...I feel as if I didn't achieve anything....
Or that’s what I’m feeling right now. Excuse me if I ever try to understand my writing inside my feelings of confusion. I can’t say depression, or frustration, or happiness, not even the neutral one. It’s only confusion and misunderstanding of myself.
It’s only that, I don’t know, why do I have to explain anything that happens to me!? Or why people can achieve a level of attention higher than mine? My state of feelings right now is misleading me into being uncategorized among all categories of social life. Feeling like I don’t belong, or feeling like I might belong to something but it’s only half, or I only express half or they can only accept me half.
If I ever try to comprehend myself, I only think lots of things to cover the reality of myself, and the worst thing is that my ambiance and what people expects of me makes the situation worse than it is. People seem to expect less than I can really do, only because I don’t talk a lot. My feelings right now can express the loathing of my shyness and my lack of skills, and all the time lost in space. I was lost in space and nobody cared about it, I was alone with the stars, and people only wished upon our trajectories.
Music is some limit I’m making so that this post can’t say worst things, I won’t say it but my feelings of the deep may spell it out of it, they won’t reach here, I have based motions, I have to be strong.
It’s only because of YOU that I’m doing all of this, it seems that shyness is so common, it’s not rare, but maybe because it’s not as much talked as other uncommon things....
Writing is flushing easily my ideas and it makes me think slowly, if I speed up my thoughts I would reach more deep and negative feelings, and I only make things worse. Only my friends from inside my mind have the ability to stop me....
Even if I said everything, nothing would change, that’s what my feelings are expressing, but even in my own deviation of center of emotion, I can make a static synchronized function in which it can call an instance of my objective motion, and it would respond, that everything and nothing, direct connotations, are only restricted towards a specific set of information. It could be everything I said about myself, or about my problems (which it’s a lie), or about my effort in life. And nothing can be: nothing of my proposals of life about my fight against shyness, against being left behind in conversation, about not understanding social status of parties and other related(which nevertheless I can “extreme dislike” it...). I only wanted to play video games and I wonder how people COULDN'T understand it. Yeah, yeah my “not rather casual” clothing and my physical appearance weren't enough to convince them. That’s a lie too, this time from them.
My social feelings can speed up if I can reach certain people’s scores about certain game, in which he may not reach it again, because it may not do it again... The classmate who can do it was beside me, near the list of students, it was awesome how it types, and it was a mechanical type machine.
My feelings are still there, but fortunately I’m producing something, I’m glad this is happening. I didn't even go to bed to think about it meaninglessly and ending up in crying. But only want to see my happy face so I will be delightful to show them my happy face, because they want it.
If they only want to see my happy face, I don’t know then what I WANT! I feel, my feelings tell me, that I don’t need anything special, but then social status and my objective instance tells me that you can buy something to make it something nice, something for yourself it would be nice. I don’t understand my ambiance and they expect to act if I were level 343 if I only am of level 145 or so.
Overwriting some paragraphs, I can only say that I was pushed away and people still get in the way, they always win. When can I win a game? When can I be good at something good? My feelings are asking that? Even so, my objective recalls today when I was praised when something good happened after making good code. I feel like eating, I feel like going to sleep, but I see you want me to show something, or I only want you to put attention, to be insistent on me, to really care about me. I don’t know if THAT’S a lot to ask.
Why I’m making this? Because I want to use my time on making something different than being on my bed, that’s all, maybe I can practice Japanese, maybe I can chat with new people, maybe I can say who I am, maybe I can continue listen to music. Maybe I might insist on getting your attention again.
When I was at school as a child, I was that way. Desiring attention at all costs, when I got was rejection and suffering, crying on recess only because I wasn't included in some team. Adults took my desire and place it in a box, dug a hole and hid them there. They say that it was prohibited that amount of desire, of friendship, of social intrusion, on other things. I was always afraid getting a report on recess only because of silly little things that could lower my scoring, and afraid to use those silly words that they used on later grades. People didn't know, and people don’t know up to this day. They say, oh that boy who has higher grades, that is smart and can do lots of things, hope he can get me a job later on.... Expectations, expectations everywhere.
