to get to make stuff done, if I need to learn more stuff, if I need to be in touch with more people, who knows, maybe I can make things better this time.

Hello and let's get started again.

   I guess I'll make lots of explanations on why this blog has been stopped or not being able to continue all along. It's simple. First there is not a lot of feedback, and second I mostly talk about myself and stuff. Not a lot of people would be interested on what I say, unless some can be related to what I'm saying here.

    It's been days of lots of confusion and days where I say, why I'm doing this, but seems that's more comfortable for now to struggle all of what I'm doing so I can't get out and face bigger problems. I have bigger problems so much, I can't rely only on my own position any more. Because, let's think about it a little bit: one person, introverted and reserved in its own position, shattered by the external forces, not being able to recover from that, even if in the most of the efforts it could do it, turns out he can't revert that personal position. Feeling sad about this, all of that is thought about lots and lots of times. And by the time of consumption it may take away all what he was before....

    I've lost lots of things last year, sadly. Not being able to recover or do something about it. Also I put lots of important things aside, and people around, even if telling me to do something about it, it's still on the same position. I feel like only being just there not doing lots of stuff, and more than ever with the recent situation, I've lost most of my data available of recovery. Not that I can worry of that any more, but it's that feeling that it only remembers you the past but it can't be recovered by normal means.

    Now I'm in a position I feel scared about myself, how I can treat people with a hole on my mind and heart. Feel like if something could be mentioned and I might fall again deep into the dark. And it's hard to recover from those feelings of anxiety and despair. I know all what I have to do isn't going to be easy. I would need a force way too stronger than the force I was maintaining to keep on my own track. But somehow there is like a subtle feeling of freedom, that subtle thing you tell yourself you can now freely go around and be truly yourself, without really feeling guilty about lots of stuff going around.
Now, last year strategy of the gimmick deviation of thoughts and ideas, I know I wasn't going to maintain all that, not because I couldn't, because that was only a main part to evade all thoughts and ideas that it may affect my position. If I  felt last time that I was again evading reality an my destiny, is because I was protecting myself from being hurt, again. And really, protecting myself from data, so I can't be overwhelmed, so I can't become someone I don't want, someone that might get anger thoughts, trying to reclaim things I can't get.

    Internet has been a struggle too for Introverts who only wanted to feel secure and listened by other people too. but I can tell all what I've been through has been because of the support of lots of people who care who I am and let me be who I am too. It's a nice feeling to finally grasp this point and not trying to rely only on my own positions and my own retributions. It's not that I don't want to do it, it's just that, being in the position I am right now, I can't let my own thoughts to be wandering around me. People shouldn't let me try to handle my thoughts alone, and again, not that I can't eventually, it's just because it would be easier to cope with my situation of anxiety and all the last stuff happened.
If something good can come out of this, is that I might be finally able to construct lots of things that are more reliable now to exist, rather that all the past of what it has been. It was good at that stage, but if I can improve that, I would feel better to myself, I would live the present more.

    With that in mind, I'm aiming to achieve lots of stuff that might do a new generic data that will help me understand myself better, which helps me spend more my time to get things done, to learn, to share, to make content, to make renewed ideas from the past one, to really focus on essential things that really gives me the realization of what I'm going to do, at least for this year.

    So yeah, anyone who wants to keep up with my adventures you are welcome to follow this blog and keep up what I do, it could be drawings, it could be writing stuff, it could be anything. It's my space I'm sharing for all of you who visit here, but I'm open to suggestions and anything I can give a good answer, so thanks for all your support :B