Social anxiety - what people can't see

Hello, this is me again. Trying to put more posts while this years end. I'll keep more effort on it.

So, social anxiety, after all these years, do I still have it...? I can say it has been a long battle, for me, because of the ambiance I'm living and the lack of resources that I'm increasingly getting along all that time. Sometimes I search for people to get inspiration from, but somehow I got stuck looking for local people, ant at my own ambiance where activities happen, they seem not to care a lot about it. While people are happily doing what the usually do, I have that sensation of  me going for something more. I don't know if that's what they felt like doing because there was nothing more to do, or maybe because they weren't feeling like prepared to go for it.
I know it's hard that I keep things up for myself, but when I know there are things I can achieve and when I know I can go for more, what I need is to really go for a great search adventure in which, I can really talk to all of the people I know. And in order to do that, I need to really overcome my anxiety, and start talking.
Before all of this blogging and drawing, putting comments on other people was difficult to me. I don't know really what I was really afraid of, I was thinking that I couldn't handle the position of maintaining the comment on the other person as my own. I was feeling insecure about it. Now I felt like not caring much about it, more on that I feel confident my words are for my own and I can keep a handle of what I'm saying, despite what other people would say.
Maybe the base of what I do is supportive friends online on which I talked to, that maybe that support made me feel more like myself. But there is another thing I felt that was helpful: I was more confident at myself that, even if I feel can't have any friend to rely on, I realize that showing that confidence I can put a form of security that, I can be friends with other people. It's just a matter now, of searching a little bit more, and put trust to the people I see it's good to put on.
I know people would give their time to build new things, or at least to form a new strategy that can really last, lets hope that happens.
But also, I want to revitalize those old friendships that were left behind, to really make sure I'm still here and that I'm making my effort to get out of my mind and talk to them. That's what people has to see from me, that's what people has to understand from me. That even with my anxiety of talking and explaining and stuff, I'm still making the effort, and people hopefully will see that effort.
There is the time where I struggle talking, even more now, I don't know why, it just happens, they seem not to understand or put it clear. But when they see, some people would like to point it out, and those are the people I want to rely on, to help me be better person.
Those people who wants me to be that and the people who I can rely on to learn more stuff are the people I really want to hang out with. People that can unleash my full potential and people that put me challenges that I can face to really see what life is about.
I'm struggling at the place I am right now, but I'm putting my effort to search for something better. And when I settle up my search a little, I can go for something more. I hope everyone can follow me and keep it up on this adventure, A Nerd's Adventure to beating my social anxiety, what people can't see.

The Standing Position and Backtrack for username StndNerdBoy11

Hello so, let's see if I can do this right. I've made a list of several topics that I can talk about, and put a randomiser over them. So the first thing that it appears it will be the topic I will be talking about, it might be the same or similar things but the thing is when I see the topic I won't look at something else and focus on write for that topic. Curious enough the one I was thinking the most today appeared first to be the topic of today.

So yeah let's start.

    There has been several posts that I stated that my position for my username was so important I would do anything to keep it up for it. And up to this moment I still keep it with myself, it's not that I haven't changed my mind or anything, because some of the parts composing my username (StndNerdBoy11) has some meaning for me that it makes me think that I was actually that kind of person, maybe with the objective to improve myself but with the feeling of keep being who I am.

     Now there is this idea of renovation of username, maybe as part of my broken evolution which people would think it's like Pokemon, let grow up some experience and pum!, in an instant they will evolve. When I realize my evolution will be taking a long time, I just simply let things happen. I don't want to rush evolution itself until I'm ready to face the consequences of the changing things I'm gonna do after that. 

     One of the main reasons I haven't done that is because I would change lots of stuff in the username, like user pages for example deviantArt and twitter, but looking it well and in the type of user I am I could actually change those usernames to the new ones. E-mail wouldn't matter much as I could create another one and send data to other forms, what I could not changye is the use of my username by other people, mostly comments and mentions. Though I don't have much of them it wouldn't be hard to make that change if I wanted too. Other medium I can't replicate easily would count too.

     Another good reasons to not change my username is because of attachment to the stance. It's been a long time since this username is with me, and adding up to that the generalization of the username that came with it. Even if I can send those same principles to the new username, I would corrupt and distress the form of this username that was with me a long time. It has been like a form of recognition and a traveled path along those years, so if something goes wrong I might lose track of historical position on the internet. Like having to remind that time where I wrote this first post, when shyness was still around myself. 

     But the thing is having this username might not be useful in the end, if I want to progress more in my life. I have been looking for new ideas for usernames, some that fit my personality and give uniqueness to my own position. StndNerdBoy11 goes for Standard Nerd Boy, a type of nerd that goes for good measure as in motion life but clumsy on other situations. I got a pesterchum (Homestuck handle), which is clumsyCalculator, kinda long too. I could search for names that can be pronounced short and easy to memorize or remember, as long as it's not taken by other one and can be used on most web apps and services.

     The question is, why a new username? Well I know people that has two usernames, one for its position of person/user, another for its position of entity, creation or form of expression without any emotional thought.

Maybe this time for the time being it can happen this way: establish a form of new worlds and hobbies that make the action shine that a username can come from it, one in form of username another in form of entity.

So I'll keep searching but I'll have the motivation and conviction up to the end of the year, I'll get a new username :3