If I were to choose, I just couldn't do so. Because of my sudden desire of expose that box they hid from me and say all what I didn't like of all of the people they have meet me. They just can’t think about their own faults, so I just have to make them know.
Some people desire I should be stopping this now, because I just over passed my word limit. I won’t. You who desired that didn't stop when you were talking about the fantasies of a cold country that only think in lifting cups and marvelous buildings.
Some people desire I just stay home, because I can play with the family. I can’t. My extended family is just far away and it has been YEARS since I can’t visit and met a single one of them. I don’t know who they are, what do they do, or if I can find someone who can share the same interests and having some activities. You who desired that were thinking about your old days when you can do all of that and know that you have other things you can’t just take apart of what you want, not even because of the time spent....
Some people desire I just go and make friends, because that’s what people do when they change friends, but I can’t simply do that because of my one-chance only of meeting someone without screw the things up. It was difficult meeting you. And doing it again 100 times more is a struggle for me. You who desired that weren't feeling doing that, because he has lots of resources of making the things easier, and if he couldn't, he could search help easily.
Some people desire I just be myself, that I can do great things that I can make whatever possible thing I want. It’s wonderful to be myself, but I got restricted. You who desired that didn't felt the need of changing their life, making a space for someone more, some people have defined variables, and the ones who can change more, even defying the defined can be maintained. And I just can’t stand hearing something that I can make a comment about it.
Some people desire that I just get up and start making something, or stop making something. I won’t. You who desired that don’t know, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW, that I’m different from you! Even if I can be inside the Near position, even if I get physical Energy, even with your support, even with your remainders, even with your unnoticed problems, even with your counseling, I’m still being different. If you didn't know that I got restricted from expression, that on the moment my expressions should be very varied and violent, I just could express half of it, and the other half have just increased at some percentage, so I’m over living things. Even if you think that I should be like others, our restricted social life make me more limited on talking to people. What is the meaning of getting good things if I would suffer from thinking wrong things about social life, the key they use to get things better?
I know that I’m making progress, but they got it faster, that’s some difference. And you still want something from me. I’m just tired of seeing the same and my feelings right now just desire to change everything, but my objective says I just have to think about that big change. When I think about it, I just get myself into surrender.
Japanese people and its obedience, but they have fun. When will I ever get the support needed from my ideas? I just want you to show it but you don’t appear. I want you to show you. Maybe I’m not too good telling that to you, but I just want your support because that’s what people on social networking do isn't it? Or all of that support is just a single occasional click of people who likes to click?
My feelings right now don’t know what they want, what to buy or what to see. I don’t know if I have to spend this time explaining all of this, if that’s worth it enough, if I have to change strategy, if do I really want to tell to someone specialized about this. It could have been easier, right? I only want to go, not because of explaining everything or to solve everything, because I want to get my thoughts clearer than if I go to a friend that has enough strength to support me and be with me most of the time. I know lot of things, only that it’s difficult to apply it. My feelings tells me that I may not stand along if I can’t solve this..., and people only care about economic issues, and care issues, and normal things, not feelings, because their emotions are not mine, and they don’t understand it.
I remind the time I was afraid of posting anything. I remind the time I was afraid to talk with someone, I remind the time I didn't know that awesome people that are not from my place exists and I could have reached them If I wasn't too shy at that time.
I just want to say thank you for listen it, and if you don’t care about all I said, I won’t mind. I you do, I appreciate it. If you can’t do anything about it, I understand it. If you know what can I do, you can tell me, I’ll be glad to hear it. If you know what can I improve before I make the evolution of this blog and other sites upon the name of stndnerboy11, I’ll be glad to hear it. It will be highly appreciated your contribution to this.
I may not be as interesting as they think, but I’m still a person. A person that has a sensible heart.
