Friendship, I don't know exactly why I still gather information about it. It seems that I'm so obsessed about having friends who share their thoughts to me and be with me all the time, someone who has the same activities like me and being along to all places I go. My vision of friendship was in a certain way wrong, confusing, not understandable, weird…. I considered that being with a friend will get me more into knowing more about friendship: sharing things and ideas, experiences and activities of life.The problem was, they don't seem to share most of it with me. I could see it, those who I consider as friends, sharing more things to the other people, getting into the detail more, giving the time with them, and other similar things. Maybe they share the most important points; maybe they believe I won't give a good response of its awesome activities; maybe I’m not his best friend, only a friend of the moment, or maybe I don’t have something good to share or an interesting thing to comment.
“They are always the same. They have the same behavior: being silent with me, not saying something when we gather in a place, talking things I guess they don’t know what to say, because maybe that’s not the thing they want to talk or maybe their normal activities are not for my ears to listen….” Those were the words I conclude of all the gatherings I had with my friends. And I was trying to say something at that moment, something appropriate, similar to the conversation we were having now, to get the attention of my friend, to let him know my friendship is good and innocent. Nothing came to my mind, and they would say I was a timid boy, a boring person, someone whose life would not get the attention of anybody…, I don’t know if my life would be interesting, or worth of tell.
But, the thing is, they’re right. My life has little interesting things to share; I was poor of experiencing activities of life; my experiences of life were inferior to those of great notoriety. It’s confusing, because I don’t get quickly what things they like, and if I share those things they like, or something similar, would they get the idea of my sharing? So time got on me, but at that time I could finally know what things I could share, and get the confidence of sharing with my friend what I really like. But when thing happens happily, they would expand their horizon to the world and sees something better….
“They are always the same. They have the same behavior: finding other person, being in the group or in the same moment. That person joins in, and we have a fresh start, but the circumstances of life make a radical change, and the friend’s position get the attention more on the new person he has joined in. Maybe he knows that person in some place I didn't know, but new events would end in an awful moment….” Those are the words I got when I know I have lost a friend. And I defended my position of getting the idea of being friends, overcome the situation we were facing and getting again the attention of my friend, to let him know my friendship was still worth it, and I would never leave that. My defenses were broken, and I got hurt, because of that silly situation that wasn't so important; exaggerated the situation and blame the damage to them. And they could think I’m a perfectionist for a friendship….
Unfortunately, they’re right again. Those little things they did to me and didn't know they would hurt me would broke my emotional control and end a good friendship, because they acted like children and made a bad joke on me, didn't say sorry of that and ignored the situation… or because they didn't consider that friendship as such, or because they were wandering in their own minds, blocking a friendship they didn't want, or because they leave the state of moment of life unexpectedly, or because they didn't know that friendship was so important to me. That, because I only wanted to be with somebody at recess….
But all those conclusions made me think friendship it’s not about being perfect in finding something they would not hurt you once and being mad at him. It only occurred once, and others were because of misplacement of moment, or an end of a stage. But other than that, those were the friends I had at that time. Other people didn't become friends of mine, so the maintenance of friendship wasn't practiced a lot. Only if they had taught me or tell me what would be having a best friend beside you at that time.
Also, those made me think I could give a second chance on anybody I knew in past times, if they wanted to at least talk with me, or give me a message or other things if they have at least five minutes of their time. Give a second chance of those who had leaved the space of moment, and get there. Because, when I lose contact with a friend, I find difficult to talk with him again, even I want it so, I could get afraid of see what is going to happen. So a second chance is also a new opportunity to me to get in contact to people I know and I want to talk to him, so they can see that in the time I was so shy to talk to that person, I have a strong interest of knowing him more.
“- A second change means telling the people I’m not as shy as I used to be.”
“-And also to see you’re not the Mr. Perfect guy who didn't want to cry because of those shocking events….”
“-I was afraid at that time, but I didn't want them to be concerned on me….”
“-But now everything has changed, you have overgrown in time those moments…”
“-And what if I make somebody happy?”
“-I don’t think they would get the attention that way….”
“-Mmmm, but why I can’t select my own friends? I think they could be awesome if they were friends….”
“-Maybe they don’t consider that the same. Also the circumstances would not be appropriate….”
“- They only don’t have time for me. It’s not fair…”
I know I could be friends of anybody of the same sharing of ideas and also I could give the time on them if they consider the position I offer, only they need to understand I’m shy, so if you can get into my shyness, you will obtain my real personality. Also it would be fine not having any friend, because I spend emotional energy to maintain that friendship, if I don't get the retribution, my energy gets low, so a not refundable friendship is exhausting to me. But friendship is needed, because of the energy flow. Having not friends is fine, but the energy flow will not happen properly. Having friends will get fresh and positive energy, spendable to enjoy the best moments of life.
